Day X+28 – I just wanna sleep

This is the first time that I really need to force myself to actually write something. But, as I mentioned in the start, I want to use this as a chance to talk about how I feel and as a little therapy for myself, I am still writing these lines.

After yesterday going pretty well with everything, I woke up being all negative. And alone. And lonely. And I had this feeling of “why do I even get up if noone needs me anyways” feeling stuck in my head, resulting in getting up at noon. And that in return also made me feel even shittier, because I know I should be productive instead. Should. Must. All these words fill my days and weeks since I was dismissed. I simply have to do things. Things, meaning application writing and going to job interviews. This is what ultimatively my life evolves around at the moment, and that is stressful.

You might think I am just sitting at home alone, chilling on the couch, watching the most stupid TV series I can find whilst sipping a hot tea and being curled up in a blanket. It is a yes and no. Yes, I am doing these things, but mainly because I feel useless and I do not know where to put myself and what to do with myself and with the days. My TV is running literally from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep. It is the first noise and first voices I heard and the last ones. And on many days also the only ones. Being unemployed is some kind of isolation that you are being put in without having decided for it…and I suffer from this, though I am someone who generally enjoys it to have a lot of time for myself. But if that´s your daily business, it wears you out. A lot.

You might now say I could go outside. I could. I should. And I do, but most times I need to force myelf and am happy if there are not many other people outside, because I feel like everyone looks at me and thinks “oh, she is unemployed, why is she not instead applying somewhere?” or generally sees misery when looking at me. It is hilarious to feel this way but it really is like this. And you know, it´s things that I did before when having been on vacation I was always like “wow, many people going to the stores at this time when otehrs work, they could be doing that too”. And now I am one of those that are in the same boat with them. I could also go and meet friends and so…yes, I could. But I don´t want any questions about being unenmployed and all this shit. But you cannot avoid that topic in such meetings so I rather spend time with myself. It is my decision, yes. But I feel forced to decide like this.

And I hate that. not because I hate unemployed people, but because it feels terrible for me. I work hard to get out of there but it feels like noone is appreciating this, noone even wants to give it a go and me a chance. And what´s even worse is that most rejections after my job interviews are not even based on my skills or on how well I did at the job interview itself. It is just things like “we took someone who already had a bit of experience working in an agency” – well, I worked in customer services and as a project manager managing quite a big team and still people think it would be sooo much of an advance to have worked in an agency before. And the problem is that most companies I can apply to are agncies…can you imagine the worries and fears I develop? I go to job interviews, the talks go amazingly well and deep inside I just wait for getting yet another no because of my lack of agency experience. It really destroys the hope that you need to keep going and to keep giving your best with every application and every job interview. It is draining my energy. And to be fully honest, this whole shit brings me closer to a burn out than any whatever busy and stressful job has ever brought me.

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