Day X+29 – Questioning the sense

(written on September 23rd, aka Day X+29)

And this time actually it is not related to anything with applications and such (though those are also going oddly weird – rejections after amazing well going interviews, and then another invitation for next week by another company) but rather something that I once used to call my passion. And I really thought I still had this passion.

10 years ago I borrowed my very first DSLR camera for going to Amphi Festival, and I got hooked. My photos sucked badass, but something was triggered. I always had loved photographing but this experience took it to a new level. And a passion and love was simply born.

And now, ten years later I am again hitting the point of questioning why I am even still doing this. Wednesday´s show was sucky light wise and killed my mood, and now the first day of Hamburg Metal Dayz felt not any better. Additionally, my kit lens is being a bitch and even if accidently there was good light, it somehow didn´t turn out to be well focussed shots. I am gutted, I am hurt, I am upset, I am angry and I feel heartbroken.

Photography was what I thought would be cheering me up during this tough time but instead I am sitting here and being all frustrated and feeling even more useless and untalented than I felt before. I look back at how I felt amongst the other photographers and opposite to the smiley and social girl I used to be all the years, I see a grumpy, bitter and anti-social and all closed up young woman in the photo pit and outside of it. Not wanting any contact, no chatting, nothing.

And even though I focus on photographing so badly, my photos suck. My camera lens sucks (if I need to use my kit lense I am fucked) and a new and proper one would be like 800-1000€ and I am not really willing if I can and want to afford to spend so much money on it. I don´t know if it would change the feeling. I really don´t know. I just want this damned passion to come back. But it feels like it has become rare.

I was really passionate and felt good when photographing only for FAEY at the MPS and back in the days for THE NEW BLACK…and yes, both photos do show my passion. Though I think I was mostly also blessed with good light. And with just bad light I fail. Am I lacking talent? Am I lacking the skills? Am I lacking the will to learn and dig deep? Am I lacking the right equipment? Is it hopeless or worth investing whatever it needs to be invested?

I really don´t know. It´s one of those days where I´d gladly just sell all of my shit and run off with the money. And buy fucking chocolcate ice cream from that moment (and I do not even have damned chocolate in my apartment, damned weightloss shit).

Have I mentioned I will still be going to Hamburg Metal Dayz Part 2? Yes, I wonder the same – aka why the hell I am doing this. Maybe because I am a masochistic asshole and like to torture myself.

But…THE NEW BLACK is playing, at least. And even if hell breaks lose and the light and photos will also suck there. I can at least sing along and try to forget all this bullshit around me.

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