Day X+267-269 – Thunder, sports and learning

19.05.2017 – Day X+267
House score times to ensure that my apartmnt doesn´t like someone had dropped a bomb – I should have done that a while ago, but usually I was too lazy and too busy. But it went rather quick so I had plenty of time to do other things that still were on my to-do list. In the evening my boyfriend came and instead of watching TV a lot, we turned it off and watched the thunderstorm with lightning from the couch…and that was quite a spectacle!

20.05.2017 – Day X+268
Started the day with a good and late breakfast, which was too heavy for my body as I had to face when going on my 6km run – after 5,6km I couldn´t do anymore, my lung and body were on hiatus…ah well, but the time was all right for my taste, it´s all about persistance. After I showered, did some stretching and did sit in front of the soccer live ticker to at least follow the match of FC Köln (and go nuts about the fact we´ll be playing internationally :D) like this…and the rest of the day – the usual buzz, of house scores and all the things 😉 And on top stomach issues due to my food and too much lactose in it…strike.

21.05.2017 – Day X+269
My stomach was still a bit bitchy and grumpy from yesterday, but I made the best out of it – let´s see if I will be all good tomorrow, because I really have to. So much coming up – and maybe that´s also the problem, that there is too much to focus on and switch between right now. Ah well, Sunday Funday, I started sewing the second dress of the same kind and did learning as well – as always – sports…why do I not see this in my weight though I keep in my Weight Watchers points? Cannot believe I am instead only building up muscle mass…

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Day X+264-266 – Summer is here!

16.05.2017 – Day X+264
I woke up with my stomach being a tad – well no, more than just a tad – bitchy, so I couldn´t even finish my tasty pancake for breakfast. But no can do, besides resting which I nearly did – had a job interview, and then went to my boyfriend´s place right away because it wouldn´t have made sense to go home first. So I had some resting and being forced to do nothing more or less and then a sweet evening with my boyfriend.

17.05.2017 – Day X+265
A busy busy busy day – started the day with a job interview, then went home, dropped into bed because I hadn´t slepped too well and then had a phone job interview later on…and I went for a short 3km run, because I wanted more I really considered running another route but the heat and weather simply made me feel like I was a running burning something…and then I still had to go to Hoop class in the evening, so I still needed some power – and I really needed it, it was hot, sweaty, painful and resulted in quite some bruises that I somehow always just discover by accident nowadays…

18.05.2017 – Day X+266
Since yesterday morning or even the day before my neck hurts and when I yawn or so, then my head hurts a bit…damned stiff muscles, even though I am working on loosening those – cannot wait for my next physiotherapy. Anyways, it´s been hot again and thus went out biking for a nice 15km even though it had gotten windy and you really just waited for it to turn and be rainy…but it didn´t happen, which was good. But generally the weather is…exhausting, especially since it is always on the edge to thunder and lighting.

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Hoop Lesson 2 (10.05.2017)

To be honest, when I saw we´re having a replacement teacher as our main teacher was not able to make it for the lesson, I was kinda relieved – because I immediately hoped that it would give me the chance to repeat and rehearse what we´ve learned so far because I felt guilty. Guilty because I had been too lazy to go to playtime so far, and I know I need to change it I think.

So yeah, since the replacement teacher only had the video that we taped in the first lesson, it was a relaxed but still really productive lesson for me. During the knee hook I managed to finally touch at least my feet by bending back – maybe it was because of the wamr-up that clearly did stretch my back more than the usual warmup does. But it felt like a damned milestone, even though it really doesn´t look that tough and complicated and might also be easy for others – but due to my back issues I have limited flexibility anyways. So it´s a huge step for me and really something I need to keep working on.

The rest of the elements we had so far aso went easier and felt less stressful, but I think that the factor time played a big role – we were not rushing though the things but took our time to again and again repeat the positions and spins until everyone got them right and even though that really drained the energy, I went out there with such a better feeling than during the first lesson – so good!

