Day X+184-187 – Bye Bye February!

25.02.2017 – Day X+184
A day of learning and the Hoop performance at the sports studio. And lets put it that way, the performance was a let down for me.
First I got wrong info on when to be there and had to rush, just to figure out that I would have had more than half an hour more to actually get there. All stressed out and already with still a tad of pain from the week, I still did the warm up and felt really good until the first figure where Ihad to put weight onto my left arm.
And booom, massive pain in my muscle. I pulled through neverthelels, but the timing of the moves was just awful and after the performance I was in so much pain the tears just came up…then went home, said goodbye to my boyfriend again far too early and continued learning though that was tough job with all the pain…

26.02.2017 – Day X+185
Learning. Learning. Haven´t slept too well and my motivation dropped really quickly, especially because I am missing it to spend proper time together with my boyfriend. I really want this whole time to be over, I want me to have passed these damned exams and to catch up with life again. I want to feel fit and agile again, and the pain in my left arm is also not really uplifting. Annoying day, really. And I have no idea how to survive the night because I start getting nervous, really.

27.02.2017 – Day X+186
Written exam. Oral exam. Results of the project plan. You can imagine how much I slept last night – I fell asleep at like 3am, woke up panicking at 4am because I freamt I would have overslept. Didn´t fall asleep anymore afterwards. I was tired, stressed out, and grumpy. And I felt stomach sick to an extend I had to force myself to eat my bread for breakfast.
I don´t know how I made it through the written exam, but I felt pretty much dizzy all the time. But I remembered stuff and I am pretty certain I remembered enough to have passed. Then  we got some general feedback and the info, we had all passed the project plan part of the examination. Relax. Went to have lunch at Vapiano with a course collague as we had been one of the last ones for the oral exam and needed to somehow  pass the waiting time. And on the last metres before that oral exam…all my panic returned. I was shaking, I felt dizzy at its best, I was close to just crying for the sake of stress relief. But then the oral exam went well – we had to pull three cards with questions and needed to answer two of them. And I was really lucky with those that I picked. I passed. What. a . relief. It is over, I guess.
Then we went to Hofbräuhaus for some drinks and food to relax and get rid off the stress…

28.02.2017 – Day X+187
Man I slept like a baby last night, felt so good…
Job agency appointment which went okay, and being told I can be proud of finishing the course is also not too bad 😉 Afterwards went to beg the orthopaedist to pleaaase check my left arm as it is still hurting and hey, it even worked. Luckily it is just bery badly strained, and nothing ripped apart…makes me relieved, but not being able to put pressure onto the arm or really work with the muscle is annoying. Oh and no sudden or quick movements also aren´t allowed. Annoying as hell, but no can do ^^
Rets of the day I spent with cleaning and reducing the mess of my apartment, and packing my stuff for London…still cannot believe I am really going to see Apocalyptica tomorrow again o.O


Day X+180-183 – The exam is coming closer!

21.02.2017 – Day X+180
What a day. First school and the in the afternoon dentist appoint to redo one of my fillings that broke out halfway and caused toothflesh troubles. And I was “promised” that it needs to be done with having it injected so it doesn´t hurt…the doctor said we could try without but he isn´t sure if that was working for me painwise…let´s put it this way: it was painful. But the thought of a injection needle really made everything relatively bearable. More or less. Sweat pearls running down my back told a different story, but well, I survived. And then afterwards did some sweets shopping and therefore also illed today´s weight watchers budget…

22.02.2017 – Day X+181
Woke up after around 10h of sleep and still felt as if a truck had ran over me somehow, and I really don´t know why. Maybe my body and mind needs more time for ecovery, but I do not yet have the time for this. Got up, breakfast, and then picked up the vinyl of Apocalyptica´s “plays metallica”, and did in the same rush some grocery shopping, learnt a tiny bit and then rushed to my hoop playtime that at least went pretty well I´d say. And after that, dinner, hot bath (painful with bruises) and then learning and learning and even more learning. I don´t want this anymore.

