Day X+2 – Sick (of it all)


I woke up totally irritated and confused, and totally stressed out. I got no idea what I dreamt that it has such an effect on me, and maybe it is better that way that I cannot recall the dream(s). All I know is that also my body is rather on hiatus, I feel stomach sick and somehow just weak.

Have I stressed myself too much yesterday? Having created a “to do”-list for every day surely put me under pressure. Out of fear, to be that clichee “unemployed” that sleeps and hangs in front of the TV and besides does nothing else. This is why I have this plan. But maybe I should be just turning off my mind and give my body the chance to relax? I know the answer is “yes”, but I am not sure how to do that, because my anxiety keeps pushing me and pushing me. I cannot relax somehow. I feel like I am back in my hamster wheel again.

And I forced myself at least partially to get out of this hamster wheel – I played Sims 4 for quite a while before actually doing some more necessary stuff. And right now I have just come back from a 6km walk from Tonndorf to Rahlstedt. Actually…I hadn´t even planned to be walking that far, but since my shoes are so comfy, the kilometers passed by really quickly and before I noticed I was at the train stop in Rahlstedt, thinking “fuck, now need to walk this all back aswell”…it was quite fresh temperature wise, and I was clearly not dressed appropriately when walking slowly so…

1 hour and 15 minutes, 6km…quite  a nice time. Especially because I hardly saw any humans. Which made the walk even better because it is always easier to clear the mind when noone else is around. Okay, except that cat that followed me for quite a while on my way back. Was I smelling? I hope not.

But yeah, now I am happy to be back in the warmth and back on the couch – and sit here with a cleared mind. I hope, at least for a while…because only then my stomach and rest of the body can recover and slow down.

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