Always on Sunday (13) – or “Sometimes on Monday”

Man it´s late already again, and the weekend is over  already- I mean, not that in general that matters to me nowadays, but still…crazy how fast time passes by, and sometimes it is the small things that remind me on how fast time is passing – like the son of one of the Apocalyptica members´ sons having turned 18 today. Shit man, I still remember having seen a kid photo of that boy, and now…makes me feel old and realizing how little I achieved for my age. That´s at least my way of seeing things, others might think differently…

I was nearl finished with this blog entry yesterday, but then got a massive headache and didn´t publish it anymore, so here we go again – “Sometimes on Monday” 😉

// Listened to //
A lot of Apocalyptica because it is still my comfort music number 1. Always has been, always will be, and nothing is more comforting than songs by this band with whom I connect so many amazing times and moments and comforting times.

// Done // Well, my Scrum Master exam and then…a lot of crying from exhaustion and actually trying to solve problems and work out things for my future and most importantly…I tried to relax. And totally failed because there was always something coming up that really killed me mentally. I don´t know how long I can keep going anymore.

// Eaten // Again too much, at least the weekend over. The thing is, I started working with a food plan again, but I also need to stick to it and it started with “meh, I don´t wanna eat this today, I rather want something else” and then everything fell into pieces like a card house. So next week I really gotta get back to sticking to this plan again, no matter if I wanna eat it or not. The thing is – I always feel so guilty during and after eating, but my body tells me that soon it is time for curling up and sleeping through the winter, and thus now it´d be time for eating. My body just forgets that there is no such thing with humans. Unfortunately.

// Thought // How shitty it is that in Germany everyone´s looking at your job and what you earn and if you´re low, you are just an outcast. It´s all that matters – money and money and that has become so clear to me lately, also because I feel like this. Not having money makes me just…feel so little and unwanted for whatever reasons…I don´t feel like digging deep into this, especially because I feel like doing this in English would be too tough somehow…

// Happy about // I am happy about having passed my Scrum Master I exam, so that I am now officially certified. Also this week, I was happy about my 1 years anniversary with my boyfriend and all the little things that come with it. Besides this…not really anything…

// Read // A lot about when your unemployment benefits can be cut or paused/put on hold and for how long and when not and all of these things. You might be wondering why, but that´s gonna clear up in the next “category” I think. But this is what I´ve been reading, together with revising for my Scrum exam.

// Angry about // Being noticed about having my unemployment benefits not being paid until exactly Christmas. I am still waiting for the separate notice telling me thre reasons for it, but to be honest this is not understandable at all and I will not let this case rest. Also I am waiting for a callback from the job center (payment department) for having this clarified – but beyond all the anger, there is a load of fear hidden that causes stress attacks and sleepless nights and nightmares for me. I am really on my limits…

// Wished for // The France trip to be already closer so that I can flee from all this madness and negative thoughts and just shake it off for a couple of days. It feels like just being in Hamburg itself is making me negative nowadays, and I gotta get rid off that sonish. I need the live music, I need the travelling, I need the company, I need the new cities…as simple as that.

// Dreamt about // Being a homeless person living in a tent under a bridge and fighting against rain leaking into holes of that mentioned tent. Questions? Nope? Fine.

// Bought // Hm, have I bought anything special this week? Except for some meds, food and the normal shizzle that a human needs? Oh yes, some new clothes for autumn and winter, all price reduced 😀 I love saving money on things I wanted to buy for a while already but never wanted to spend the money on it ^^

// Clicked // Some sewing instructions because I wanna get back to sewing again next week – when I will hopefully have some more power again and also the will and nerve to actually sit down and everything…let´s see if that will be working in the end, but at least I found nice things to try out.


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