Fly or drown

Whilst I am sitting here in bed with a cold/flu/whatever-the-hell it is, and when not feeling all worn out, I have a lot of time to reflect on things.

And one of those things is one question that people kept asking me after the incident on Mud Master´s “Flyer” obstacle last weekend. It´s the question of “why did you even do it if you were so afraid”. And that question is not even that easy to answer, because I feel like there is not THE answer. But I´ll try to explain.

So two years ago I was at City Slide in Hamburg, a massive slide where you had to run on a plastic surface and then jump onto your blow-up ring and slide down this big slide. I managed to step onto uneven ground, slipped and fell onto neck, shoulder and head. And was rushed to hospital with maybe a slipped disk in my neck. In the end it was no slipped desk, just massive bruises and such, but I spent days at the hospital on strong medication and suffered (and sometimes still do) from neck stiffness and such bullshit for a long time.

I told myself, I will never go onto a water slide or similar – and that was me, the person who from young age on had probably no bigge rlove than water slides. Back in the days, I spent hours in water arks, queuing for slides – no matter how wild, steep and crazy. And there I was, I needed more than a year to actually dare to walk up the stairs up to a water slide again. Even just walking those stairs, those few stairs, was massive. And no, I did not slide down the first time I went up there. But I am someone who likes to get going, who likes to face struggles because I really wanted to get back to “me” – the person who loved slides.

And after the first time I was on a water slide, I was scared. All those seconds, all the way down to the water. But I did it again and again and slowly the fun was coming back – in baby steps, smaller not possible. But I started feeling more confident all the time. Maybe because it was those closed slides, all round, no chance of much happening. Children slides.

And then I signed up for the Mud Masters run and to be fair, I noticed too late, that there was the “Flyer”- the damned slide. And from the first moment on, something in my head told me, that it´s no good idea. The surface reminded me on the one at City Slide, with just soft boundaries, that whole feel…but I decided I will manage. Maybe because I really hoped I would.

But after the start of the run, with every step I did, I knew I was coming one step close to this obstacle, and something in me was screaming “no”. And maybe I should have better listened, but I wanted to prove myself that I can manage, that I am over it. Then I was walking up these massive stairs up – 10m high. And my body was not quite sure what to think about it, my heartrate went up – hello, height. Hello fear. So I was standing there on top, aside. And somehow I knew I was going to do something stupid by sliding down. My head was blank, my feelings did not talk to me anymore. For literally the first time ever in my life. I don´t know what I felt, it was all empty – and I just looked at those people slide down, being excited. And then there was this thought: why can´t it also not make me excited, in a positive way?

And then I did what I should have not been doing – some folks walking by kinda dragged me along (no offense, it´s not their fault) and all of a sudden I was sat there. 10m down. Water. My thoughts going crazy, flashbacks to my time in the ambulance back then. And then I was like: I wanna get up, and walk downstairs.

And instead of listening to my body, my ego was like “okay, you can do that, so don´t be a pussy, and just do it, you will not re-” – and there I was sliding thinking “fuck I do regret it”, having my eyes closed, with the oddest thoughts ever during those very few seconds. And already during sliding I knew, I did a mistake. I knew that I had overestimated my progress of overcoming this fear of water slides. I really had believed I could do this, and my mind was so focusses on this “I will do this”, that the body signals were just ignored – I don´t know how that is even possible when looking back, but when ego, will and wanting to be a tough girl all come together, this is the outcome.

I had that hope that it all would just work out – that I would walk out of the water and be like “fuck yes, I did it” – I would have been scared but stronger because I noticed I could´ve done it. And instead I hit the water, and all I saw was whiteness whilst my head was under the water and the rest – I crawled out of the water, with panic wide eyes and I was done. My heart racing. And the worst thing about this situation was: I made it, but I felt worse than before, my thoughts were all full of fear instead of relief. It has thrown me back to the start, and even further back off because this experience has left mental scars again – on top of the old ones.

So yeah, maybe it explains why I did go down that slide…maybe it doesn´t, maybe I just needed to talk about it – feel free to decide yourself!

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Mud Masters in Luhmühlen – 12km (16/09/2017)

I had bought a ticket off another girl who couldn´d go (and knew that in advance) due to an injury, so I got my 12km ticket for rather little money. Compared to current prices at least.

I thought that 12km and it being close to Hamburg (just around 45min relaxed drive from hamburg by car) was a ood combination to finish off my first little obstacle run reason – thing is, my week has been terribly busy and I have been pretty exhausted and tired all week, but once I arrived there, I felt hyped.

