I´m drowning

In my dreams. At least once a week, I have this dream of walking alongside the North Sea and without reason walking into the water and being dragged out into the sea and end up drowning.

I now the path I am walking, I know the shore, I know the sea. I know the surroundings. Because I have walked the path a view times, it´s in the town I will be living in from November on. Where my home is gonna be. A city full of positiv experiences only (so far), no reason for such negativity. And still, these dreams are there. And every time I wake up sweated, panicking. Unable to breathe.

No, I am not always strong and even though I might sound determined that moving to Wilhelmshaven and starting a new job is the right thing to do, it´s still a risk. A massive financial risk – new and more expensive apartment, I need to pay moving there, get some new furniture, I will buy a car to commute better to work. And what happens if it all goes wrong? What if I don´t pass the trial phase (luckily only 3 months instead of the normal 6 months) for whatever reasons? Finding a job around there wasn´t really easy, and if you´re not into marine stuff you already struggle.

but not only those fears probably cause these dreams – probably already planning the whole moving over there simply stresses me out. No, cross the “probably”. It does stress me out becaus it seems like you get one thing done, and twice as many new tasks pop up due to this one complete tasks. Working fulltime, have hobbies and still needing to find power and determination for those moving tasks is tough. Let´s not even talk about the search for a car. The high sum of money I need to invest into it, it´s crazy. It scares the hell out of me.

Also I feel guilty about leaving my current company – I have so amazing colleagues, I have an amazing supervisor and amazing bosses that always stood behind me. I always had the support, I can always be open to her, also about my depression, anxiety and what not. I always had the feeling they were supportive. And leaving something valuable like this behind is scary as shit and makes me feel bad – because I feel like I cannot give back to them what they gave me. Much trust, and much help.

But sometimes you gotta listen to your heart and your body, too. My mind clearly told me that the buzzing life in a big city might not be, what my mind and heart needs. That Hamburg is too big for me, that nothing keeps me here- many great memories, but also many not so great times. Time to start from new. To make things differently to how I did them here in Hamburg.

So yeah, I might seem all positive on the outside, but well hidden I am freaking out about everything, it makes me fragile, depressed, and instable. I try desperately to balance it out, but it gets tougher every week.

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Sports: KW31 & KW32

Those two weeks were…well, they could have better but also worse.

At first it started off nicely, but it was still a struggle to really get me motivated to do any sports in the breaks between headaches, migraines, dizziness attacks and feeling stomach sick.

The never-ending summer is bugging my body, not only through the heat but also because I cannot do any sports. My body more and more got stiff and back and neck also got stiff, which led to more headaches and migraines and stuff like this.

Devil´s circle…really.

KW 31 (30.07.-05.08.2018)

  • 31.07.2018 – Running (5,57km, 39:52min)
    Stupid idea to go for a run even though it´s still been everything but cool…I started with the hope it´s gonna go well, but on km 3 my body went on full hiatus and I even had to throw up and then decided that I will not be doing sports anymore if it´s hotter than 24°C unless I felt really good during daytime.
  • 04.08.2018 – Indoor biking (66min)
    It was rather cool (well, cooler than usual) in the late morning so I decided to simply go to gym and do some light biking, to at least be doing something after having been knocked out so badly by migraine the days before. And it was good, the light moving and taking all the time I wanted for the distance I had planned got me back into moving mood.
  • 05.08. – Running (11km, 1:17h)
    My first longer run since my half marathon a month ago. I had planned to do relayed 6km because it was cool enough to go and workout outside, and it ended up with 11km on the watch because I didn´t want to turn around halfway on my way to Öjendorfer See. It wasn´t the fastest run, but it felt good and here and there I also got back to my flow I had before my half marathon Baby steps. But they´re also steps.

KW 32 (06.08.-12.08.2018)

Well, it´s been in the best case been some stretching for most of the time – it´s been too hot, I didn´t feel well at all and was stuck between migraine, dizziness and just not being able to really workout or go for runs.

  • 11.08. – Running (5.42km, 36min)
    After my back problems and my pinched nerve it was a really slow and laid back run, but it felt like I was maybe more and more getting back into my flow again, though it´s a long way still to get back to my old shape.

What´s up?


Yes, it´s been quiet on here for several reasons – the heat really killed me and made my life pretty boring hahaha

A lot has happened though in the meantime – I have found an apartment in Wilhelmshaven. I´ve been there with my dad and checked it out and then also spent the rest of the day with him at the beach.

