Actually it should be, if fully formulated, “Sick of selling myself” or rather trying to do so. I yesterday with another job interview that – this is how it felt to me – will yet again not be successful aswell. In the morning I got up and felt sick, mentally. Worn out, burnt out, unable to focus and not having any power.
And that was just the start of the day where during the lunch time the smallest things just made me freak out and break down in tears. Yes, I am making little things that possibly maybe just happen (not even necessarily will happen) so big that they feel unbearable and yeah. It´s just gotten too much somehow, uncertainty, frustration and a more and more disappearing self confidence about literally everything that comcerns me just make everything a hassle. It doesn´t matter if it is selling myself in a job interview or the simple look into the mirror seeing a body I currently hate to the core again (though I have no reason for that).
I am really low, and the fake smile I wear when leaving the flat and go outside has more and more become a heavy burden and it is becoming difficult to really keep up when walking somewhere through the drizzling rain and with grey clouds and grumpy looking people. I feel like I don´t even want to try anymore to smile or to fake it, it has become to exhausting.
What, nevertheless, always makes me smile is time with my boyfriend, where I can just be myself and enjoy the time being. As simple as that and no more words than these needed. I am a happy girl around him.
Today I did…yes, NOTHING. I managed to do that also because I did not feel too healthy – coughing and sneezing is back, yay. I started reading a book finally again, did some gymnastics and weights and will soon be going for a little walk before finishing the day off with some time in a hot bath.
The next two days will be busy and tiring, as I will be doing my course for the Scrum master certification, and that means tomorrow and Friday sitting in a meeting room for 8 hours each, learning and then hopefully passing this damned exam (yes, I am afraid of it…it is an exam for which I have to pay…you get the point, right?)….and being around people for eight hours is going to be a hassle. And then the lunch buffet which I probably cannot eat thanks to weight watchers (I pre-cooked my own stuff) and the amazing coffee/tea break in the afternoon with cake I cannot eat and where I will have an apple and a banana instead. Great outlook onto the days, hm?
Ah well, just matches the whole time right now…no can do. Close the eyes and go get through it. Somehow. Just function and get shit done.