Always on Sunday (5)


To be honest, I can hardly remember anything what happened besides all of this dismissal drama that happened at my company and that also affected me. I mean, still it was no surprise that it hit me, but yet it hurts. I could go on with ranting for probably hours and several pages, but I am simply not having the power to do so. Additionally, I am still fighting a cold that emerged from the lovely “walking in the rain” in Berlin, which my health really did not appreciate – and I should be resting, but my anxiety pushes me to be active and active and active.

// Seen // Fellow employees being all shaken up from being dismissed as they did not have the slightest clue before Thursday came and they were ordered into a meeting room. I have seen people desperate because they need to leave Germany as their visa is connected to a certain company´s employment…I´ve seen lots of sad faces. Including mine.

// Listened to // Bullet for my Valentine with “Tears don´t fall” as acoustic version. I still remember the times when this track was all new and I listened to the acoustic version…and somehow at times I wish myself back to those times, when all I had to take care of was school…

// Done // Packed up my stuff at the office and took it all home – it looked like a homeless was dragging all of the belongings around, with all those plastic bags and such…but well. No can do. Also I cancelled my boat driving lessons, my pole dancing lessons and whatever I was able to cancel. Just one thing I clearly will not cancel: my Apocalyptica trip in November. I´d rather not eat for a freakin week than cancel anything of that.

// Eaten // I tried to eat healthy but chocolate here and a bit of  ice cream there…but I did a good job, really. Mostly also with carbs, but mostly a loooot of veggies and then fish or meat. I really gotta dig deeper when it comes to recipes and such because I start to get tired of my meals…

// Thought // Fears. Doubts. Worries. Hate. Pretty much all dark things that you could think about I probably came across…It´s like there is this dark cloud stuck over my head and doesn´t want to leave anymore…and me myself being tired of pretending to be okay…

// Happy about // I honestly don´t know, really. I am terribly sorry and some people will surely come up to say “oh you´re still so lucky, so stop whining” and to be fair, I cannot give a fuck because this is how I feel and noone dictates how I should be feeling about my life. Cheers!

// Read // I really had planned to go and grab a book this weekend to calm down and everything, but I couldn´t be bothered unfortunately. I really have amazing books still waiting for me but I am currently not in a state where I say that I´d sit down and read a book for hours and get absorbed in the story…

// Angry about // The world, life, the company, German laws…everything? It kinda came in waves, and still does. I feel like an angry kid that had his fave toy being stolen and now sits there and hates everything and everyone. Sounds promising, right?

// Wished for // Wished for…miracles.

// Dreamt about // Nightmares. Only nightmares. Nothing else. NOthing I wanna talk about. My mind is a mess and lives this state totally during nighttime. I am happy when I cannot remember my dreams at last, which usually is the case but yet of course I still wake up all sweated and confused.

// Bought // Nothing special, just food and such things that I need for daily life. So a boing week to be honest  – because I returned my medieval dress and belt, for money saving purposes. Because you never know what comes.

// Clicked // LinkedIn again. And job pages. And more job pages. And Xing. And job pages. Well you get the hang of it, nothing exciting to share or anything that would be worth looking at for you, unless you´re also on a job hunt here in Germany 😉

// Played // The Sims 4. Fleeing into a stable world, a world where things are easy and where my bank account has 39.000€ on it and I am having a highly paid and well recognized job. Where I am slim and have a nice house with a pool and all of this shit…

// Statement of the week // None…^^

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