I was suprised about the comparably cheap parking lot price (5€) and the close distance from the parking lot to the actual entrance where you had to go and check in. That went, despite the long queue, pretty quick – only thing was: they scanned your ticket but still had to ask you for your distance? What is THAT? It´s been all booked onto the bar code, but well – something minor, no biggy.  Especially since everyone was reallly charming. Reall odd was: that band that you had to put around your ankle as a tracking for photos later on. No idea how that is supposed to work, but I will see later on if it worked.

Area was nicely explained with signs and the changing room was even a tent – all covered, nice wooden floor, plenty of space, positive surprise again – except for the too loud music. It felt like it blows your eyes out. Dropping off the bag later on was also nothing too difficult, and went rather quick. The usual wristlet system, nothing special.

What I enjoyed a lot was: normal bathrooms in addition to dixie toilets. I hate dixie toilets, so poper and normal ones were a blessing. So I was all prepared for the run I thought, having watched a bit of the other runners and having warmed up myself as the warm-up in the starting area again was hilarious and useless.

I felt good during the start, was motivated and thought that the team spirit was gonna be just the same as with Tough Mudder, but to already talk about it: no, it was not the case. Many of the obstacles where you needed help, you were all on your own, and thus had to either wait for help or take the pussy way out: run around it. I don´t want to generalize stuff – there have of course been helpful people, but compared to what I experienced before, it´s been rather a fail.

But now let´s get talking about the obstacles!

Jump Overs – hay blocks that you had to get over, pretty easy and during the course there were several kinds of hay obstacles, and I really started enjoying them because they were really easy for me – even though I later on saw grown up strong man struggle with getting up and over those…

Monkey bars – I tried it too quick, and instead of taking both hands onto every bar and grab it before swinging to the next one, I tried swinging from one to another. Well nope, it didn´t work. Hello first cold bath.

Up under – you somehow have to get up and under through some gates, nothing they had to set up, but it was a welcome obstacle on the course 😉

Chest Bumpers – I think those were also hay obstacles, just a tad higher but still – no problem at all, fun, and pretty much to get over without pain 😉

Tyre Horden – You have a gate with tyres. And if you don´t jump and throw yourself with enough force onto them, you simply roll back as the tyres then move under your weight. Also no biggy, but it was really fun 😀

Combi Walls – 3m wall , but with strong men no problem 😉 And with strong women, because I spent my time first with getting the girls over before at some point I ran out of power and needed help myself…

Marine Table –  I am really not sure why it is called that way, it is a wall that bends to your so you cannot just easly jump and climb. I got some help luckily and got over that obstacle pretty easily.

Net Climb – Oh I loved it, I like climbing nets, so I could have ha dmore than this obstacle…felt amazing, mooooooore of that please 😀

Geronimo – I think it was the swinging over a puddle of water and mud – the thing was – my grip would´ve worked if I would have started from a higher “hill”, because it was again really tiny…but nearly made it and was better than many others. My pole dancing really helped there!

Mud Zone – I love mud, I love running up and down muddy little hills and crawl through the mud – the thing is: my shoes are just made for this, I hardly slip whilst others struggle xD

Buddy Carry – felt pretty stupid, not having any buddies – so in the end I just kept running because I simply didn´t eant to wait and hope for someone else to come around who also had no buddy…

Flyer – 10m high. 10m long slide. Cold water at the end awaiting. Let´s put it this way, I was scared of this for the whole time, and it was traumatic.


Well, I am setting this break here because: I had a forced break. The Flyer killed me. I was scared of the height and those that follow this blog for a longer time know of my fear of water slides and slides of any kind due to my accident back then. And this fear has now been growing even more, because already when sliding down and flying towards water I noticed how my heart was racing.

When I hit the water, I literally felt my heart skip a beat and my lung cramping. It wasn´t even me who noticed first that something was not right when having finally my head over water again – the water security pulled me out and when I was standing outside, I noticed how dizzy I was and how everything was turning. So they took me to the ambulance and put me to an EKG and checked my blood sugar and blood pressure and well, since my heart was beating really fast and didn´t really calm down as much as it should, the brought me to their “main first aid station” back to where the start was…and all in all I spent like an hour there, and they were not totally sure if I should really try to finish the run – but with toight restrictions on which obstacles I was allowed to do and which not. I went back to the Flyer and started from new – surely not with the Flyer again, but afterwards. Giving in is no option for me, especiay not since I felt really good again.

But: thumbs up for the paramedics, great and nice guys, and you really didn´t feel sick. They tried to comfort with loads of humor, and that just did really do the trick for me!

Getting tyred – running through tires on the floor, not too tricky, unless someone else behind or in front of you made the tyres move and then you tripped…first little challenge after my forced break.