But let´s talk about the apartment – 3,5 rooms, around 80m2 of space. It´s really close to the centre but still in a rather quiet area and house. And I finally have a balcony! It has a guest room, my bed room, a room for my sewing and computer and making music, a separate toilet for guests and a bathroom, an open kitchen and a living room. Aaand it´s an old building, with high ceilings…so amazing.

And I fellt right in love with it, and I was so worried that I might not get it. And yes, I have had to compromise. The apartment will be free from September 1st on and I wanted to rent it from November 1st on…well, in the end, the lease will now be starting on October 1st. Makes me pay two rents for two months, but with a great family in my back, everything´s just doable!


So now I just need to send in the contract, check for gas and power companies where to get a contract with and all of the other zillions of things I gotta do. The list seems to not get any shorter but no can do. It was my choice.

Besides this…? Sports, well no, hardly happened. My body is more and more acting up and I don´t know why it´s happening. maybe because of the lack of sports I am getting siffer at the moment or it´s just because I am unfit in general now. Right now fighting some back pain, and I hope I will be fit to do all the runs that I have planned and also signed up for. A lot is in the pipeline!

Anything else? Hm. Good question. Buying some concert tickets for next year, trying to save money at the same time so that I have a nice back up for moving and yeah…not really going out much besides office and sports. And still sewing on my medieval dress for the medieval market in September – it´s coming close to the finish line, finally!

Heat heat heat

…and nothing else. And this is something where I really want to have a talk about – sports and healthy life in general when it´s hot. Because I am seeing so many people struggle – including myself – and forcing themselves to do things that are everything but healthy at all.

No surprise at all, that you gotta feel shitty then. And there is no reason to feel guilty when you just cannot cope with these temperatures.

Because I am one of those people. Me vs heat – you can always be sure that heat is winning. And it actually has won, as my body clearly told me.

For the past twi weeks I´ve been really struggling even with basic things because all I felt was dizzy, nauseous and my headache felt so happy with me that it never left. 24-7. All of the three things all together.

And still – I kept pushing myself to be active – to rather walk than take the bus, no matter how hot it was, and also went to gym and did my runs. Even though that I had planned to step up my running to 10km already and not be stuck with 5km. But I thought: it´s okay, I can work on getting back to my speed that I had before the half marathon. And so I pushed myself. Again and again.

During gymtime I already here and there noticed that I was off and that I needed to take it more easy – just to have forgotten and ignored it by the next workout time had been coming. No matter how dizzy I felt, I just kept going.

Which resulted once in halfway passing out at gym and throwing up during one of my runs – and that was the point where I knew that I had to take a couple of steps back. And dropped all workouts if the temperature is over 25°C. It sucks, it´s frustrating – especially since I wanna get back onto the weightloss train and I need not only to switch my eating, but also do my cardio and weights.

So now I am back to only changing my eating – but it´s a good time for that, since heavy food with loads of carbs isn´t really my cp of tea anyways when it´s so hot. So a lot of veggies, a bit of meat and fish and no potato, rice, pasta…only a bit of bread here and there but that´s it. Yes, I know other foods also have a lot of carbs – but I also am cutting down on those.

And eating light and not too big meals is really important during those temperatures – rather eat more often and little portions. It helps – needs some change in the mind but does wonders to the body. Same goes for drinking – currently drinking up to 4l a day and only water or cold tea. And before you say it´s too much – over 30°C, doctors even suggest to drink up to 5 or 6 litres of water. So I am doing well with this.

But anyways, I didn´t listen to my body early enough and so I was totally knocked out on Thursday and Friday. I passed out on my way to the bathroom at night, and then had migraine attacks followed by “just” heavy headaches. I had to stay in bed and on the couch and was full of migraine pills and painkillers, alongside with cooling packs on neck and legs.

It got better, yes. but it was a first “well fuck you if you don´t listen to me” from my body – and I learned my lesson.

So, watch out what you do to your body when the temperature is high – it all sums up and your body is gonna pay you back for every little bit…

Sports: KW29 & KW30

So now that my half marathon is done and I am back to normal workouts, I decided on reporting my doings every two weeks because it would be terribly boring for you if I did that each and every week – because three rather average workouts wouldn´t really bring out anything for you to read.

Once I will start with more diverse training again – running more or switching to maybe a triathlon like training plan, I might go back to weekly reports. But let´s see how the heat continues, only then I can tell you what will happen next,

Because plans are there to be ditched as everything always goes differently than planned anyways.

