Apocalyptica @ Deichbrand Festival (23.07.2017)

I think I´ve never been that calm after having seen a show of Apocalyptica – it´s like the storm in my head has calmed down. That storm that started at With Full Force Festival, with all the shit that happened there thanks to the weather and the cancelled Apocalypica show that I needed so badly back then. Ever since I couldn´t get my mind to rest and to take the conclusion as introduction: my mind and heart are calm, and I feel relieved. The curse of the festival weather was broken 😉

It all started with a last minute idea to attend the festival – it came the day before when going home from my boyfriend´s place. And then it all started, to try and get things sorted out somehow – I got things sorted with some help, yet there was that 5% chance that things might not work out as planned. 95% safe, 5% risk. 5. Percent. Risk. Flashback to With Full Force Festival, and I saw everything again, and felt like it was too high of a risk. I was insecure, my brain was shouting “no no no no do not book a car and go”. Once again I ignored my mind and booked the car, telling myself it would be just justice that everything will be working out.

You have no idea how terribly bad I slept during the night, once I had fallen asleep I had fun with odd and creepy nightmares, that made me wonder if it was a good idea to actually plan on going. And my doubts grew when I woke up – to rain hitting heavily on my windows, when I heard the growling of the thunder. It was 7am, and I felt the panic in me growing again. I quickly packed my last things together and without having had a breakfast I went to pick up the car – got a nicely sized one again, fought with my GPS and then got going.

The car ride was bloody hell – from blue sky and no clouds to dak dark and heaviest rain ever within minutes – and that rain started within seconds, you literally drove your 150kmh and booom, wall of rain, you didn´t even see anymore where the car ahead was – if there even was one? Scary as hell, luckily not the first time I experienced something like this. But man I was so happy when I was finally at the place where I had to pick up my wristlet…adn then boom, they couldn´t find my name. My heart skipped several beats. In the end they still found me, but you can not even come close to imaging how I felt and how the other people, who did not have that problem, looked at me. As if I was trying to whore myself into the festival -.-´ I was so relieved when I had this wristband around my hand, it was just unbelievable…

Then drove to find a parking lot – didn´t end up in quite a parking lot, but alongside a street – as long as the car survived, it´s all good. Just the walk to the festival area was a bit annoying but still less long than expected. It was just…muddy. And it didn´t get any better on the infield, but I couldn´t bother as the day started with the band “Russkaja” – always an entertaining way to start into a festival day- fun music, a lot of chance to move…fun time 😀

There I noticed that half a protein bar was not enough food so afterwards I went some food hunting and ended up with a tarte flambee…sooog ood, together with some sugary Coca Cola and I was ready for what was still to come.

Some Australian band was then playing before Apocalyptica´s slot on that stage and well – if you take unmotivated people, dressed as if they had just fallen out of bed and were there just for the beer, you could imagine those dudes and how they looked and acted on stage.

The singer could´ve been having a nice voice and stuff, he was just adding a little effort at least. But nope. Spent the time to go to the loo and then rush back to secure a frontrow spot for Apocalyptica – I surely ain´t gonna stand anywhere

but frontrow hahahaha It was fun to see the guys and everything being set up, the guys checking the stage and the crowd…and seeing them was like coming home.

And it was even more like that once the show started, even though being surrounded by fans of this shitty rapper called Cro was, excuse my wording, probably the most awful thing ever for me.

No surprise that I then ended up being filmed for the livestream whilst headbanging, as at the beginning the crowd was really not up for it – it improved over time, but still it was rather

disappointing I think.What kinda made me realize how amazing Apocalypticaonly shows are – of course they played “Nothing else matters” again and no matter how hard I try or what I do, I have the images of my cousin´s funeral in front of my inner eyes.

And I cry, of course. Whilst during Apo shows peopleat least ask if I am okay, or randomly and strangers hug me, noone gave a fuck this time. I have never felt so alone in between so many people.

But overall…and even though I had hoped to hear “Welcome Home Sanitarium” and  was disappointed to not have heard it, I loved every damned second of this show. Peace of mind, forgetting everything around me, forgetting my usualy daily life, all worries, all fears, all problems…it means feeling free to me. And it once again showed me how much healing music can do.


