That spark of hope & the back of the mind

If you are not into really personal posts, then please do not read any further than this sentence – because you will not be able to appreciate the post that follows underneath these introduction lines.

Life doesn´t always just bring happiness, and sometimes you can just watch “things” (aka lives) end. I don´t know if you have experienced this, this helpless feeling of sitting there and wondering, if the disease comes back or not. And then you get to know this loved person is back into the treatment, back into all the misery that I believed the person would be out of. But there´s diseases (let´s call this bitch by its name: cancer) that are cruel and sneaky bastards, luring people into feeling rather safe and then it comes back with waving flags.

And then you sit there, and wait. And think. And worry. And doubt. And last but not least and that´s probably the most important thing: you try not to lose hope. As you always say, hope dies last. You hope and then you see things going uphill, and you think it made sense to believe in it because you see this (no matter how tiny) improvement, you think it´s the time again to beat this bastard cancer. And then within the glimpse of an eye, this house of cards which you thought was stable, is back into pieces again. And then you have this whole process over and over again, and you need to face the fact that it becomes more of a matter of how to prolongue a life instead of how to save it.

No, it is not easy to accept this, and in this case I have never fully accepeted it, it was like…I pushed it away, this thought. Because you know, hope dies last. And in the back of the mind, some irrational hope was waiting for a miracle to happen. Because miracles are miracles and they happen. Sometimes. So why not in this case? Why would this case drop out of this and there could be no miracles? And whilst you still somehow hope for a miracle, you sit there and watch – watch how a person more and more becomes a different person compared to how you knew this person. And compared to what and who this person was. Mentally. Physically. You hear all the updates via phone and message, and you wonder if it was too late but then in the back of the mind, this hope tells you to shut up. Tells you not to think these thoughts and somehow you just somehow close your eyes from it.

And then there is the moment where you cannot close your eyes anymore – and still there is this shitty silent voice in the back of my mind, whispering that there was still hope. Mind, you´re a fucked up liar. Maybe it is the way how one keeps onself sane, until the very last moment. And even when you´re at a point where you know it would be best for the loved person that it is over – there is a voice in the back of the mind, that still tries to lure me into hoping…hoping for…what? I don´t know.

And then one morning you are being confronted with something that´s final. No matter how long you´ve expected this to happen and no matter how “prepared” you should have been – it´s a different thing. It´s still a shock because it is there, it is real. It is not just a thought about what is to come anymore. Reality, harsh and you cannot cover up with hope anymore. Being confronted with death – hope dies last. And it partially does with the death of this loved person. Not fully – because at least I hope the person´s gonna have a good time wherever the person is roaming.

And once hope is gone, there is space for so much other feelings and thoughts – so much pain, frustration and hate. It´s a cocktail of everything, and to be honest – right now I don´t even know what to feel. Too many thoughts, too many feelings – where onc ehopes had its place.

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