 

KW 29 (16.07.-22.07.2018)

  • 17.07. Gym with biking (50min), streching (15min), weights (16min)
    Laid back start after my break and sepsis…and it felt so good! It really did put a smile on my face though there is a long way to get back to where I was before…
  • 19.07. Running (5.47km – 35:54min)
    First run after my sepsis and my forced break from anything that included sports – I really feel how I was still lacking the strength in my body and how I was still weak, and the weather didn´t make it any better. I even was taking off my shirt and just ran in my sportsbra after a while – and that even though I am totally not body confident at all…
  • 21.07. Running (5.9km – 38:28min)
    I am simply not getting back into the running flow that I was in before my half marathon and the running break right after. It was okay, but it´s like every step is a challenge and my legs and my mind still seem to be tired.  It´s getting better with baby steps, but it´s a game of patience…

KW 30 (23.07.-29.07.2018)

  • 23.07. Gym with biking (65min), stretching (10min)
    I felt really good with biking, but after after that I started feeling off and then during stretching it got worse, so I wanted to cool down and go to the locker room and then my circulation simply said no. I was totally dizzy and ended my workout immediately.
  • 25.07. Running (5.07km – 35:04min)
    Running after the rain…it would have been cooler on many levels if I had gone running during the rain but I wasn´t home quick enough. But at least it felt refreshing until the heat more and more returned and then it was totally humid and…terrible weather to run in.
  • 28.07. Tough Mudder 5km (45min)
    It was hot, and that already early – but it was fun, dusty and the obstacles were nice. Just it was too hot and I felt kinda liked a grilled chicken afterwards.
  • 29.07. Gym with cross trainer (50min), stretching (12min), weights (30min)
    It was surprisingly nice air at gym and the workout really felt good – the cross trainer time was really exhausting and cost me a lot of sweat and drinking, but was worth it. But I really gotta  work on the weights – my arms and shoulders need more and more love!

Nyckelharpa – July 2018

So, I had around less than three weeks in July because I was on vacation in the first week of July.

And generally, I am somehow not really pleased with the progress – simply because it sucks that whenever I press the “record”-button o record the progress, I fuck it all up. It´s terrible. It can have worked a zillion of times before, but once the camera is rolling, it sounds…like I am a 100% noob and just a 99% noob.

But generally – I know I´ve been making progress, the high notes feel at least better though they still need to sound better, but I guess that´s really a bowing issue that I need to continue working on. The bowing is THE issue still, still trying to figure it out how to fully use it and how to tilt it and everything.

Long way to the top and practice just makes perfect – and with the heat and sweat therefore, practice wasn´t my best friend. No need to deny that – it´s obvious unfortunately. But now I am really fully back with it, and with a schedule arranging sports and music, it will get better. I promise.

And don´t be surprised – August will be the month where I will start working more and more on…Christmas songs! So I will be ready once Christmas will come, as always, very suddenly.

Oh and: nevermind my facial circus whilst playing ;))


Friarvisan (July version / month 3)

Still not happy with it, and I know the recording isn´t too amazing – but I was just fed up recording it again and again. It´s that pehomena of the “record” button – once pressed, I feel insecure again. Though it worked many times before just perfectly well…

Usually I am playing this as my start into the practice, because it´s the tune I know best so my fingers get a bit warm and I feel good with everything. Usually that works, sometimes it doesn´t when everything goes wrong already with this so well known song.


Ode to Joy (July version / month 2)

I still don´t like playing it, somehow it cannot stick to my mind. But it´s gettng better, baby steps. The switch from A to D string works better and better, and I more and more feel safe with it. Though playing faster and doing it still feels a bit like playing russion roulette to be honest.

And somehow, opposite to Friarvisan, I alread got sick and tired of the tune itself. I cannot hear it anymore, it´s been enough. but not until it sounds really good and I can playing it a couple of times one afte rthe other without mistakes and without hesitation and without insecurities.


En avant blonde (July version / Month 1)

Ultimate battle. I didn´t like it during the course already, and I mean playing, not how it sounds. I don´t know why I struggle so hard with that, because it´s not too difficult I would say. Part 2 will be more difficult than the first part that you´re hearing here. But atm it still sounds too terrible to present it to anyone.

I sort of kept postponing the start of practice for this one again and again so basically I played this for maybe…a week or so, so don´t be surprised if it still sounds like a hafbuilt house looks like…

August will hopefully bring more motivation to play it and to also play it all together…
let´s see…

Run: Tough Mudder 5k Hamburg (28.07.2018)

Before the run!