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Day X+261-263 – The weather vs me

13.05.2017 – Day X+261
After having been in bed at 10pm last night, I nearly slept 12 hours and still was rather exhausted and the weather didn´t make it any better, as it was pretty heavy on the body and it felt like it was weighing you down. And once I actually had the guts to go for a run, it started raining and the thunder started rolling in but never really came to pour it all out, instead it kept drizzling which drove me crazy.But at least I then had time to start learning for my entrance exam xD

14.05.2017 – Day X+262
There are days on which you should simply stay in bed – and already without having gotten up, I knew this. I got up anyways, prepared breafast and burned my bread roll, and then kicked the plate off the kitchen counter and had to redo everything again…Then went for a run, and later on figure out why there was all the police around as they were searching for someone who had shot a girl in the chest in the morning. well, what a great day. I really have had enough of excitement for the week.

15.05.2017 – Day X+263
Woke up and somehow felt dizzy, and this feeling didn´t really vanish throughout the day but nevertheless went for a run (4km) and was even more dead afterwards because now the sum of yesterday´s 6km and today´s 4km is what my legs were killed by. Still I went to do some little necessary shopping in the sun…I feel like cooking in my apartment already now, I am really not looking forward to summer in here…Besides this – playing a bit of Sims, doing house scores and learning for my entrance exam.

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Always on Sunday (42)

This week was a busy one, and it really feels tough to recapture – I hope I haven´t forgotten too much in this little recapture, but so many things come and go that it really is hard to keep track on it.

// Done //
– Job interview in Berlin
– Application writing & job interview planning
– Learning for entrance exam in Jyväskylä
– Planning trip for my entrance exams
– A day at Heidepark

// Eaten //
– Meat and fish, mostly with my Shirataki noodles
– Asian takeaway
– A crepe at heidepark

// Bought //
– Flights to Finland
– Trains in Finland & Germany
– Hotel in Finland
– The usual food
– A new jogging arm bag thingy for my phone as the old one doesn´t work anymore

// Listened to //
– Radio
– Apocalyptica
– Placebo

// Watched //
A lot of series, as it nicely fit into my short evenings and in between learning breaks, and household breaks and everything – and yes, it´s been mostly trash series on TV, running mostly in the background. I really struggled to sit down and really actively watch something unless I was with my boyfriend.

// Read //
I read an article about neuroscience and how oxytocin is the base for having trust in others, how chronic stress – amongst other factors – is killing the production of it and everything related to how to create a culture of trust in businesses – you can ead it **HERE**
Same goes for “Leadership in context” which I just started working on, so no summary on this one – but have your own read **HERE**

// Played //
Nothing, no time, and I somehow preferred to sleep every second possible instead of playing video games…maybe this is soon gonna change when I have an add on for my Sims 4 game…

// Thought //
That things are getting too much right now, the bulk of job interviews, rejections, traveling for job interviews, and the the planning and learning for the entrance exam

// Happy about //
Happy and excited about being invited to the entrance exams for my maste´s programme at the end of the month at my old university where I also did my bachelor´s degress and really grateful for having received this chance. Hopefully gonna use this chance.

// Angry about //
People not reading applications properly, then being surprised I do not bring certain skills that were not even mentioned in the job ad and are even more surprised when I tell them I live in a different city than where the company and job interview is and need to travel back home 2.5h. This is what I totally call fail.

// Wished for //
Having gotten to know about being invited to the entrane exams earlier so that I could have still gotten better flights, as it is hilarious in a negative way how expensive everything is now when bookng rather spontaneously.

// Dreamt about //
Loads of odd things with bands, different countries and creepy things…stuff you mostly do not want to remember, because i really makes you doubt about your sanity…

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Day X+257-260 – After rain comes sunshine

09.05.2017 – Day X+257
It´s been one of those days that you would like to cross off the calendar, forget about the day and make it unhappen. First I got my rejection from the job that I really really wanted and really had a good feeling for, and then personal issues. I was really over my limit, and that was really such a major downfall…so awful.

10.05.2017 – Day X+258
It´s been a crazy day…in the morning still rather grumpy, down and stressed out about the day, I already got the first great news when on my way home from my boyfriend´s place: the invitation to the entrance exams for my master´s programme in Finland. Then rushed to the physiotherapy, and on my way back got a call from radio station energy Hamburg that I won two tickets for going to Heidepark on Friday…totally crazy day, really.