Sizzler – well, it´s been a “crawl under the net if you´re a pussy” or “take the sizzler lane and crawl under electricity”. To be fair, I took the pussy lane, simply because I couldn´t estimate how strong the sizzler was and after my health issues, I wasn´t keen on more problems…next time: sizzler lane!

Vertical monkey – Hated it with a passion, and didn´t climb up all the way because thw ooden breams were moving and I had the feeling it was too high and felt too instable to so the last bream…i don´t care what others thought, I come first.

Window Wall – When I ran towards this wall of wood with window holes in it, I frst thought “oh shit I am alone, do I go around” but it was so easy, a jump, one proper positioning of my foot on the wood and it was done. To be fair, I was really proud of myself even though it´s not been the biggest obstacle.

Horizon climber – I so looked forward to it – and then I was stood there and even had problems to grab the rope because I am so short. So first had to climb up which cost quite some energy and then got till the middle of the distance where I had, from out of nowhere, a massive cramp in my leg and had to let loose of the rope…I am still frustrated about it but really loved it nevertheless!

Buddy Carry again – uncreative, yes, I know, especially since I again didn´t have anyone to carry, nor someone to carry me…it felt like they had to fill the distance but no idea with what…

Marine Table – and another obstacle that we had AGAIN. And this time, noone was around. So yep, I would´ve tried it on my own if I had been fully fit, but nope, no chance this time. And that just pissed me off.

Natural Obstacle – made me feel like a horse, and was funny and nothing too challenging, so good for just calming down a bit and then get going again afterwards.

Cross over/under – cute and nothing special, easy, but I especially liked the “cross over” part, such things always are something for my taste!

Spinning monkey – I was pissed as I really wanted to give it a try, but I couldn´t even reach the spinning wheels – why did they not simply make the little hill for the start higher? Not everyone is 175cm or taller for fuck´s sake!

Anaconda trails – if I remember correctly, it was simply a water area you were able to run/walk through, not too deep, you didn´t have to swim – all ood and easy. Oh and it´s been one of those obstacles that usually are for horses 😉

Net jump – I really wanted to try, but I couldn´t get anywhere to grab the first part of the next to swing to the next one – why not hang it even higher so noone can grab it?

Power Tower – aka a smaller version of the Pyramid scheme from Tough Mudder. And as I had noone around anyways and needed to watch my health, I took the easy way out and simply just passed by. It somehow looked so semi-professional to me, too…

Load Carry – Carrying 20kg of sand sack on the shoulders was really easy, I thought it would be feeling heavier but I could have ran far longer carrying those!

Pipe Runner – I ditched it. Because I felt I didn´t have the power for it anymore and didn´t want to risk another injury. One time with the paramedics clearly has been enough for the day!

So much about the obstacles – after the finish, you got your shirt and a beer, and I happily declined the beer. Still not a fan of it, but at least it´d have been alcohol free (right Tough Mudder, you only had normal beer *cough*).

I grabbed my stuff and rushed to the showers that kinda drowned in mud already – no surprise, but at least more and better showers than at tough mudder. And also less cold somehow, or I was frozen already before so anything would´ve felt warm 😉

So, now it´s time for a CONCLUSION: The obstacles were nothing too exciting and rather less well made than at Tough Mudder (quite frankly, many felt like not so great copies of the Tough Mudder ones), there was less team spirit amongst everyone included BUT it was great suroundings wise- well organized, great parking, better showers /cloakroom/changing rooms and …alcohol free beer. So, what would I conclude? To be honest, I am not really sure. I might see things too negatove because of my accident, but I think next time I´d rather only do the small round (6km) where I´d need less help from others unless I am going with a team.

Oh and: I am so curious to see photos of myself…I hope there is gonna be cool shots (they´re also included in the price!)

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1. FC Köln international – Wenn Fans zu Konkurrenten werden

Ich kann mich daran erinnern, wie ich als kleines Kind zum Fußball und zum FC Köln gekommen bin. Das war vor mehr als 20 Jahren, und ich habe viele Jahre lang Abstiege beweint, und Aufstiege gefeiert, als wären sie der Gewinn einer Meisterschaft. Ich war Heimspiel-Dauerkartenbesitzer, bin mit meiner Mutter auswärts gefahren – im Auto, im Fanbus zwischen meist betrunkenen (aber listigen) anderen Fans. Erzgebirge Aue, Fürth, kleinere und kleinere Stadien – immer mit dabei, mit Leidenschaft. Und einem Traum: einmal nicht um den Abstieg kämpfen, einmal vorne mit dabei sein.

