In my dreams. At least once a week, I have this dream of walking alongside the North Sea and without reason walking into the water and being dragged out into the sea and end up drowning.
I now the path I am walking, I know the shore, I know the sea. I know the surroundings. Because I have walked the path a view times, it´s in the town I will be living in from November on. Where my home is gonna be. A city full of positiv experiences only (so far), no reason for such negativity. And still, these dreams are there. And every time I wake up sweated, panicking. Unable to breathe.
No, I am not always strong and even though I might sound determined that moving to Wilhelmshaven and starting a new job is the right thing to do, it´s still a risk. A massive financial risk – new and more expensive apartment, I need to pay moving there, get some new furniture, I will buy a car to commute better to work. And what happens if it all goes wrong? What if I don´t pass the trial phase (luckily only 3 months instead of the normal 6 months) for whatever reasons? Finding a job around there wasn´t really easy, and if you´re not into marine stuff you already struggle.
but not only those fears probably cause these dreams – probably already planning the whole moving over there simply stresses me out. No, cross the “probably”. It does stress me out becaus it seems like you get one thing done, and twice as many new tasks pop up due to this one complete tasks. Working fulltime, have hobbies and still needing to find power and determination for those moving tasks is tough. Let´s not even talk about the search for a car. The high sum of money I need to invest into it, it´s crazy. It scares the hell out of me.
Also I feel guilty about leaving my current company – I have so amazing colleagues, I have an amazing supervisor and amazing bosses that always stood behind me. I always had the support, I can always be open to her, also about my depression, anxiety and what not. I always had the feeling they were supportive. And leaving something valuable like this behind is scary as shit and makes me feel bad – because I feel like I cannot give back to them what they gave me. Much trust, and much help.
But sometimes you gotta listen to your heart and your body, too. My mind clearly told me that the buzzing life in a big city might not be, what my mind and heart needs. That Hamburg is too big for me, that nothing keeps me here- many great memories, but also many not so great times. Time to start from new. To make things differently to how I did them here in Hamburg.
So yeah, I might seem all positive on the outside, but well hidden I am freaking out about everything, it makes me fragile, depressed, and instable. I try desperately to balance it out, but it gets tougher every week.