11.05.2017 – Day X+259
Berlin and a job interview, so I got up really early and hopped onto the train, chilled a bit and went some sightseeing and walking as such, and then did the not sucessful interview (I will not go into detail why, but all I will say I am really disappointed) and then was tanning in the sun at the river Spree until my train was ready to take me back to Hamburg. Went home, cooked, took a hot bath and then dropped into bed.

12.05.2017 – Day X+260
I had won two tickets to go to Heidepark in Soltau for free – including budride there and back, and entering before the park opens, as we checked the new attraction which was not my cup of tea, but anyways. The rest of the day was amazing, and after the initial not too inviting weather it was just a great sunny day and what I needed with my boyfriend – relaxing, turning off the mind and spending time together…In the evening we didn´t have the power anymore to cook so we had Asian takeaway, and then just dropped into bed – the day really was exhausting but so great!

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Manage your life!

Actually I had hoped that this little text would somewhen appear on “To write love on her arms”, a page about depressions and everything related – but since they have so many pitched articles, mine fell kinda off the edge of the table.

But as I invested time and effort in it nevertheless, and it had been quite some writing with an “aha effect” for me, I will share it with you anyways!

I am a planner, organizer, everything in control person and people say I m great at what I am doing – probably that’s why I made this to be my job. Juggling with time frames, deadlines, humans and money is what I do in my job with passion and a perfectionist’s precision.

Luckily, or unfortunately, I am also in my private life in a passionate and tight relationship with my zillions of to-to lists for every day, and my little pocket calendar – all spread throughout my whole apartment. Under the couch, on my desk, on my wall…

You might be laughing about it, as I usually do – but you know what I noticed? This urge to plan everything in detail (even vacations are my planning-victims) has started just when all this chaos in my head, as I call it in a way, started.

So much had gotten lost in these storms of thoughts, feelings, fears and ideas that at some points I wanted to make up for this “weakness”, officially labelled as depression with a tendency of bipolar behaviour. I didn’t want to forget appointments anymore, let down friends and forget my family’s birthdays so I started this all. I found my own ways and I realized how good it felt to actually be in control of something – noting everything down in something tangible gave me this feeling of security that I was able to carry around and simply look at when my brain forgot what day it was and what was on my plate for the day.

And being in control of at least something in my life as I felt like – that was what I liked about it. More and more – every day I also realized how much others appreciated me being in control of my life as they thought it was like. And how they liked to have me help with planning parties, vacations, surprises – I was someone to rely on when it comes to the detailed planning, not forgetting a thing. Because somewhere, on some sheet of paper, I had it all noted down. You just had to find it somewhere.

And this is also how it was in my profession as a project manager – if you look at me, I am perfectly organised, I rock a team of quite a few members and don’t forget a single deadline or important matter to discuss. What noone saw for a long time was, that it wasn’t all in my head. It was in my two calendars, my lists, the messages to myself in the company’s chat tool. I was functioning as you would expect it to be for someone who works on a project bringing millions of revenue – as a ypung woman in the IT business you have to stand your man even more, I always thought. Show no weaknesses, go strong or go home.

But they saw how it looked inside of me when I had lost my calendar with important appointment info and to do lists. Those days were tough ones at work, needing to explain to people why I all of a sudden forget meetings, deadlines, important matters even though they were raised just a day or even a few hours ago. I felt stripped, naked, busted – and waited for everything to fall into the tiniest possible pieces. And I waited. And waited. And nothing happened – people joked about me being human at last, and built me up again. I made it bigger than it was to my team, and it was an amazing feeling to see and especially feel how I was accepted with my flaws and noone had stopped appreciating me now that my “mystery” was laid open. And I was surprised that I was not even alone with depressions in my team, suddenly I had peope come up to me and out in meetings with me, feeling even more safe and understood before and after all these experiences that I made, I simply had to help and encourage my folks tob e open about it as it´s nothing tob e ashamed of. Have them do what I didn´t dare to do before this mistake that I really do not regret anymore, it´s turned from a curse to a blessing because it enabled me tob e myself. A 100% myself and not just a person wearing a mask to fit the system or what I believed was the system right there.

