What shall I say – I had booked myself into this play time this week and two more next week, and I really wanted to get the choreography going and make it work for the performance night next week on Saturday.
And then it kinda came different, or well, I had to make a decision that broke my heart but probably is the only way to go for me:
I will not be part of the performance night.
You might wonder why – during the past weeks I struggled a lot, with the power in my arms and hands but also to remember the choreography and the quick moves and everything. The latter would not be of any problem if I had the motivation to practice over and over again.
During this practice time nothing really worked, and I was slipping down the pole with my hands, no matter what I took to get some more grip. My hands and arms have become more and more weak and unstable and somehow I couldn´t get it right and could not focus and…I don´t know why this is all happening, but as it is happening and my body seemingly does not work as he should, it is the best for my body and mind to rest instead of pushing myself over my limits and probably making things worse.
I am frustrated and upset that I worked for 8 weeks and am now unable to really show anyone this choreography, show what I have worked for. And even though the motto of the performance night is to show what you´re working on and not what you can do perfectly well, I am a perfectionist and if I cannot at least give a 100%, I will not do it. Being like this comes with a lot of downsides, but at least it keeps me from being someone to laugh about because I´d give up after the first half of the choreography or whatsoever.
I can only wait until the next time table (as I am struck down sick this weekend, no Pole Lesson no. 7 for me either, just next week again) and hope my mind and body can regain strength and I can go back to how well I had been before. Let´s see what happens – I only hope I will be less frustrated during the technique time table, without the pressure of a certain date where a choreography needs to be working well.