…that does not apply to music that you dislike, though. And because two rappers followed on Apocalyptica running order wise and only really late in the evening there´d be acts that would be a “nice to have”, I decided after a little drink (non-alcoholic) and rest to get going and drive home. And that was a good decision, as a part of the road was blocked off and I had to drive through zillions of little towns before being able to go onto the highway again…annoying and really tising, also due to the always changing weather conditions.

Back in Hamburg I decided to immediately return the car to be able to sleep in the day after – and it all went quick and smooth, caught the bus right after going to the stop and after a hot bath and a tasty ordered pizza, I dropped into bed. Happy. Calm. Relieved.

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Day X+321-325 – How to be a tough mudder?

12.07.2017 – Day X+321
Crappy weather, no motivation, but having Tough Mudder coming up, I forced myself into gym and really powered through it in the end – I was pretty much dead afterwards, but felt so much better than before!

13.07.2017 – Day X+322
There are days where things just don´t work. I woke up feeling stomach sick and with stomach crampy, so I spent the day with my hot water bottle – with editing photos, buying soccer tickets and…that´s been it pretty much.

14.07.2017 – Day X+323
I picked up the car that I needed to go to Tough Mudder, and then did drink shopping and bought everything that is heavy so I could load it into the trunk of the car and only had to carry it up to the apartment…that was a good load of work, and then immediately after I decided to go to IKEA and get myself some things that I really needed – and that was nicely quick compared to using public transport…

15.07.2017 – Day X+324
Well, you know how my Tough Mudder Half day went and what I experienced – the day ended with me waiting for nearly 1,5 hours for my Asian takeaway – I was so damned angry, literally hangry. You have no idea how all of a sudden I was craving food after hardly any hunger feeling for the whole day…

16.07.2017 – Day X+325
Main challenge of the day? Getting out of bed. Making it to the fridge and to the couch. And man, I was done, all of my muscles in my body were stiff…the most terrible one was actually on my abs on height of my ribs…every move hurt, everything. And the night had been terrible, too – because I didn´t know how to sleep thanks to sunburn and bruises…totally dead.

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Tough Mudder Half – Northern Germany (15.07.2017)

To be honest, I didn´t exactly have the best of nights leading into the day – I was simply too nervous to fall asleep properly and it took me ages until I finally slept. And then I had been dreaming loads of bullshit, which I cannot recall in detail anymore, and I think it´s better this way.

And then the time from getting up to the planned driving-start passed by so fast that you could really say it was flying by…I don´t now where it went. Quickly hopped into the car and withdrew some cash in case I needed some and then was on my way to Hof Severloh in Hermannsburg (aka in the middle of nowhere). The drive there was…interesting – the inbuilt GPS from the car was somehow useless as I couldn´t enter the place and needed to switch to my phone, where I luckily had saved the address as well – I am prepared as fuck, you know.

And through many little towns, and many little streets (and beautiful nature and places where I´d somehow love to live) I made my way to the parking lot – of course not in the time that google had estmated but who on earth believes in these times anyways?! If I

would have not been so nervous I would have stopped so many times to take photos…but well, all I knew was I wanted to arrive because being right on the spot usually makes me more relaxed. But it didn´t. I got even more nervous xD

I checked in and at first got a wrong starting number and ended up with a number for the full round and not just for the half version

that i wanted to run and had to change it again…was somehow annoying and stressed me a lot in this moment but well…I was there early, and decided for myself that I was gonna start earlier than the suggested starting time because the waiting would have killed me.

But then things went differently – I met two girl in the changing area and figured out that they were also supposed to be starting at 1pm like me – also doing their first tough mudder half. So We joined together and I met also

the rest of their group that ran the full course. It was a great feeling to not be alone anymore, and our little team felt good and proved good, as well!

The run itself…let´ go through it step by step – you will find an example video in brackets after every obstacle name:

The running itself – no problem at all, and I was really surprised that my left leg that had been bitching for ages before, really made no problems at all and it didn´t really feel like 11km at all. Maybe due to the obstacles in between, but it could also be just that the ground was so soft that it was nicer for the joints to be running there.