You see, not every weakness ends up being a “contra” point used against you – I learned to be creative to work around those weaknesses and maybe be ahead of them, and learned from failing to hide them. Embrace yourself, embrace what others see as weaknesses or flaws and think outside of the box to turn them into strengths that make you stand out. Because if you you, it´s not only making you human and feeling better, but you might just as well be an inspiration to others, fighting the same silent and hidden fight as you were before „coming out“.

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Day X+253-256 – Sinner and Saint (Food and sports)

05.05.2017 – Day X+253
So today I went to the stock holders´ meeting of Lufthansa – no, I am not in any kind having any shares there, but someone I know and who couldn´t go and thus asked if I wanted to simply check it out how it rolls, and that´s something you don´t need to ask me twice. I always want to check out new things, so I was there at 10am and checked it out – was pretty interesting at parts, until the point where there was the question round and the questions – for my taste – became odder and odder…  then and after having had some nice potato soup and sausage I left and went home – was an interesting time, but proably nothing I´d be doing twice 😉

06.05.2017 – Day X+254
The day was rather crappy for quite a while, and then the evening had turned the day to the better with cooking good food and then baking meerkat cookies with my boyfriend. It was so much fun baking those, decorating those and they taste just amazing 😀

07.05.2017 – Day X+255
So, as I am doing this training plan, I went for a 6km run after my breakfast – I usually run for 2,5-3km, so these 6km were really something frightening for me at first. But it went rather well, surely I have not been running always but also had walking parts, but it felt much better than expected and I was high on adrenaline afterwards – and then dead. So that was the main thing for the day basically.

08.05.2017 – Day X+256
Rest day! No sports, luckily – my legs really would´ve not been able to handle that anways because the muscles are so sore. And I always thought it would not kick me off track that badly, but how wrong I seemingly was…my full legs hurt, from top to toes, only my arms are recovering pretty well from my hoop lesson. I really need to get fit fast agan to be able to use the playtimes at the studio. And I hope my migraine issues will disappear now that I was at my physiotherapy again..I am just a cripple or at least feel like it at times hahaha

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Always on Sunday (41)

Wow, just did my first 6km run and I feel now kinda destroyed, but happy – all he training that I started for the obstacle mud run Tough Mudder Half in July will take quite some of my free time but it motivates me and I like pushing my limits as I did today.

Now it is time for some blogging 😉

// Done //
– 1 job interview
– First hoop lessons again
– House scores – blergh, should have done more
– Writing applications & handling job agency issues
– Sewing  a bit, but not as much as I had planned to
– Photo editing- I had planned so much more, shame on me when seeing what I amanged
– Stock holders meeting of Lufthansa
– Baking cookies in shape of a meerkat

// Eaten //
– Too much, and too little fruits
– Amazingly tasty selfbaked cookies
– Too little fish and too much meat
– Lizza-Pizza, selfmade

// Bought //
– Food
– Ticket for the obstacle mud run Tough Mudder Half

// Listened to //
– Faey
– Placebo
– Random playlists on Amazon Music

// Watched //
– “Mein Kind, Dein Kind” – Nope, I clearly do not want kids. When watching this you often might think you could do better, but at the same time you see what assholes kids can be – so no thank you. Not for me.
– “Alarm für Cobra 11” – I wonder when it happens that the main person quits for whatever reasons, as it happened with the others – because I kinda grew up with this actor being part, and he clearly is the reason why I am watching it – in addition to me knowing where they film and shoot the series as it´s around Cologne which is still my hometown. 
– “Nikola” –
Always watched it when I was younger, and somehow I stick to it – even have a DVD of it, but having it on video on demand makes it kinda nicer – because every week you get new parts of it to re-watch ^^

// Read //
A lot about how to prepare for the Tough Mudder Half run and what to pack, what not to do, what to eat and everything – I wanna do the best preparation possible, and for some things I need alternatives how to train certain muscles so I am also planning how to do this…

// Played //
Nothing, somehow the week just ran past without having had a second to really play anything…maybe next week I will find the time again 😉

// Thought //
How I would handle if I got a job in Berlin and everything…with the traveling and such stuff…and if I would still find a new job in Hamburg and all of this…too many thoughts in my head to really grab a single one and properly elaborate.