Tough Mudder  – first association is water, mud and being totally all muddy and done afterwards. And then the “City version” came – for those that are seemingly afraid of water and/or mud. City lifestyle meets Tough Mudder, and then it´s the 5km version.

5km, 10 obstacles (that are easier than the big original ones). The rest stays the same – noone is left behind, and it´s not about time but also about the fun and simply getting through.

I started alone again – I know I always find people, so, all good. And since I arrived earlier, I also started earlier than I actually had my starting time. It was already hot outside and the sun was burning, so no chance for me to still wait.

The warmup was okay, I was already sweated then but at least my muscles were okish warmed up. My feet though were not up for it. Why? They were used to my normal running shoes with the special inlays, and here I was with my old running shoes without proper inlays, so my ankled hurts. And the heat was not made for running, but I gave my best.

It started with the “Giant A-Hole” – climb up and over and down again with a net. And to be honest, I simply love such obstacles. Easy and fun, I could do that again and again. The little child in me awakens every time.

It continues after a few metres with “Hangover” – a row of wooden walls that are not straight but bent towards you. Second try and with some struggles I made it. I really gotta work on my jumping power and generally also my arms and shoulders…noticed that once again.

Then it continues with running. And more running. Through the stables, part 1. Here and there and anoter round …jeeez. It was anoying, sorry folks. But you cannot impress me with that at all.

The “Get low”, where you had to crawl underneath a “cage” like net with barbwirse on top was funny. Why? Because the barbwire didn´t even get any close to you body. At least it didn´t for me though I didn´t even get down that much.

After the run

Then some more running and “Schubkarre” with a team partner – skipped that because everyone around had their mates and I wasn´t keen on waiting in the bloody heat.  And then came…running. A lot of running. An no obstacles. Here around and there around and around this corner and heeey, surprise, still no obstacle around the next corner. Other OCR companies clearly do it better.

Carrying a mate in “Clean and Jerk” was okay, quick and easy, and better than needing to run past the pond – instead of swimming through it. And before you ask – yes, you can easily swim through there, I did that last year with Muddy Angel. And wth these temperatures, a swim there would be amazing. But nope.

Instead it continued with even more running and running and running. I really don´t understad why they did not spread out the obstacles more. It would´ve been far more fun and would´ve been far better. Crawling under a net that others had to hold tight with “Beifang” was nice, no real obstacle though. But better than plain running.

“Berlin Walls”…or: how to twust your knees after the first of the walls. So I skipped the second, didn´t feel like risking anything. Still annoyed the hell out of me to be honest.

“Hangout” was a total fail for me – I´m no good monkey at all, so getting from one ring to the other generally is tough for me, but then the rings were so high that I had to already jump up quite a bit to even grab the first one…didn´t get far, but that was no surprise. Grip strength? Nope.

A few wlittle bruises

Then it was a small version of “Everest” – I loved it. You had good grip on there, and it was easy to get up there. And fun. Would´ve loved to do it again and again hahaha

Whilst during the Tough Mudder Half I injured myself at the “Pyramid Scheme”, here it was a little version of it and rather easy to get up on top.

And then a last little sprint into the finish and you were done after around 45minutes and a lot of sweat, dust and…no mud!

Tough DUSTer would probably be the more appropriate name for it and I really hope they add water and mud for next year´s version if there is gonna be one. If they add water obstacles, I might be in again. Otherwise: I am not sure.

Wind of change

Es ist Zeit
Zeit, aufzuwachen
Zeit, die Augen aufzumachen
Zeit, ich nehm‘ mein Herz, ich nehm‘ mein Herz in meine Hand
Ja es ist Zeit
Zeit, aufzustehen
Zeit, ein‘ and’ren Weg zu gehen
Zeit, ich nehm‘ mein Herz und werfe es zum Horizont
Und schreie: Flieg!
[“Herz durch die Wand” – Versengold]

These lyrics (sorry, I won´t translate them) by Versengold probably describe quite well what this first part of the announcement is about…

Because: it´s about CHANGE! Yes, my life has always been crazy, and probably will continue to be like that.

So yeah, changes: NEW JOB from December on! I will be leaving my current Junior Project Manager role at a digital agency here in Hamburg and will join the E-commerce team of a fashion brand, and work there as a project manager again. So job wise I will go more technical again, from agency to “normal” company.

If it´s the right decision, I will see – I don´t know and leaving amazing people behind won´t be easy, but I gotta listen to my heart!