23.02.2017 – Day X+182
I woke up to the sound of rain clashing against my windows, after the wind had been howling throughout the night. The windgame of my neighbours has been making noise throughout the whole day, and whilst learning this really made me hyper aggressive. That piled up with the not-motivation caused by the general grey weather, made the day just…a long one, but I forced myself to be learning anyways because there is simply no way around.

24.02.2017 – Day X+183
What. a. day. You know, I had been playing with this crazy idea of going to London to see Apocalyptica but as tickets were all sold out, I kinda gave up on it even though I, with a laugh, took part in a couple of competitions to win tickets. AND GUESS WHAT! I won two tickets. Like, really. So fucking excited!
And the hoop final lesson also went really really well – couldn´t have gone any better, even though my lower left arm still hurts since the play time on Wednesday…but I should be okay, especially now that my cold seems to have magically disappeared!?

Always on Sunday (31)

In between final repetition sessions for my exam tomorrow, I am kinda throwing all of this together…and hopefully will not forget to post it in time 😉

// Done //
– Grocery shopping – the totally necessary evil as I would call it…
– Studying for the final project management exam – I so have to pass this to get rid off it…
– Hoop playtime – chatting and practicing without the necessary focus brings bruises
– Hoop lesson – All confident for the performance as stuff worked out well
Hoop performance – half disaster for the perfectionist like me & brought pain
– Dentist appointment – I survived without a injection..thank god.
– Trying not to get sick – constant battle with all the stress and exhaustion going on

// Eaten //
Too much crap, and too unhealthy and too uncontrolled. But as I hope this stress will be done by tomorrow evening when I will (hopefully) have passed my exams, I can finally focus on eating healthy again. I miss it, but somehow was craving too much sweets…

// Bought //
Apocalyptica vinyl, flight tickets to London, AirBnb stay in London, the usual grocery stuff and generally htings I always need. But besides this nothing special – becaus ethe most uncommon things I listed already right at the start ^^

// Listened to //
Apocalyptica. And only Apocalyptica. It kinda indicates how stressed I am currently, and specially the instrumental songs are good for clearing the mind to get refreshed for yet another round of learning…

// Watched //
This time a food preparation video – on an egg in bacon avocado. Sounds odd, doesn´t it!? And doesn´t look any less weird but….this is really tempting me, really gotta try this some time!

// Read //
Besides all the project management stuff that caught like 98% of all my reading, I also had a read about nice places where to go and stumbled across this list of 17 places where you can go to rather cheaply by plane 😉

// Played //
Nothing. I didn´t even touch Stardew Valley except for playing one game-day, which is really not much looking at how much I used to be playing. Frustrating, because once you start playing, it is hard to stop – but there is so much else to do that is more important…

// Thought //
I really need a photoshooting of me doing Hoop. I am so in love with me doing this sport and I somehow feel more confident in/with the hoop than without it when it comes to my looks/appearance 😉

// Happy about //
Having won the concert tickets to Apocalyptica in London, and it´s really come as a freakin surprise! 

// Angry about //
…not being able to keep my Weight Watchers budgets…I was always over my budget, and under my active minutes. I really tried not to dive off into stress eating and it´s been different this time – it´s been far less than it had been in the days, but it still sort of returned. Especially when I was learning during the evening and nighttime hours, I was having so much need for sweets…

// Wished for //
This feeling of being burnt-out to disappear. This permanent tiredness to go away, my throat aching and this permanent weakness that clearly shows how done with everything my body is and how much my body struggles not only physicalls but also mentally. I want to be able to stand up again after a good night without odd dreams, and feeling refreshed in the morning and looking forward to the day.

// Dreamt about //
Loads of crazy stuff that really didn´t make any sense no matter how you twisted and turned it xD

Hoop Lesson 7 (17.02.17) & Playtime (22.02.2017)

The lesson – it went rather well, except for that one move that is the last one in the hoop as mentioned in the last blog post about my hoop time. And then we also did some final floorwork, which is rather easy looking at all the things that we´ve done in the hoop before.

But I still feel like an elephant doing the floorwork, it just doesn´t look elegant no matter how hard I try. I just feel fat. It is terrible how a few seconds of floorwork can totally destroy the feel that I had about the choreography. I. Hate. Floorwork.

