Yesterday I was doing okay until talking with someone about salary discussions and more and more the hate against my ex company came up, pairing up with feeling hurt and being generally upset and battling a huge bulk of anxiety caused thoughts. Sleeping? Yesh right, nice thought. Forget about it. Went to bed really late therefore – once i was so tired from crying hat I probably fell asleep sheding my last tears still. I have no idea, but I couldn´t handle it anymore. Whenever a topic is something like this, I start crying. Immediately. I cannot handle it. I am weak. I am angry.
New day, same shit…and now was pretty much tired and grumpy most of the day, even though I tried to get out of this hole again, and partially succeeded. But not much mostly, at least it was an average mood and not like I was gonna destroy something or kill someone. Okay okay, I killed one of my Sims. On purpose, kinda, because I wanted to see if I can flirt with the reaper again – and it worked. But that´s just a game, right? 😀 Creepy and odd game at times, but at least it makes me laugh. Sometimes. Okay okay I was laughing quite a bit then, again.
Also I started working on my cover letter for my applications and put togetehr my certificates and everything, so that it all looks well together and has the same style, same color scheme and everything. I´ve become even more of a perfectionist now, and even though I am still battling a cold, I cannot just rest. Retsing scares me though I need to, to be fit and ready for the long road I gotta walk most likely to find a new job. I am aware of thise but I am like a hamster in a wheel, I just cannot stop at all. Maybe because I am afraid? I don´t know.
All I know today is that certain topics are breaking a lot, and I really gotta get my ass together and just get things going. Somehow. There is no problems, just challenges…