But that´s not all. Yet.

Ade, mein Lieb, ade mein tröstend Schoß. Mich rief die See, grausam und gnadenlos.
Mein Lieb, o weh! Auf in den Wind.
Mein Lieb, ade, aus deinen Armen, rief mich die See und ich deinen Namen.
Mein Lieb, o weh! Auf in den Wind!
[“Auf in den Wind” – Versengold]

And with this new job, comes another change. After 4,5 years I will be leaving Hamburg, the city that has been a great home to me for all those years. But it´s become too big for me, and it´s time to leave. Time for a NEW CITY.

And because of my job I had the choice between two cities – either Oldenburg or Wilhelmshaven, as my work place is located right in the middle of those two in a smaller town (no, not planning on moving there). But as I fell in love with Wilhelmshaven right when I was there in spring, and because it has the sea, I will be moving to Wilhelmshaven. My heart decided that.

I have never been anyone who is too tied to a certain place, because good friendships surive that, and everything else that doesn´t survive it – well, no can do. And I am so looing forward to a new view, a new place, new things to discover…

3 weeks after my half-marathon

So it´s been now three weeks that I ran my very first half-marathon. And now that my mind finally got over the fact that I really did it, it´s time to craft new plans.

For the rest of the year 2018, I am planning to do at least 5-10 more runs – from 5km up to 15km or something around this. But no half-marathon anymore as it looks like, simply because the possible half marathons are limited and either totally not attractive or taking place on the wrong day. It´s kinda annoying, but I cannot change it.

Why I keep doing the races? Simpl because only then I keep kicking my own ass, otherwise I will become lazy when not having goals anymore

This is what´s in my head for still this year:

July

  • Tough Mudder, 5km

August

  • Nacht der Zehner, 10km
  • Heldenlauf, 11km

September

  • Muddy Angel, 5km
  • Lichterlauf, 13km

October

  • Köhlbrandbrückenlauf, 12,3km

And next year? So what´s coming up next year, 2019?

One thing is for sure – I will we running again at the Hella Halbmarathon because I really liked the vibes at this year´s half-marathon.

But besides this half-marathon and maybe in Bremen or Oldenburg another one, let´s see what fits best for me – I will probably know that in next spring.

And then…the biggest new thing: I wanna go and try to do triathlon. Just the sprint distance, but still. I wanna get a glimpse if it´s for me or if it isn´t. For the start with the sprint it´ll be 500m swimming, 20km biking and 5km of running. The swimming will probably the worst part for me, I am just not in for it anymore. But maybe it´ll also change, just as I hated runnng and now cannot imagine a life without.

But let´s see – I still need a bike and proper swimming stuff, so that´s something I gotta get first before I will start training in winter- and then let´s see how it will go. I already found some training plans for a first triathlon, so at least that´s settled.

Weightloss? Body change?

Weightloss? What is that? Can I eat that? Body change? Mirror, hello?

The answer is “If you eat it, it won´t happen”. Let´s be honest, during my half-marathon training I wasn´t focussing on weightloss, rather on building up the strength that I needed for my 4 times a week sports time. I was able to eat a lot, because I burned a lot of calories – and now I don´t anymore.

So even during my half-marathon training, I gained a bit of weight, but I felt very good with it because it didn´t feel like it was unnecessary weight, but rather one that fueled me. But now that I am down to working out 3 times a week and far less than before, I struggle – with eating. Because I cannot eat like I used to eat during the past 9 months anymore, I need to cut down and everything feels extra difficult.

But even when sticking to my counting calories plan, and am in negative calorie intake, my weight currently doesn´t drop at all. It rather went up again, and a bit more up again and I really have no idea. No extra sugar intake, nothing. I drink like I always do, I think. No idea what is going on.

But one thing is for sure – that I wanna be sub 70kg at the end of the year. Makes 5 months to still lose 6kg and quite frankly, I have no idea at all how to really get this going. Especially not if it continues like it´s been like in July.

If I at least would see proper changes to my body it would be upcheering – but nothing. Especially my belly area needs a lot of work, because it feels like everything around my belly is changing but that shit area doesn´t change at all and remains the same wobbly part of my body.  I work on so many parts of my body, but I really don´t see changes, or maybe I am just too blind because I see my body every damn day.

So many things that I gotta work on and get going again…and maybe find new ways to stimulate my muscles and get my body cooperate more with me again. Let´s see how it will go, maybe with all the coming busy times I will forget eating and then lose weight hahaha