Day X+1 – What do I do with my time?

After a good night of sleep (man how I had missed to be able to sleep properly and without nightmares), I woke up with one of the possibly oddest thoughts possible: I was pissed about the fact they had dismissed me now, and not after the Oktoberfest party that I had been looking forward to a lot. Random, isn´t it?

And my day kinda continued random – or well, not really. Rather something that hurt me. Did it really hurt me or just piss me off? Not sure. Anyways, in a presentation at work, talking also about who left the project, my colleague and me were simply forgotten. Thanks guys, you took the extra mile to show me once more that I was no key employee. Okay, it did hurt. And I was angry. And I would´ve loved to go to the office, and be like “oh I heard that I am not dismissed as it seems? Fine, I am back then”. Hilarious, I know.

Didn´t do it and instead grabbed my camera and went for a walk, trying to make myself feel less useless and unneeded. At least for the duration of the walk I was able to focus on the beautiful nature I had around me, but once I was back in my apartment the nasty dark thoughts kicked in. Again. And again. Which kinda made me work on my CV already now, even though I had promised myself and everyone else to first clear the mind over the weekend at least before I am starting with the search. And now I spent quite some time on working on my CV, browsing jobs, and and and.

Do I feel better now? No. Even worse. Why? Because I feel like I am stuck in a forest, not even knowing where the fuck to go. So hopefully after the weekend I will be able to just “work down” on a list I will have made by then, with jobs where I want to apply – let´s see if I get there. Many LinkedIn requests to be answered, trying to keep up with everything and everyone and sending out CVs. Much to do, but to be fully fair – I am lacking the will, thoughtfulness and power to actually really start doing this all. But my mind is going insane otherwise…

Now I am soon doing some more workout, because otherwise I am not losing weight but instead turning fat again, lacking the walking and everything that I usually had during the week days…

P.S. Yes, the blog is kind of a therapy for me – to kinda tell about my feelings and everything, because I have the fear I will simply not be willing to really talk about my worries and thoughts and instead eat it all up and cope with it myself…



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