Actually, it should be called “X-1” and should have been at least partially been published yesterday. Anyways, let´s start from scratch here.
Those who know for whom I am working, probably has come across the zillions of online articles and reports and what not that popped up since last Thursday, announcing the company dismissing a huge bunch of their employees. Those, that are not lucky enough to be valued as key employee (yes, it did hurt to know they think I don´t even matter) then were thrown into the whole social principle stuff and based on age, kids and partner to take care of, how long you wer at the company and grade of disability, were ranked.
Let´s face it, it was rather obvious from the start – 26 years old, 2.5 years with the company, no kids and partner to take care of (my partner takes care of himself, no help needed there) and no disabilities (my craziness about music doesn´t count as one, unfortunately).
So yeah. It´s unfortunate and…I was still hoping. Somehow. That bitch of a spark of hope, luring in the back of the mind and always just popping up in the light once yo were so close to just accepting that it´s a damned matter of a whole week to know for sure that I am dismissed. I had hopes, yes. Like little kids believe in Santa, or the easter bunny. I think that´s also how realistic it had been in the end.
So yesterday, in an un-nice situation, I figured out myself that I was dismissed, having my replacement come by the office space of the project managers. And then a few minutes later on I also got the official information, but there it´s been already too late. I mean, it didn´t come as a shock, and the tears running down my face were just like a bubble of little hope bursting, mixed with relief of finally knowing what the status is and what my future brings. After days or rather nights without proper sleep, I had hope again – at least for proper sleep.
But looking at my team and all the people who supported me with knowledge (technical, project management wise and and and) and really had made my stay in this team an amazing experience – it´s even so hard to write this because it feels like someone grabbed my heart and ripped it out of where it belongs. I love these guys, and right now I cannot even imagine not going back to the office anymore (I returned my keycard already), not coming to the office and checking with them what the status of features is and and and…
Since last Thursday, I´ve gone through so many stages of feelings and thoughts…starting from desperation, turning into (blind) hate, frustration, giving up, catching hope again, trying to not feel anything…right now I am in the phase of “I am home and I can put down the mask that I kept wearing, trying to ensure people think I am okay though I am not.”. Because I am not okay. I am heartbroken and my anxiety about my future is back. Bigger than ever before. I battle it, but it´s a tough battle to be honest, because …it is all so surreal that this really happened. That it hit me…on a safe and money bringing project…that I gotta leave behind a job I love, where I felt like being able to be myself…
And when saying goodbye to everyone in the office today, having the full team together (shit I am crying again) and getting my goodbye card (front of it is used as a header image for this entry), it was just so so soooo hard to not start crying again. When I got out of the office, I was relieved. Running out of power here, even writing this just…I don´t know. Hurts.