// Happy about //
That the summer dress that I sewed for someone fits and is being liked by that person – full relief, as I was really worried it might not fit.
Also, I managed my 6km run off my training plan for the Tough Mudder Half obstacle run, and felt amazing afterwards – what a great feeling!

// Angry about //
Companies coming back to me after I had contacted them after more than a month has passed by since the very last talks that were had. And still they needed a damned full week after I emailed them to tell me they had already found a different candidate. This my dear company, is not the style you can treat people.

Also I am angry about the fact that some people think it´s right to make fun of me wanting to take part in these obstacle mud runs – and saying I´d need vacation afterwards and would not even be able to make it. But fuck it, thanks for the extra amount of motivation- How can you be so ignorant instead of supportive…

// Wished for //
Less troubles, less discussions, more positive instead of frustrating news and things that happened.

// Dreamt about //
Nothing, really. No dreams that you have usually at nighttime, or rather: I cannot properly remember those, and maybe that´s better this way.

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Day X+248-252 – Bee, be busy

30.04.2017 – Day X+248
A sunny day, Like, seriously. And I decided on going for a walk – at first I had planned to be going for a short and little walk as I was not totally convinced that it was a good idea. And I was surprised that I enjoyed the walk, and walked more and more and further away and found some more beautiful nature only half an hour away from me – fields, flowers, trees. Nothing to be seen from the citylife. And a lot of pollen there were too, but with a new nosespray, that didn´t really bother me at all.

01.05.2017 – Day X+249
I celebrated the start of May by going onto a longer biking ride – 16km of exploring the surroundings of where I live, exploring new parts of the city, finding new places of nature and being stunned so much beauty is so close to my place. And having the fresh air blow into my face, enjoying the weather without struggling against allergic issues thanks to a special anti-allergic nosespray…it was just so good!

02.05.2017 – Day X+250
In the morning a job interview that did not really made me too happy to be totally honest, so yet another bubble was bursting and fell into pieces, but this is how job search is, never be too sure about performing well during the talks, it always comes differently than expected. And that can be hell of a frustration at times, but you cannot change that, only cope with it – but that´s hard, it rises the stress level and I really struggled to calm down and relax this time. And my boyfriend did his best to have my mind turned off, but it didn´t fully work unfortunately.

03.05.2017 – Day X+251
What a stressful day – going home from my boyfriend in the morning, then at late lunchtime I had my physiotherapy to attend, and in the evening my first hoop lesson again. So basically I spent more time “on the road”, instead of being at home and relaxing  – that really was not on my schedule unfortunately.  And in the evening I really dropped into my bed, unshowered, no hot bath, I just wanted to sleep after I had dinner.

04.05.2017 – Day X+252
Full of aching muscles, bruises, blue spots and being totally tired somehow. The rainy weather ddn´t really motivate me either, so I kinda decided on a lazy day so that my body can recover – and the skin on my hands really needs that time, with my open blisters from yesterday´s workout.

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Hoop Lesson 1 (03.05.2017)

First time back on the hoop, and already the warm up was something that I needed to get used to again – it´s not like I became unsporty or anything, but this warm up simply is a lot different to my usual warm ups and my previous course and what I was generally training lately. But I felt like I was being put back into place, really good. My coordination of the limbs though proved to be difficult again 😉

So now let´s first have a listen to the song for the choreography – this time it´s Ed Sheeran with “Make it rain”:

As such, the song is nice, no doubts. Yet it´s again nothing that was suggest in our Facebook group, and I decided to never even bother to post a song suggestion as seemingly noone cares. And yes, I am sick and tored of dancing to songs I have no connection to, and this song is no exception there to be fully honest. And if you need to listen to the song many times each and every lesson, it starts to be annoying – I noticed that I already now dislike the first 40 seconds as we worked on those already.