Ich habe den Platz gestürmt bei Aufstiegen, habe Gras vom Stadion mit einem verdammten Schlüssel ausgegraben und zuhause liebevoll angepflanzt. Habe mir die Seele aus dem Leib gesungen, mir Erkältungen und Grippen eingefangen wenn ich mal wieder wo stand, wo es kein Dach gab und es regnete, hagelte, schneite – oder alles abwechselnd. Und so standen WIR zusammen – wir feierten zusammen, wir weinten zusammen. Es gab ein “wir”. Weil man durch diese ganze Scheiße zusammen gegangen war – wir, die Fans. Eine große Familie, die mit stolzgeschwellter Brust überall “einmarschiert” ist, wo wir gespielt haben. Wir waren eins.

Und dann kamen die News dieses Jahr: wir spielen international. Der 1. FC Köln spielt nach so verdammt langer Zeit endlich wieder international. Viele der Fans, wie ich, haben sowas in ihrer “Fan-Laufbahn” nie zuvor erlebt, kennen nur Geschichten und Videos. Wie wenn man über Kriege spricht, wo es Augenzeugenberichte gibt. So hat es sich immer angefühlt, und dann war der Moment auf einmal da. Surreal, es konnte nicht sein. Ein Traum, der wahr wurde – das dachte ich mir, naiv wie ich war. Ich freute mich auf eine wahnsinnig geile Zeit, auf ein Fan-Gefühl, stärker als je zuvor, purer Wahnsinn eben – im positivsten Sinne möglich.

Wahnsinn wurde es auch – wir haben noch kein Spiel gespielt, und ich muss sagen, ich hatte Momente, wo ich mir gewünscht habe, dass es nie soweit gekommen wäre, das mit dem international Spielen. Das Fanprojekt kündigte an, dass man sich anmelden müsse, wenn man ein Auswärts- oder Heimspielticket haben wolle – und dass man dann in den Lostopf käme. Man musste also sein Glück in die Hände von der Technik legen, und das stieß schon einigen vor der Auslosung richtig auf.

Ich habe – vornweg – Glück gehabt, wie ich heute erfahren habe. Ich bin “zuhause” dabei. Aber selbst wenn ich es nicht wäre: ich kann nicht verstehen, wie man sich so aufführen kann, wie es viele zur Zeit tun. “Ich bin besser als du”, “Ich bin länger dabei, bin mehr km gefahren, bin…” – jeder will sich beweisen, seinen Mann stehen. Und aufzeigen, wieso es doch so ungerecht ist, dass man kein Ticket abbekommen hat.  Wieso sollte man sich also für andere freuen, wenn man Neid zeigen kann? Klar, es ist frustrierend – ich war auch wütend und frustriert als ich erfahren habe, dass es nichts mit nach London fliegen wird für das Spiel gegen Arsenal. Aber habe ich gesagt, dass ich es eher verdient hätte als jemand anderes? Nein.

Und all dieses “macht es doch wie bei anderen Spielen – wer zuerst online ist und ein Ticket bestellt, hat Glück” – ja Leute, so einen Server muss das Fanprojekt erst mal hinter den Shop schalten, und wer würde als erstes laut schreien, wenn das nicht hinhaut? genau, die die immer was zu motzen haben weil es ja unfair wäre, wenn der Server gerade dann abrauscht und sie kein Ticket bekommen hätten.

Leute Leute Leute, seht es sportlich. Schaut auf FB etc etc ob jemand zu einem fairen Preis was verkauft – aber hört auf, es allen anderen mies zu machen. Weil wir es ja nicht verdient hätten, ein Ticket zu haben. Geht gar nicht.

Ich war scheiße naiv als ich alles rosa-rot gesehen habe. Nichts mit einer großen Familie. Am Ende ist sich halt doch jeder selbst am nähsten.

Noch einmal werde ich das nicht mitmachen, das verdirbt einem jeglichen Spaß. Aber hey, vllt. isses ja eh erst wieder in 20+ Jahren der Fall, wer weiß das schon…

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Muddy Angel Run – Hamburg – 02/09/2017

Well, back when I booked my ticket for this women´s only mud and obstacle run (which is held in order to support the fight against breast cancer and make aware of breast checks), I had the plan that this is going to be my first run of this kind. Well, as you might know, I´ve already done my Tough Mudder Half in summer, so this run…well, it was a nice run.

Thought I gotta say the fact it´s been women only, kinda was a downside for me – it´s been, before the run, all about selfies, looking cute, some even put on an extra layer of make up and…I just felt wrong somehow. I was there for the run, in the sense of running, getting the obstacles beat and that´s it.