And also we started repeating to really hit the change points and be in time which I really struggle with because the music is just sounding all the same and it is hard to really hear where to change and go into the next position. In the last lesson we will be practicing this over and over again. My poor nerves.

The playtime…I went there with the slightest hope of things maybe going well and boosting my ego a tiny little bit. But I didn´t have high hopes and therefore was quite surprised when things were going really well.

The roll forward and getting back up again afterwards has now a 100% chance to be working even though it is not a 100% how it should be like, but I am getting up again and don´t look like a strandled whale anymore. I am totally fine with this, I really dropped perfectionism there. Simply because I dunnot have time for perfectionism now anymore.

The thing from last week´s lesson now also improved LOADS, by now it has a 90% chance of working, which is such a huge improvement which I really had not imagined at all. No idea why it improved so much all of a sudden, it just worked most of the times now. Maybe because I just dropped the pressure, lord know. I don´t really care, as long as it works 😉

So yeah, it went well except for hitting my ankle against the hoop really hard and well, the hoop is solid. nothing more to say about this…

Day X+175-179 – Music is balm for the soul

Wrap up of another couple of days in regards of reflecting on those! I am trying to catch up but with all the learning I am supposed to be doing and actually am doing, it really is hard to keep up to date and on track…in March it will get MUCH better!

16.02.2017 – Day X+175
Apocalyptica. Show. In. Hamburg. The rest of the day you can totally forget, because everything got unimportant when you have such a concert coming up. And my boyfriend was joining me. So I was having important people around me. And my fave music that has made me go through so many (very) dark times in my life and has always given me new power. And it was an emotional evening, that was as always far too short ^^

17.02.2017 – Day X+176
Dead is pretty much a nice expression of how I felt for the whole day – I had come to sleep at like 2am because of all the adrenaline in my boy from last night, and then had to show up at school at 9am. Hell on earth, really.
And it then got even worse – I went home and had planned to eep myself busy but instead fell asleep on the couch and then had to be headed to my hoop lesson after which I somehow felt more refreshed and fitter than during the whole damned day which again led to me not being able to go to sleep early…

18.02.2017 – Day X+177
My boyfriend came around in the early afternoon and we used the dry weather for a bit of a walk before doing foodhopping and then taking care of our dinner, aka the very first self-made springrolls a la my ideas xD And they turned out really delicious but time consuming when it comes to the preparation. We then watched the last episode of Vikings and some other odd stuff before falling into bed…

19.02.2017 – Day X+178
Sunday, day of learning or at least trying so after my boyfriend had left my place. In the end it´s just been around 2,5 hours and I felt like I was gonna forget half of the learned things anyways immediately. I really have no idea how to get everything into my head, I am totally lacking power and am actually permanently physically and mentally exhausted. And somewhen I also had to do some house scores and all that shit – only my hot bath and my dinner really made me relax for a while at last.

20.02.2017 – Day X+179
Exam preparation class all up until very late lunchtime, and as I thought we´d finish earlier, I had left my porrdige at home for some late lunch…equipped just with my breakfast and my banana, happy Monday, that´s all I can say. But at least the warmth creme had mostly erased my back pain. But that´s it mostly about the good news of the day. The class was tiring and I feel more and more the fear of failing because I seem to be not remembering anything or not knowing anything that´s seemingly relevant for the exams next week…and the weather did its best to also not really make motivation grow, unless it´s about the motivation to stay in bed all day…

Apocalyptica plays Metallica by four cellos – Hamburg – 16.02.2017

It is kinda weird how far away it already feels now, even though it´s just been on Thursday evening. Feels like weeks ago, but maybe it is like with a junkie – you get your dose and kick, and then fall deep and fast when you´re back on withdrawal again. And that´s something I didn´t expect in such an extend to be honest. Sure, it is Apocalyptica, but I´ve been so hyped about Franky being with them that I could hardly imagine anymore how it´d with just cellos and drums. I thought I would really think something would be missing. But – I didn´t feel like this. Not a single second did I miss something.

