Day X+3 & +4 – I am useless.


Yesterday
…yeah, yesterday was a dark day. It was pitch black and I didn´t see any light at the end of the tunnel. It felt like this fucker did not even have an end. As if someone had built a wall at the end of this tunnel, making it impossible to get out of there or even just have the hope of getting out and escaping.

I did not count how many hours I actually spent in bed, nor did I count the amount of tears that were running over my face en course of the day – my nerves just felt like they were broken and the mask I had been wearing, making me say I was okay, had fallen into pieces. And it´s not even been hate against anyone, it was desperation and I felt like I was falling and falling. I felt not understood by anyone, everything was hurting me and insulting and I literally just dug myself up under my blanket for hours. I couldn´t and didn´t want to bear with this reality anymore. Because it really had kicked in.

It was Sunday and I knew: the oh so hated Monday will not happen. I have no job to do. Noone needs me there anymore. I am useless. Does anyone at all need me? Like…at all? For whatever? I doubted it. And it pulled me down. Again and more and more and more. My thoughts got darker and darker and it all fell into pieces, and at some point I really needed to direct the hate and frustration to somewhere – just not to myself. Got my ass up and went for a run, ignoring the approaching lightning and rain. I just couldn´t care, I was like “so if lightning hits me, whatever?”. I ran a good time for my small round, and just came home before hell broke loose. Ufffz.

And today? Job agency. I dread even just writing these words because for me, they are the name of “you failed” and “you´re a loser”. And this is how I felt when I went there, wishing I could just run off again. But the woman who took my data and everything was a really sweet one, not much older and before she started working at the agency, she worked at a company that also kicked out many people at once and so she really knows how I feel. And this just felt good, talking to someone who knows how it feels. Someone who´s been there and now found something where she says she likes it better. It was what I needed. Besides just random chit-chatting. I felt better.

Until she told me who the person taking care of me was, and kinda also giving me the info that this dude is someone who you eitehr really like or really dislike. Nothing in between apparently. Promising, right? And it doesn´t really cheer me up, but let´s see what happens in two weeks when I have the appointment…

During the afternoon I had again this dark cloud coming over me, after I felt still okay and quite opimistic after having worked on some CV related things…went food shopping, to not need to do this during the coming week and everything and also got some stuff for baking bread. Haven´t done this for ages, so…

How I feel now in the evening? Lonely. And looking forward to seeing my boyfriend tomorrow. To not being alone. To not curl up in bed alone. I really need this. Warmth.

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