Good thing was, that was in the first starting group right at 10am, so it´s not been busy when checking in and grabbing my startong number and changing clothes. Downside was though, that I had been there as early as indicated in the email, but then had like 1,5h until my run actually started. And at that time of the day it was not really warm, so I was curled up in my winter jacket until the very last moment possible. The bag drop off was pretty easy, as I was one of the first ones – little happening everywhere, much space in the changing area aswell…

The warm up was, I am teribly sorry to say – hilarious. And I am happy that I warmed up my body a bit myself already before this warmup, because otherwise my muscles would´ve still been really cold. And especially with a race that does not target at people that are really sporty and know how to warm up, it might´ve been good to kinda make this a bit better.

Anyways, my start was a bit too quick and my body hated me for it, especially since my body does not wake up properly before 10am on a weekend day and my run started at 10am straight. So yeah, my heart rate was going wild during the run, and I wasn´t feeling too fit but I had fun anyways.

To be honest, in this perspective, I was happy the obstacles were cute and adorable and more aimed at fun than at anything else. Because my body could have not coped with anything extreme or so. Though the loads of cold water really were terrible and made my circulation struggle. Not really my cup of tea, never has been, never will be.

Anyways, finished the run and was happy when it was done, because I also was done 😉 But happy as fck…By the way – there will most likely be some action shots later on, so stay tuned for those 😉 If you want to see a shot of me – check out photo 66 on!

The after math – we got a fitness drink, a bar and an alcohol beer if we wanted to – couldn´t be any better, worked well. What I disliked was that dropping off and picking up you bags was the same queue so I was stood there dripping wet longing for my clothing….and fearing my last obstacle was still to come: the showers. But even those were okay, still cold but after all the cold water it was not really shocking me anymore 😉

Conclusion? A nice fun run I will surely do again, but nothing that really challenges me!

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Catching up with you!

It´s been quite a while since I have been writing about m daily life the last time – in between I shared some other insights, but – let´s put it this way: I´ve been so busy and worn out in the evenings, that I had a hard time to find any words for my life.

Today I try to catch up a bit and try to have you get an insight into my life again.

So, middle of August I started my new job as a junior project manager in a digital company, well, agency to be precise. I´ve been welcomed warmly, and I feel really well there – great colleagues who are all so willing to get me all integrated, included and that I have all the information I need. And I do not take that for granted, it just makes me really happy. I really enjoyed that I got flowers as a present on my first day, though I am not a too big fan of “dead flowers”. A pot with a sunflower would be something I´d be enjoying more, but the gesture is what counts.

There is loads of wok to be done, loads of workflows I need to get to know, and need to understand – especially the latter is a problem, as I have never been working in an agency and many workflows seem just odd. But that´s things that need time, but being imaptient as I am, I struggle with that 😉  In October I will be going to be in Cologne for a week to get to know my colleagues from Cologne and also the colleagues from customer side, as I only know their names and photos and voices (from phone conference times) and it´s so important to get a personal work relationship to work together the best possible. So I am really looking forward to this!

Then just 1,5 weeks after my fresh start in the job, I had my start into my studies – I am now a student for a Master´s degree in Entrepreneurship and Business Competence. And to be honest, the first assignments I already did for my personal development plans, and am working on the things for my first real course in Strategic Management. And to be honest, those are tougher than I expected, so it´s really gonna be a tad stressful until I get used to it and have a personal time plan.

At the moment I am really clueless how I am supposed to manage this – all I know is that I hve no ambitions other than passing courses (a good horse just jumps as high as needed) and finishing my studies withing 3 years in the best case. Nothing else. At east I already got my first course accredited, 5 credits for my project management course aced without doing the course and instead just explaining what I´ve been working for/with and which courses I did and which certificates I have. But still, I like such stuff xD

Then there is sports – I´ve been working out and going for runs quite a bit – since I started my new job I struggle to get back into proper working out phases, but I hope it´s soon gonna improve because I really need that.

I decided on signing up for my very first half marathon next year – crazy idea, but as I need to train for nearly the same distance for my full Tough Mudder run, I decided tahat I could also go for that. And for my training (running) I got a new GPS and pulse supporting watch so I can make the best out of it and train focussed. Let´s see if I make it, right now I am – like with everything at the moment – rather soubtful. Simply because I have no idea if I have the will power to really work off my ass for it…thank God I have loads of time still.

Yesterday I did the Muddy Angel run, 5km of fun obstacles, and it was nice despite the early starting time. But for that, there will be another blog post where I will go more into detail!

Other things – I really tried to get back to sewing more, once I managed to get work, sports, studies and household into my week and figure that I have some more time to really relax. Same goes for playing cello or another instrument (yough yough yes I do have plans). Also I´ve been to the medieval market here in Hamburg again to enjoy the atmosphere and enjoy two Versengold shows that made me feel so good and free. I love the feeling their music gives me!