Kiss of mud 2.0 (video) – To be honest, it looked scarier before than it actually was, I didn´t even get close to the wires with my butt, I only ripped off my starting number half-way because I didn´t lift up my belly enough hahaha xD

Brett vorm Kopf (video) – A rather easy start into the “let´s climb walls”, even though I didn´t get ove rthere alone either…I tried but somehow my brain said “you will not make it” and then I couldn´t make it, of course…that one really has been a brain issue more than a strength issue…

Mud Mile 2.0 (video) – Easy peasy, nice and muddy, a bit slippery but not really tough and a good thing to do to not put so much weight onto the muscles for once 😉

Creek Crusade(s) – Water, cold water. About 4°C cold water, height varying. Sometimes it was an easy walk through, sometimes it was that you actually had to swim through a little lake. Less terribly than it sounds like, it nicely cooled the bruises but also cooled out the muscles in the legs especially which was a bit problematic for me…

Birth Canal (video) – I´ve never been thinking or considering that I could be claustrophobic, but hello, here we go. Having these masse sof water pushing me on the ground made me nearly freak out and bring me close to tears, especially the later metre was pure hell – and that even though it was open to one side…jeeeeez, terrible.

Berlin Walls (video) – yet anotehr obstacle where I really felt like being small is at times really shitty…my arms felt too short, but I had some nice British/Irish (?) lads to push me up. And that´s what makes it amazing, you just help where you can, no matter what!

Drecksloch 2 – Hm, to be honest – I really cannot remember it anymore, seriously. I cannot recall it, but then it cannot be too spectacular at all or have been difficult xD

Holz vor der Hütte (video) – actually I had been looking forward to carrying a junk of wood but a dude thought I needed something small, so I carried a hilariously small piece of mood…nope, I was not satisfied. But at least it was an easy obstacle xD

Huckepack – Carrying one of the girls from my team on the back wasn´t really tough, I

found it worse when I had to be carried. I really dislike that feeling, it´s a classical trust issue xD

The Hangover (video) – I really wish I was having enough bounciness in my body to jump high enough and then push myself up to get over it without any help..I felt so clumsy, and it made me so upset…it´s not even damned high it just sucks…I mean with help it went quick but I really wished that I could´ve done that on my own…

Pyramid Scheme (video) – the most painful obstacle for me. It´s a pyramid looking like obstacle where you need to get to the top, and that you can only manage with help of fellow people…and I was nearly up there twice and fell hard, both

times onto my left ellbow, once i ripped down even some guy that I tried to grab to stop me from falling, and…I was really scared as fuck and didn´t want to do any obstacle anymore after this…but I kept going…

Blockness Monster (video) – the first thing coming to my mind as a memory is the sign saying “1.50m water depth” – the fact it was at least 1,70m is another story, and that got me panicked first when I jumped in, expecting to have ground under my feet. Besides this, nothing too difficult, even though changing position when on top didn´t quite work for me, so I was diving into the water, wuhuuu!

Everest 2.0 (video) – probably the toughest and most difficult obstacle for me, also because my mind just was full of blockades and the fear of falling onto my left ellbow again. But after 4 tries I made it up, trying to get the last bits of power in legs and arms and grabbing a hand reaching out for me, getting a leg up to be grabbe and then just hold on and try to make it as easy for everyone as possible to get me up there the last meter…I was really over my limits, and just so relieved I made it.

Afterwards I waited with the girls for the rest of the team, had some chats, took some photos and then wanted to go and take a shower. Well, shower.

The icy cold water was nothing like a shower, you really had an additional obstacle there. Terrible, and you couldn´t get the dirt off anyways – so next time either something has to be changed or I will not even bother to shower.

The drive home was all good, still high on adrenaline I didn´t really feel all the pain that then came afterwards…

Conclusion? Fuck yes, first and clearly not the last time. Already signed up for the full version of the run for next year!

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Photos: The New Black (2016) / Monolyth (2016) / Mors Principum Est (2016)








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Day X+317-320 – Work. Out.