But anyhow, let´s start with first things first. The venue is around where my school is right now, so it´s an easy way there, though the area realy sucks. Totally not inviting to be walking around or anything at all. But no can do. At least the bus stop to get to main station is rather close by.

So I met up with someone in advance and went for a little walk, whilst everyone else was waiting for their Meet And Greets with the band and had therefore been at the venue really early. I really felt like an outsider there, and that didn´t get any better – rather worse xD I am just not too keen anymore on finding new friends on concerts amongst the fans. It is sad that I need to state that but I made enough bad experiences over the past many years in regards of this. I can cope alone or with superficial and temporary bonding 😉

The venue from the inside is not my cup of tea, because it is so sterile and really offers the atmosphere of a station or so. Not iniviting, nope. And looking at many of the venues the guys played before this was kinda a let down – also because it had not been sold out.

But that didn´t make the show any less great (my boyfriend I managed to get him over to sit next to me by moving everyone in between him and me one place to the side xD). The thing that really annoyed me was the fact I had to be sitting. And sitting. And how the fuck do you headbang whilst sitting? It´s not only more complicated but also no fun and generally felt wrong to sit there whilst they play rock songs. I am not a 100 years old yet, so standing would´ve been just fine right from the start on. But well, cheers to the band to booking only seated venues!

The music…I had feared I would get annoyed about it only being Metallica songs but I was totally fan, and I am not even sure if I enjoyed the full cellos-only part more or the part with drums. Yes, there were two parts, separated by a break. First set without drums, and second with drums where we also were able to be standing which really made me happy. Felt so much more natural to be fully honest. I was just a bit upset about the drums – they looked far better than they sounded, didn´t sound too well in my ears, but as I was focussing on the cellos anways…and I kinda dropped back into the habit of switching between watching Antero (this technique!) and Paavo . It had been like this back in the days, and it really put me back. Back to those days, those feelings, those memories, those happy and sad moments, everything that had been going on there. It really made me emotional and it surprised me how easily that happened. Latest when Antero played the “burning cello” again that they used back in the days aswell, I was done. It was like THE surprise for me because I had been joking ahead of the show that my life would be complete if also that cello would make a return. And there it was! Couldn´t believe it, I think I looked like a deer when seeing a car coming for it.

“Nothing else matters” crushed me again, and this time it was physical pain all of a sudden. I felt like someone was literally stabbing me in my stomach and kept turning this knife. It was insane, and kinda the sad highlight of the show as I really had thought I would have been kinda over the memories connected to the song. But I was totally wrong, but totally happy that my boyfriend was there to hold and comfort me.

And then the show was over. And I was surprised because time passed by so fast it rarely felt as if it had been an hour or anything like this. And I had to admit: I was hooked. Again. and wondered where to see them next.

And here have some short videos that I took:

Day X+171-174 – Food, sports and learning

12.02.2017 – Day X+171
You know, after having been writing cards for learning most of the time, I had planned to be activating m new mobile phone as I finally had my new tiny Sim card in my hands…but guess what, Vodafone had technical issues and weren´t able to activate the new simcard until later in the evening and man I was pissed off. But then it was all good, and I enjoyed playing around with the phone after initial frustration about all of the apps to installing and settings to change….
Then I decided on some lighter food than last evening, aka the rests of the salad and meat with some Shirataki noodles – perfect match, my boy could have not handled anything heavy tonight.

13.02.2017 – Day X+172
Monday, Funday. Wait, no, not really matching. It´s just yet another day of learning and tidying up my apartment so this chaos doesn´t me nuts anymore even though I know the tidiness won´t last long anyways. But at least I try once in a while. The learning is nerve-killing because I start lacking motivations, I just wanna be through and done with it all, but there is no end to be see. Feels like running through an endless tunnel.
And then the flesh around my tooth started hurting again. This really was the last thing I needed, but well, dentist appointment in a week and until then I need to somehow get through with it.

