Actually I had planned to be writing this already in spring, when, after many years, I had my first acute attack of nerodermatitis. But I dropped the idea, and this post remained in my “drafts box” for pretty much half a year.
Why? Because somehow, after thinking about it, I felt ashamed. Who wants to talk about an illness that attacks the skin and makes you scratch it and makes you look like…you cannot take care of yourself and of your skin properly?
For me it started when I was still a really little kid – we have many photos of me with gloves to keep me from scratching, the woundly scratched skin and covered with creme skin…and my often terribly annoyed facial expression. You know, you cannot compare this to what it is like nowadays, because it is very different.
Now I can understand and, on my own, fight the outcomes of stress, anxities and everything – but it still drives me nuts and makes everything even worse. You know, you´re stressed, things are not going well maybe even, and then this rash appears. And if it wasn´t enough, it also attacks your hands and fingers. And then you go to work and even possibly need to shake hands, or poeple see your skin, see how it looks like and you feel judged. And even if everyone would be running around blindfolded, you would still feel the looks of the others. And then you are even more stressed and feeling uncomfortable and the skin issues get worse and worse… This is how the devil´s circle looks like for me, and has for quite a while.
You really need to learn to accept it ass a part of yoursel and not stress about it, though it is tough and I am nowhere near this point. But I keep trying, just as I also keep trying to kill the stress that causes these attacks, as I try to stop scratching and peeling off my skin (well, let´s be honest, when I was writing these lines, I was acually rippng off little pieces of skin that came halfway off my finger because of it…).
And being the person I am, I tend to forget to take my cortison creme with me so that I can take care of my skin not only in the morning and evening – I know I should but…that creme is so sticky and…I always forget it at home or lose it somewhere and then in the evening I am all desperate because then I can really use it properly…and somehow I hate it because it makes me feel as if I was sick. It´s this great amount of nice denial that makes me have these thoughts, not really aware of it, but sometimes I am like…why am I so against it? Simply because it displays that if I need it, I gotta have some…condition.
…and because my damned hand is itchy again and I cannot find the creme, I gotta finish off here and now – maybe you got the point of this little blog entry 😉