And besides all of this…hmm. yeah. The tickets for the europe league for FC Köln are literally being raffled – you sign up to take part in the raffle and then get to know if you won. A ticket again Arsenal London? Nope. The home match tickets will be raffled the next days, and I pray I will get one – I´ve been waited for them to play internationally for all my life and now this all becomes a hassle and a source of frustarion rather than excitement…so annoying.

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Cooking: Pappardelle with tenderloin tips in pepper-creme-sauce

Cooking book: Lust auf Kochen: Kreative Rezepte für jeden Tag
Publisher: Kochhaus

Estimated time:  20 min
Actual time:  45 min

Difficulty: 3/10
Amount: For 2 people
Price per person: ~10€

To be honest, when we purchased the ingredients for this cooking session, we kind swallowed hard – because already the meat cost us 10€ for like 250 gramms. Totally expensive but the taste was really nice, made up for the price clearly.

So, preparing this meal was actually easy – throw the pasta into the water, cut the meat and throw it into the pan with the spicy stuff, make the sauce – quick and easy, especially even easier once you know which steps to do and when and everything.

And even though it looks like a light dish, I was really full afterwards as I am not used to normal pasta anymore. Next time it will be less pasta for me, and more spicy additions as the sauce was tasty but was lcking the wow-effect (it´s not easy to explain but I think the spices were the reason).

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2 weeks without…

…Facebook. Well, nearly, as I split it into 2 phases.

It´s funny how most of you will pobably be all “omg did she really do this, how is this even possible” because yes, I have been spending a lot of time on there – mostly I didn´t even notice that I was on Facebook whilst eating or doing something else, it´s just always been present. No matter if it was for simply reading other people´s news, for posting my photos and news or maintaining my own Facebook page for all of my photogaphy.

And after I had finished off all of my Faey photos from the medieval market, I noticed I needed some time – time to myself, quality time and off the computer, away from it, away from my mobile phone. Simply because I had experienced how great that can be when I had forgotten my phone at home before going to the medieval market and thus was forced to actually survive without a phone for a full day.

And I, to be honest, thought it´s gonna be easy. I mean, I had no problems during this one day, so now being home, why should it be any different? Well, it  was different. At least during the time when I still had no work and was not that much distracted and occupied as I had been at the medieval market.

I uninstalled the Facebook and Messenger app on my phone, logged off on the browser version and already after a few hours had the first people asking me if everything was alright – yes sure, I just need a break. It´s not like I am dying or something when I leave Facebook. I just wonder what is going with my friends, if I have new likes on my photo page, if I have any (important?) messages waiting for me (it´s funny how people kept answering to messages in which I told them that they can only reach me on WhatsApp, e-mail and Instagram for 2 weeks), if there is tour news or any other news that I don´t see because of simply not being on there.

It´s an odd feeling. It´s like the world keeps turning but without you as you remain standing still, blindfolded. It´s not like I am super into daily politics and all this crap and negative bullshit, but I am interested in what my friends do, feel, experience, are angry about. Maybe more than they are into mine, as for quite a while noone really (as it felt) gave a flying fck. Hardly any likes or comments or any sort of reactions onto my posts, making me wonder why I am atually then sharing my life at all. Being fed up with the hunt for likes, comments and attention on there, leaving was agood step I guess.

Yet during the first days it left a hole – oh, that´s great, let´s share it on Facebook – no wait, no app. Maybe there is some informat – nope, not logged in xD It´s been funny yet really annoying (and scary) at the same time in how many situations and how much I used to turn to Facebook during a normal and average day. Being “generation social media” it´s hard to say what´s normal and what´s excessive or even ending in addiction – you just seemingly have to be on there to be part of the deal, otherwise you´re left out. Not that I personally would bother or even really feel like this, but that´s just how it rolls.

Week 1 was fully without Facebook – week two I accessed it via desktop computer but not on my phone still, to not get sucked up into this whole madness again- and still no posting at all, and I really struggled to keep up with not posting once I was back on…but I made it…

For me overall it´s been a relief to be off there for a while, to be able to focus on something else (okay, being on Instagram still made me share snapshots but didn´t waste as much time as Facebook usually does), to focus on myself with my problems, my worries, my doubts, my battles, my eating and my sports instead of pushing myself aside by focussing on literally anything but not myself.

But at the same time – I am happy to be back, yet I will enjoy it more…carefully, and less often and intensively…life´s offering too many great things besides the internet 😉

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Photos: Faey @ MPS Cologne (05/06.08.2017) [private do not share]

Most of you have seen the photos already on Facebook for example, and if you like what you see – feel free to LIKE my Facebook-Page!