08.07.2017 – Day X+317
After two days of workout, it´s been a day to rest and I made the mistake to fully inform myself about all the madness that´s going on in Hamburg and that all day long… in the end I needed videos of puppies and kittens because it dragged down so much…

09.07.2017 – Day X+318
Gym time again – I mean, I cannot do anything else anyways as the chaos in Hamburg just slowly fades out, and somehow…I have to get back on track with my running, and this damned interval training is annoying the hell out of me – but it has to be done as I need to be able to run without pain during the Tough Mudder Half next week…but it´s gonna work, somehow. I m working on it and on my general fitness, and it is frustrating to see how bad my general fitness has become even though I was doing hoop all the time…

10.07.2017 – Day X+319
Muscles aching from hell, but that´s not keeping me from anything. First my physiotherapist tortured me, and then I tortured myself at gym again because it was either today or tomorrow, and I thought to go for it now that I have at least some willpower left…so it was workout again, but this time more or less only cardio training because my legs hurt from the strength training on Sunday…

11.07.2017 – Day X+320
Restday for my body when it comes to sports, and it´s been a good decision because my leg is still not fully back even though I give my best with the interval training…but listening to the body is essential, and that´s what I did. And instead had a nice relaxed evening with my boyfriend…after the meeting-free weekend thanks to G20, it was about time…

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Cooking: Pasta with zucchini and trout

Cooking book: Best of Erfolgsrezepte
Publisher: Weight Watchers

Estimated time: n/a
Actual time: 15min

Difficulty: 1/10
Amount: 1 person
Price per person: ~3€

It´s one of those tasty but extremly easy and quick meals, that even fit into my weight watchers budget (if you plan ahead at least). The strout I had bout was, nevertheless, not the perfect pick I made, next time I will buy a different kind of it in a different store, as I had so much fun to get rid off all those massive fishbones even before assembling the meal. Generally, I changed the recipe a bit, as I dislike cucumber and therefore used zucchini – at least the look is the same, but taskes far better this way I think.

So yeah I would say it´s a nice meal for after gym during summer when you really don´t want something heavy to drag you all down.

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Day X+313-316 – A wild mix of things

04.07.2017 – Day X+313
To be honest – I cannot remember much about this day anymore, it feels already so far away, even though it´s not even a week. All I remember is that I had a nice and funny evening with my boyfriend again – pizza, laughing, computer games…good times!

05.07.2017 – Day X+314
Waking up next to someone you love…oh so precious! But then had to get my stuff together and go home, shower and get prepared for another job interview in the evening. To be honest, it was hard to motivate myself – not because I don´t want a new job, but rather because it didn´t work out for so many many countless damned times. And it feels like running through a dark tunnel and there is no end to be seen.

06.07.2017 – Day X+315
After my skype job interview today I made my way to buy some last things for my Tough Mudder Half and then went to gym and signed up – first hour of workout is done, and it really felt good…though I have a long path to walk until I am where I once was fitness wise. But whatever – at leats the gym is close by and I didn´t need to cross all this G20 madness seemingly going on everywhere else in the city…useless bullshit get-together…

07.07.2017 – Day X+316
Thank god I live quite a bit outside of the centre and my hoop lessons also take place a bit off – otherwise, I would have not risked to get my ass up and attend. The things that were going on thanks to all those aggressive bastards that claim to be G20 protestors (let´s face it – the only cause they go onto the street for is destruction, and nothing else ). Anyways, the hoop/hammock lesson was good, even though the fact that you were permanently hearing sirens from police cars kinda annoyed me. Especially since I had quite some helicopters flying over my house literally all day long. And reading all those live tickers and watching those streams kinda made me angry and sad at the same time, ontop of being stressed out.  Not even puppy videos did change much about that feeling before going to bed…

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Day X+309-312 – Get going

30.06.2017 – Day X+309
It´s been cooking Friday again, and the duck was not as cooperative as I had wished it was…and raw meat is something I don´t really like, especially when it is as bloody as this duck was. But the overall meal tasted really nice, and the evening was a nicely relaxing one, cuddled up on the couch and just being there, enjoying to be together…

01.07.2017 – Day X+310
I really try to be stricter with myself when it comes to eating, and I am getting where I should be – slowly, but steadily. But all those sweets that I have in my apartment is simply annoying – and just so tempting all the time. And with all the ups and downs weather wise make it tough to really get motivated to get going and moving…

02.07.2017 – Day X+311
Sometimes…I don´t know. Things can be frustrating, and yeah, I am going to the Tough Mudder Half run alone now, with noone welcoming me at the finish line, but I can understand that going there and sitting aorund for several hours alone is not exactly inviting for someone – because that would be the case if you´d join me…but well, I am used to go ahead no matter what, so this also won´t really stop me from anything.

