Day X+15 & 16 – It´s dying!


…no worries, I am okay and people around me okay but my laptop is not. Seems like one or several cables connecting laptop with its screen are fucked, so currently I can choose between having a messy screen with more of a blue or a green touch, but proper colors – nope, forget about it.

That just started on the evening on X+14 already, and got a lot worse yesterday, so x+14. So what did I do yesterday and what happened? Well, as I already had been a busy bee before, I did not need to write and take care of applications yesterday. And that really felt good. I was sleeping really long because I went to bed really late, and had odd dreams again. And waking up alone really als did not make me happy, I tend to be really confused lately when waking up because of my dreams. And it´s nicer to have someone next to you in such moments.  But yeah, all I did was moving from bed to couch, also to still rest my left foot as it was still hurting a bit.

And in the afternoon I went to pick up my boyfriend at the company and…it was weird. I was sitting in the bus and I felt like going home. It felt somehow so natural that I had to remind myself that this was actually the past. So I checked in with some departments and everything and I tried to be a happy smiley something and on one hand I really was. On the other hand I was hurting, and my heart was bleeding. Seeing my team (yes, they will always remain MY team) and everything and knowing I will not be working with them anymore…yes it is tough and I really had thought that I wuld be over it and it would not shake me up….but how wrong I was. This is something that I just realized today, but yeah. It was tough and no matter how good it felt to see the people again, I should´ve better waited downstairs. Or at IKEA, where my boyfriend and I then went.

I opened up a wound that I so badly want to remain closed. It was dumb but I know I will do it again because no matter that I know they´re in good hands, it feels like someone ripped my baby out of my arms and I just want to check in from time to time to know how things are. This is passion and dedication. For the job that I was kicked out from. Good timing.

The rets of the day was full of joy, and no matte rhow much I should be watching my money, I bought things because they´re things I will be using and not this “fun and nice to have stuff”…also the rest of the evening was nice, watching some cooking documentaries together and just relaxing, turning off the mind…

Today, X+16 – it´s all about collecting the parts for my new computer. Ok well, my boyfriend asks me what I wanna do with it and he then checks what I need…and it´s better to have the split like this, I am a technical noob. Shame on me and I really would love to know more, but somehow it was not quite my topic in the past. So yeah, a lot of checking for this, and even just deciding on a damned pc tower case is a challenge…I am so picky and this and that and yes and no and…headdesk. Nearly hopeless case, but I think I have found something.

And if I am lucky, we can start ordering the stuff to my address pretty soonish – I mean, I am home anways so it is easy for me to pick up the parcels. Except for Monday and Tuesday, as those will be busy days due to the job interviews. Besides this, it´s been a normal day for me…some house scores, food shopping, some trying to tidy up and clean and a lot of playing on my tablet and watching TV. Silence has clearly become an enemy for me when I am alone, now that I don´t have people around me all day – it feels like it gives me the wrong impression of not being alone.

Hilarious, I know, but I start understanding how thise clichee of an umemployed person having the TV on all day long actually came up. If it´s not the TV, it is music or RadioRock.fi, I just need something. Some voice, some noise…often I don´t even listen or watch, I just need this. Because otherwise I might simply turn insane. And I am not planning on letting this ever happen…

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