Posted in Gigs/Konzerte, Photos/Fotos | Leave a comment

Day X+346-350 – Photo madness!

I keep on catching up…or at least trying and giving my best in between all the recent madness in my life 😉

06.08.2017 – Day X+346
Day 2 of the medieval market with good music, and loads of sunshine (followed by a sunburn) and no phone as I forgot it at home, stupid me. It was a great day, though somehow my mood was swining from good to crappy and that annoyed the hell out of me to be honest. And in the evening I had to fight yet another round of migraine…yay, go me!

07.08.2017 – Day X+347
I even don´t wanna write about the annoying trip back home from Cologne to Hamburg – there were bushes burning alongside our railway tracks and we were stuck for nearly an hour in Hamm and…urghs. The train had no proper air condition and was an old and crappy one…bloody hell!

Once home I started transferring the photos onto my computer and did edits of the first shots to have some teasers…I had no idea that it would be so many photos…it´s madness. And I am already now annoyed about all the editing work even though I hardly started, as I just spent most of the day sorting….and I simply have to get them done by starting my new job on 15th…

08.08.2017 – Day X+348
Massive photo editing, and photos, photos and even more photos…probably I will soon start dreaming about editing photos if it doesn´t stop any time soon. But first I took a break and played some cello to clear the mind and focus on something else for a change. But then I was back on the photo editing trip…neverending it seems.

09.08.2017 – Day X+349
What a crappy night I had…I couldn´t fall asleep at all and was up awake until like 3am or something like this and had terrible dreams…woke up frustrated and yet still started editing the photos but quit rather quickly because my neck was hurting from all the staring at the screen and focussing highly. Only positive thing: I booked my train to Dortmund for winter to see Faey, but this time only for watching!

10.08.2017 – Day X+350
A day on which I am a grumpy cat is a bad day, like really. I went to gym and hoped that it would change my mood, but no, it didn´t change a thing – except the fact it added the exhaustion factor on top. I remained grumpy, but still managed to finish off pretty much all of my photos that I needed to edit. Just need to still send them out and then …done. Finally.

Posted in Germany/Deutschland, Gigs/Konzerte, Travelling/Reisen | Leave a comment

Day X+341-345 – Listen to your body…

Now that the painter that is ordered to color my windows has kicked me out of bed at 7.30am, I have time to finally catch up with everyhing. To be honest  I was really fed up with all this writing, staying in touch, being social and communicating, that I simply cut it off. To show you the extend – I even logged out of FB because I needed time to myself…

01.08.2017 – Day X+341
Working out and eating and suffering from working out…I guess this pretty much sums up my day – the food is still my reward, and as my workout ws heavy, my lunch had something special for me: bacon. Oh dear Lord how I love bacon, yet never made it myself somehow and I really don´t know why. BUt it´s been woth it and clearly won´t be the only time that I did it ^^

02.08.2017 – Day X+342
I am still feeling slightly under the weather and and thus no gym for me today, which is pretty frustrating because my head tells me that I´d really need it but…well, gotta listen to my body now. And rest instead and do some tidying and everything, nothing too fancy until the evening that I again spent with my boyfriend again – lazy and cosy!

03.08.2017 – Day X+343
The weather makes me whine – simply because my old scars just hurt with the changing weathers….awful as hell. And so annoying. Getting out of bed then is a challenge, but on my way home I dropped by gym to work out – because otherwise I´d not get anywhere anymore today. Once on the couch, never up again! My muscles are burning and I am totally done – but in a really much better mood than before!

04.08.2017 – Day X+344
Sleepless nights, oh how I love them. Not. I woke up totally done and exhausted as if I had not slept for a single second, and thus couldn´t be bothered to do any workout today – I felt guilty but I think I´d not have had any power for it anymore. Instead finished off packing and prepared my camera for the weekend, so at least I´ve done something useful.

05.08.2017 – Day X+345
Saturday is mostly the day for people to sleep in because it´s weekend…well I got up at 3am, after hardly having slept, and went to the bus at 4am – because my flight from Hamburg to Cologne left early in the morning…the day started okay, but turned messy pretty fast – because when I arrived in Cologne it was raining cats and dogs and then after a nicer breakfast I wanted to get settled and open my suitcase…and the lock blocked.
There was no way to get it open with the saved pin and I totally freaked out – time was running and my camera equipment was in the suitcase…and I needed it for the medieval market…well, in the end we got the suitcase opened…let´s not go into detail, but I was totally stressed out and it got even worse when time ran and I had troubles finding a parking lot…
ah well, in the end the weather got better with the time and I had a great day, loads of fun, loads of photographing, loads of good music…was worth all the hassle – even though in the evening I went home early and grabbed some food, showered and immediately dropped into bed as my head was hurting and I felt dizzy from tiredness.