03.07.2017 – Day X+312
Monday funday…nah joking aside, it´s been actually a good day – after physiotherapy where my physiotherapist helped me still a bit with my leg issues, I went to a trial workout at a gym. And I was really positively surprised, it felt good, the studio is nice, the trainers are nice and everything – really need to think about this going there, as the price is also okay and I coud get out of the contract every month.

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Day X+305-308 – Comes as a surprise

26.06.2017 – Day X+305
After loads of food related fails, it´s been the first day where I was more or less in budget again when it comes to my WeightWatchers budget – I really felt bad about aways more or less cheating and betraying myself at its best, but somehow it didn´t want to quite work lately…so much going round in my head and worries and thoughts…hopefully it is going to get better once I have news in regards of my studies at least.

27.06.2017 – Day X+306
My boyfriend and I went to Lüneburg for a nice little walk and a great afternoon at the therm – and that was really something what we needed, doing something together, getting out of Hamburg and turning off the mind from all the shit that is going on at times…it felt so good, really. And I was so tired afterwards – it always makes me so terribly tired, just like back in the days when I was a little kid…

28.06.2017 – Day X+307
A good day – simply because I finally got my “yes” for my master studies and that happened during  time where I expected it the least. In Finland it´s been already past 8pm, and in germany it was late as well and I was waiting for my hoop lesson to start when all of a sudden there was this e-mail. And at first I really didn´t dare to open it but I was curious enough to still check it and man, I was so bouncy and happy..

29.06.2017 – Day X+308
A day full of house scores, grocery shopping and paper work to be done and sorted for my university application as they need all reference letters in English and I noticed that I don´t have those in English yet…I hope everything will arrive at my place in time so I am not running into problems with this…and that really worries me as I am just having two weeks for the whole madness.

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Cooking: Duckbreast with dijon-mustard sauce, lemon potatoes and beans

Cooking book: Lust auf Kochen: Kreative Rezepte für jeden Tag
Publisher: Kochhaus

Estimated time: 35 min
Actual time: 65 min

Difficulty: 4/10
Amount: For 2 people
Price per person: ~7€

So yeah, instead of fresh duck breast we had frozen one that I un-froze a day before already – and yuck, bloody stuff, thank god my boyfriend took care of that whilst I suffered from cutting the onions and everything (man I cried, it was hilarious somehow). The whole cooking was somehow more stressful than it had been before, and not everything was fully my taste or worked out well.

A fail when it comes to consistancy was the sauce – it was all sticky and just no sauce at all – still tasty, no doubts, but just not how it should have been. And what what was totally not my taste was the amount of lemon – it gave the totmatoes a nice fresh taste, but eating those parts of lemon? So disgusting. Never fcking again! I just had them on the table for the photos and then, honestly, got rid off those again xD

Overall – all good, but the potatoes with the lemons remain a no-go!

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Always on Sunday (47)

To be honest, I am right at the moment pretty grumpy because of a few things but as I am late with this entry anyways, but I´ll deliver you this flashback onto the week anyways 😉 Enjoy it tonight!

// Done //
– Application writing and one job interview
– Physiotherapy as usual
– Hoop lesson
– Preparing things t send in for my final university “go”
– Lüneburg for swimming and a walk with my boyfriend together
– Still struggling a bit with the side effects of the cortison injection
– Grocery shopping
– Cooking from the Kochhaus cooking book

// Eaten //
I was pretty much back on track again in regards of WeightWatchers, and that made me pretty happy…pretty much because there´s been simply still too many sweets that I gotta be cutting down, but that´s also gonna work – as there soon are no sweets left at home hahahaha

// Bought //
Groceries, and I think that´s it mostly…so nothing extraordinary that I can actually think of – okay, the flight to Finland for my introduction day at university but that´s it…

// Listened to //
Apocalyptica, some Deep Insight and loads of radio actually when I was on my way somewhere – usually I am just not willing to decide anymore what I wanna listen to…I really hate deciding that lately, no idea why though…

// Watched //
Rarely any specifically chosen music, and if so it was Apocalyptica, as I am still not getting over my fail with the With Full Force festival to be totally honest… And their “Shadowmaker” has always been an album that gives me loads of comfort, and as my mood was swinging, that was what I needed.