14.02.2017 – Day X+173
Waking up grumpy, having a nice breakfast that ate too many Weight Watchers points to be fair, but who cares. Gotta take care of that then later on, and since I was going to the hoop playtime, too, I was burning quite a few calories anyways. The hoop playtime, as you might have read already was not going too well, but the evening with my boyfriend was clearly making up for it.
And before anyone asks – no, we did not celebrate Valentine´s Day, as we both aren´t really into it. We can make nice gifts every day, no need to have one set day for it. But spending time  together is for me the best give anyways, so…
And that evening was once again a fun and sweet times, it was hilarious to play Scrabble and in the end then making up words and trying to make stuff sound naughty…I enjoyed laughing so much to be honest. And my salad that was my dinner also just fit right into my Weight Watchers point budget for the day – I gotta watch this a lot as I need to lose more than just a 100g each week…starts to be really annoying to be full honest.

15.02.2017 – Day X+174
Back home in the late morning, and first thing to do was have a chicen soup with some additional ingredients to make it more tasty. I am here and there feeling under the weather, somehow the cold or allergy or both cannot stop bothering because it´s gotta be fun for the body to annoy the most out of me. But body, listen, this is not gonna happen, you are not gonna win, believe me.
Anyways, food shopping was also done, and then the learning marathon once again started. My concentration, well, I was struggling, really. The time passed by and somehow it just got near-impossible for me . But what has to be done, has to be done, no matter of neighbors are hammering and drilling (no, not meant in a sexist way) and making a noise…not really making my concentration and will for learning better. I hope it´s gonna work with keeping everything in my head at least until the exam, afterwards I can happily delete it from my memory 😉

Always on Sunday (30)

It´s been quite a busy and emotional week for me, not only because of exam preparations and the Apocalyptica concert that gave me flashbacks to old times…

// Done //
– Learning for my exam of my project management course
– Gifting unicorn toilet paper to my boyfriend
– Not celebrating Valentine´s day (no need for this commercial day)
– Struggling with pain around the tooth flesh
– Hoop playtime and hoop lesson
– Seeing Apocalyptica in concert
– Making spring rolls for the first time

// Eaten // Selfmade springrolls made with rice paper and heated up in the oven – really tasty, but it takes quite some time to actually prepare it, that´s pretty much the downside of it. Don´t have much time? Then don´t do it…especially not if you´re limited when it comes to space in the kitchen xD

// Bought // Three things actually. And all are related to Apocalyptica 😉 I bought myself a tour shirt (and killed my “buying a shirt only when having attended at least two shows of that tour” rule), a wristlet that has a broken cello string from the Shadowmaker tour included and the white vinyl + CD edition of the remastered “Plays Metallica on 4 cellos” album. I really hadn´t planned to be buying that album but somehow…that´s the fangirl in me, or well, the collector and music lover rather 😉

// Listened to // Apocalyptica and even more Apocalyptica and Apocalyptica again…especially after the show I didn´t listen to anything else anymore. Especially live videos of “Welcome Home Sanitarium” because of Antero playing it…

// Watched // A documentary about wolves in germany – at least episode one of that documentary. It is kinda an old documentary, from around 2001 – funny to see these old big computers and screens and everything, but besides this rather interesting. Though nothing I´d be calling too exciting and a must see.

// Read // Stuff about project management and project management again and…it is going to continue until 27th of this month in the afternoon until when I will be having finished my exams…

// Played// Scrabble! I hadn´t played it for like 10 years and never found fun in the whole back in the old days when I was younger, but this time and without counting points it was so much fun to play it with my boyfriend. Clearly is not gonna be the only time that I played it. I really should be playing more…

// Thought // That it is crazy how many memories a single line up change with Apocalyptica can bring back. That whole show with the line up from my beginning days with the band was just….it felt like being back in those years all of a sudden again. Being that little teenager that has fallen in love with them…

// Happy about // That my boyfriend joined me for the Apocalyptica concert as all of a sudden there were front row tickets available again. It really was important to me that he joins me somewhen because the band and their music is an essential part of my life.

// Angry about // Jealousy that seemingly is really common among fans. It´s not like it´s anything new to me, but it keeps on pissing me off. Why is it so hard to simply be happy for one another´s “achievements”? 