Posted in Germany/Deutschland, Travelling/Reisen | Leave a comment

Day X+336-340 – Me vs health

27.07.2017 – Day X+336
I woke up with…what felt like zillions of moquito bites. It´s just been 9 bites, swollen and itchy, and getting into my sports tights was awful to put it nicely. But before I went to gym to sweat my ass off, I left church to save money from my tax stuff…I´ve never been religious or believed in what church sells the people, so…no loss there. And now I finally got my ass up to take care of it xD

28.07.2017 – Day X+337
Monday, laundry and house chores day. And issues with some other tenants of this building, but it makes me so angry to even think about it that I don´t wanna write about it. Instead I want to meantion it´s been a nice evening with my boyfriend, relaxed, cozy…

29.07.2017 – Day X+338
Spent the day with my boyfriend´s family, and somehow really didn´t feel well. My circulation was somehow off, I was permanently freezing and then caught a cold due to the always open windows, doors and thus moving air…not so great, But the food was again so amazing, even though it´s needless to say I really need t go and workout tomorrow, no matter what. I feel guilty so badly.

30.07.2017 – Day X+339
I felt like a ball full of creme (like the one of cooking) and really had to go to gym even though the weather with its 27°C and humidity really was a killer – but I kept going and did my share of workout no matter what the weather was. But afterwards I felt stomach sick and dizzy and everything, maybe I should´ve done less…

31.07.2017 – Day X+340
Due to the fact of me being busy during the coming weekend, I went to my boyfriend´s place today in the evening but before had loads of “fun” with my house chores, then checked ikea for a new computer desk 8and had some ice cream, yes, I am a sinner) and then enjoyed a long walk in the sun and through nature…was so amazing. I just enjoy silence and sunshine and nature – perfect combination!

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Cooking: Medaillon of pork in a sherry-cream-sauce with lye dumplings and roasted onion

Cooking book: Lust auf Kochen: Kreative Rezepte für jeden Tag
Publisher: Kochhaus

Estimated time:  45 min
Actual time:  85 min

Difficulty: 4/10
Amount: For 2 people
Price per person: ~6€

Sound massive and made for autum or winter? Yep, totally cirrect – and that´s really the case. Unless you have a rainy summer like we do 😉

Joking aside, it´s been quite a while since I last mad dumplings myself, so I was really worried it might be difficult or might turn out not the way we want it – in the end it turned out really well, though we should´ve cut the bread rolls into smaller pieces. The meat preparation was also not too difficult, but as I am not a fan of meat prep, I am glad that my boyfriend took over 😉

The cripsy onions were easy, and I was really skeptical about the sherry in the sauce but  gooosh, that tasted so freaking amazing, really. That sauce was probably my highlight to be fully monest – and in combination with the rest it was just more than foodporn. Really gonna repeat that!

Posted in Food / Essen | Leave a comment

Day X+331-335 – It´s not always dark

22.07.2017 – Day X+331
Just came home and …well, figured out that Apocalyptica are playing at Deichbrand fetsival tomorrow and immediately my head started spinning and everything – asking around, planning, checking rental cars and and and…it´s been stressful, emotional, full of ups and downs but…i think I am going to Deichbrand tomorrow o.O

23.07.2017 – Day X+332
Deichbrand festival – a long day, and one with every possible weather and pure madness. But as you might´ve read already, it´s been a great day and sooo worth everything!

24.07.2017 – Day X+333
I´ve been watching the stream from yesterday, and it was funny to spot me here and there, so yes, I got my seconds of fame – unfortunately but no surprise if I was standing frontrow and have been headbanging. But at least my neck wasn´t doing that bad as it usually was. But nevertheless I was rather tired, and all I did was rest and blog…

25.07.2017 – Day X+334
After resting, it´s been time for going to work out again – I wasn´t exactly motivated but I kept going anyways, and I felt better afterwards even though Deichbrand somehow made me still lack proper energy. Buuut: the most important thing is, that I got a job offer. I can work again. Middle of August. I cannot wait! In the evening it´s time for an evening with my boyfriend…. 😀

26.07.2017 – Day X+335
Spent the day with my boyfriend in Lübeck – sunshine, warm weather, loads of walking and diving a bit into how he lived back during this studies. It´s always great to get out of town and to do this with my boyfriend, and even better when you learn something about your partner…but afterwards I was dead tired, really.

Posted in Germany/Deutschland | Leave a comment