// Read //
Nothing – really. I´ve been a lazy and uneducated woman this week, and I don´t mind. I really am sick and tired of reading the news as it´s all negative anyways and somehow I haven´t yet found back to reading books…hopefully that´ll be back soon, because once I start my studies I will be reading for the studies only again I fear…

// Played //
Sims 4, and Sims 4, and even more of Sims 4 and…that was pretty much it. I kinda got sucked up in it, at times I just wanted to play half an hour later and then two hours later, I checked the time and nearly fell off my chair because I again “wasted” so much time…

// Happy about //
The news on my study place and that I am accepted and even made it with 80/100 points – I should be totally happy about the whole but somehow the perfectionist woke up again and says that 80 points wouldn´t be good enough hahaha Whatever, it´s party time!

// Angry about //
Ex-emyplosers being so stubborn or unable to quickly send me their reference letters on English. So I had to spend time on translating and then being bitched at for not so amazing translations – well thanks, I am no translator yet not willing to spend any money on that…god damnit. This is really so annoying.

// Wished for //
…all the damned G20 shit being over already. The things they start already now are annoying and it´s gonna be so much fun during the coming weekend because of which I cannot see my boyfriend because I had to go through the whole difficult area…so nope…

// Dreamt about //
Loads of bullshit, really. Loads of things reated to my degree programme, the tough mudder run coming up, and everything all mashed together and put into surreal contexts…

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Cooking: Quesadillas with veggie salad and dip

Cooking book: Lust auf Kochen: Kreative Rezepte für jeden Tag
Publisher: Kochhaus

Estimated time: 40min
Actual time: 30min

Difficulty: 2/10 (maybe, hard to judge…but it was rather easy)
Amount: here pictures for one person, usually for 2 ppl
Price per person: ~2 or 3€

Another totally not weight watcher´s friendly yet delicious and easy meal from the cooking book. It´s been quick, easy and simple to prepare (even whilst doing other things at the same time). And it´s really heavy, so maybe not usable for the hottest of all summer days, especially as the portion from the cooking book is really big – this is literally just 2/3 of it as I took just two instead of three wraps because I would explode otherwise I guess…


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Day X+300-304 – Downhill with full speed

21.06.2017 – Day X+300
Excited. Oh so excited. Everything is packed, I am ready! Except my body that is still acting up and is the reason why I am not going to my hoop class tonight – I really regret it and it makes me sad but I really don´t wanna risk anything to be honest…The festival is more important than any kinds of sports or workout right now…let the games begin – with a good night of sleep!

22.06.2017 – Day X+301 & 23.06.2017 – Day X+302
Well, how the festival day went, you know already as I´ve been blogging about it separately – the day after, aka the travel back home to Hamburg is also something, that I´ve been writing about. The evening though was great, because I took a hot bath and a long nap and then was ready for a lazy evening, lazy ordered food, playing some games…it was what I needed – comfort, and distraction from all the frustration of the ast 1,5 days…

24.06.2017 – Day X+303
When I woke up next to my boyfriend, the world was a bit better again, though my health was playing tricks on me. I felt like having a cold, weak, and dizzy. My mosquito bite was hot and swollen, and after having been home I decided to directly go to hospital to have it checked. And take a guess – I ended up with injections to kill the allergic reaction. Fun times for someone who is totally scared of needles…just thinking about it again makes me halfway pass out…but I didn´t. Just the side effects of the meds made me tired so I just did some grocery shopping and then relaxed and bathed in feeling terrible and miserable…oh and I ate. Loads. And drank. Even more.

25.06.2017 – Day X+304
I literally think that I spent the day eating and drinking and battling the side effects of yesterday´s medication. I did play here and there and also did some cleaning but I felt like a robot and not well at all. BUt you just gotta get stuff done…

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