// Wished for // The Apocalyptica show to last forever because it´s still one of the most effective ways for me to really forget everything around me for how long it lasts. But also I wished for this whole hassle to be over with job applications, job interviews and that oral and written final exam. It is eating me up from the inside, it´s like the flame inside of me is getting smaller and smaller…

// Dreamt about // My boyfriend wanting to sing Carneval songs in my apartment and I told him it´s forbidden at my place and he didn´t care so I had to throw him out. I am not entirely sure how to interprete this except for me hating Carneval quite a bit xD



Restaurant: Soul Flavour

After my boyfriend and I had been swimming, we thought we could try out this restaurant because it was featured in a coupon book that often gives you reduced prices for dishes. I had never heard of the restaurant before, and somehow the outer view of the restaurant also was not too inviting – if I had been just passing by with no proper plan, I personally would have not entered.

But as we had planned this in advance, we went in and the staff was really friendly and sympathetic, I felt welcomed. Was a good start, though the interiour design was
odd. It was a wild mixture of colorful lamps with the restaurant´s logo, rather Spanish /Greek looking tables and dining table chairs…really not matching mixture of all different styles, that was kinda a disappointment as it hindered with having a certain atmosphere coming up.

The menu was presented with vinyl covers – it all looked rather used, and the menu was extremely short so there was not really too much to choose from, but it was easy

Pre-dish that we got – kind of thin bread with dried-tomato creme

to find something tasty sounding. And when it arrived, it also was tasty: Lamb tibs with injera as an addition. The amount of food was okay – the minimum that you could expect for the money I paid. To be fair, I hoped for it to be more, because I really wasn´t full afterwards, yet I had enjoyed the flavors of the not so common spices of this African dish. Also, and what I really liked, was how they brought it – on a little stove with a burning candle inside to have it warm…

You know, overall it clearly was okay and worth coming there, though I am not sure if I would really come back unless the menu grows and the portions also do…

Jarrestraße 60
22303 Hamburg


Hoop Lesson 6 (10.02.17) & Playtime (14.02.2017)

LESSON The song is coming to an end, my teacher said. At least something, as we just learned the very last move in the hoop since afterwards and for the rest of the song there is gonna be floorwork only left (not sure if that makes it any easier or not, I kinda dread floorwork anyways). I always look like an elephant trying to look delicate when I am doing floorwork. Nothing for me, really.

So the repetitions of what we already did went rather well, the usual struggles with the roll forward and afterwards getting back up again as I somehow cannot swing enough to get back up fully. And I have no idea what I am doing wrong or should be doing differently in order to really succees. This is also partially the case because my hoop tends to be too low and then I smack my foot onto the floor which does not make it any easier to be saying the least.

So yeah, that last move or rather position…I simply couldn´t get it working, it feels for me as if the worst move comes at the end of the choreography when I am not even having any power left anymore to really put strength into my muscles. Oh and, THIS is the position.

PLAYTIME I had actually planned on taking some shots of that latest hate move aka swining up after the roll forward as well as some shots of the linked position that I struggled with, but as both were not exactly working out as I had wanted them to, I ditched the plan. I didn´t feel like sharing halfway working poses, though it´s better than nothing.

Anyways, the roll forwards is working rather smoothly now, the fear is pretty much done, the stretching after the roll works fine and – yes, improvement – I now managed to have a 50/50 change to swing enough to get back onto the hoop again. Mostly look rather retarded and not smooth and elegant at all, but at least I get up, and that´s my main goal for now. But being clear, this 50/50 chance doesn´t exactly qualify me for being a part of the performance night unfortunately.

The linked position…well. from 1 out of 7 tries in the lesson I scoped up to it working somewhat in 2 out of 7 cases. And this is what worries and pisses me off a lot at the very same time. I am ambitions, and I cannot bring any self-patience along in such cases. I am frustrated, especially because I have no idea what I am doing wrong or what keeps me from getting it working. And that is the damned very last position in the hoop – it´s like stumbling and falling on a meter before the finish line…