We´re quite a mixed group, some are advanced, I am beginner, there are also total beginners, and yet our teacher decided to make it “advanced beginners” to entertain the advanced ones and challenge us normal beginners. And the way she built up the lesson was – at least for me – too fast. It´ not like we started with easy and simple moves and positions, but with stuff that really was a challenge already. I really had planned to show you what we did in terms of shots that you can find on the internet, but I couldn´t even really figure out the names – so I will catch up with that in a bit!

And then she additionally did it pretty fast, and I really struggled – and noticed that my limbs don´t want to function and my frustration level kept on rising and rising. My hands did the rest, as I got blisters and an open wound now – this whole lesson made me just frustrated and angry. Not really a start that you´d want…

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Hotel ibis Toulouse Centre

It´s been a while since my boyfriend and I were in Toulouse, but since I am in the mood for wanderlust, instead of planning another trip, I am looking back to Toulouse and the stay at the Ibis Hotel.

Chain hotels are usually a safe thing to book in foreign cities, and our stay clearly proved us right – you just know those hotels have a certain standard, and that´s been the case here aswell.

It was easy to find the the way to the hotel, even though there were no signs – probably because it really was close to the centre, and from there you were able to walk everywhere in the city. Located in a side-street, the hotel was quite silent, unless you hadd assholes in rooms that are connected to your air condition pipes and you can listen to them fighting, crying and smell them smoking. This clearly is something they should work on, even though I am aware of it being complicated. At least the people at the reception were always nice and helpful, definitely a pluspoint!

The room itself was a bit small in the entrance area – you kinda against the door or the little wardrobe when going in there, so yeah…this clearly wasn´t done too well, but anyways. The bed itself was comfy, maybe the mattress was a bit too hard and the one single blanket for us two was a bit of a challenge at first but you can get used to such things. The pillows, well, I couldn´t wait to be back home again. Or well, a reason why it would make sense to bring your own.

The rest of the room was just the right size to store all the things we had and make up for not using the breakfast buffet once. The bathroom was pretty much a one man show, because there´s not been much space for two people – and the door had quite a gap on the bottom end, which I personally found a bit weird to be honest.

As mentioned, we tried the breakfats buffet once and I am not really fully convinced that it was worth it.

It was a basic breakfast, with nice sweet bread and different other things, but something was missing for me, yet I cannot put the finger on it. Maybe that´s also why it stayed a one time thing that we went there and the other mornings got ourselves some food and had breakfast on our room.



Prices standard room
Double room ~55-70€ a night

2, Rue Claire Pauilhac
31000 Toulouse


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Day X+245-247 – Where can I order the sun?

27.04.2017 – Day X+245
Cold got worse, and so I had to cancel today´s job interview because with hardly any voice and a stuffed nose and feeling feverish, no chance. Doesn´t work for me and also not for the other party involved. So I stayed home, inside and mostly on the couch and in the bed where it is nicely warm and cozy…and just did a little washing dishes and such, nothing big. Because I was mostly too tired and exhausted somehow, my body didn´t even request any workout or so. Why can´t the weather be warmer again and everything, so terrible for the health right at the moment…

Besides that I really have to go and check out some gyms for the time when I am having a new job because I think my body really needs more than just the soon again starting hoop lessons in order to really lose weight again and make my body look tighter…

28.04.2017 – Day X+246
The photo was not taken today, because I was in no state to actually go for a walk – but I wanted to share it from one of my last walks anyways. So yeah, I dragged myself outside just to again not be getting anywhere with stuff. Rest of the day I spent relaxing, eating chicken soup and enjoying the warmth that my boyfriend always gives me – that always makes me feel better.

29.04.2017 – Day X+247
Waking up next to someone you love is probably still the most beautoful thing that you can experience…this is why I enjoy Saturday mornings so much – and why it is so hard to get out of bed, but for a good breakfast even that is possible 😉
Anyways, afterwards I picked up my Shirataki noodles from the post office – too heavy. Just too heavy. So many. And the rest of the day I spent inside as the weather was not too inviting to spend much time outside, and I had plenty of things to do – inside the apartment 😉

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