When looking at the photo, You might think “wow, progress, she is going strong!”
But: let´s be honest right at the start – I am struggling. Hard time. I have a week where I am strict and doing fine, everything is in its borders and I feel amazing because I see progress and that even though I am having sweets.
And then there is weeks, or days, where I really am eating the whole day long, no matter what. If I come across something, I am eating it. It is like the binge eating that I did back in the days when I was frustrated or stressed. Right now, and for the past weeks, I have a really high stress level, let´s face it. In the mornings I need an energy drink to get going, and my body suggests it rather be something with sugar and no sugar replacement. I try with the sugar replacement for my energy drink, but then at my course there is sweets going around once it starts to be stressful or we do group work, and I am stressed. Big time. And then I eat. And immediately my brain suggests I shall eat even more, because it gave me a short time of pleasure.
A short time of happiness, which is bullshit in the long run – because then afterwards I start feeling guilty and I regret it mostly to have had those sweets. I eat them because I feel like needing them, and then this guilt is creeping up on me and making me even more stressed because I am ditching my plans of rarely having any sweets and I get frustrated and then feel this need for sweets even more.
It´s like a devil´s circle when it comes to sweets, but it is not only sweets. My body has no daily rhythm anymore, I have off days during the week at times, not even on the same days and at times not at all. I sleep differently every night time-wise, I therefore do not have stable eating times either anymore and this is probably the biggest problem in my life right now. Nothing is stable, and my mind might feel the urge to compensate that with something. Maybe. I have no idea to be honest, I feel clueless and even more helpless currently.
Because when I look at my body, I should be proud and motivated to go for it even more, but it is the opposite. I feel frustrated that you cannot see much muscles, that I am hardly losing any weight, that my weight bounces up and down extremely, and I don´t see the progress, nor do I manage my goals that I have in regards of weightloss. It all worked out so nicely at the start, and I really thought that I could make it down to those damned 65kg of healthy body weight, but I still have like 9kg left and that for so long already. And nothing seems to be doing the tricks, whilst I see everyone around me on the Weight Watchers community post their successes about losing so much more weight than I do in shorther time and looking beautiful. And then there is me, sitting here typing this, and feeling like needing to vomit all of these thoughts out onto you so they´re out of my system.
I always post photos of me looking well, showing progress, being proud of my body, but what´s still hidden behind is so little self-confidence in regards of my body (surely it has grown, but still), all the frustration and desperation of this goddamned weightloss process and all the hate I have for myself that it had come so far that I now have to do all this struggling. I mean let´s face it – during nighttime I even need to lock the goddamned kitchen door so I don´t feel tempted to just walk in there and get myself some nighttime snack. I simply am running out of ideas how to balance this whole better. And quite honestly, I am running out of energy.
I wanna be beautiful for myself, I wanna look good whilst doing my sports, I want to be the beautiful girlfriend next to my boyfriend (and I know he loves me and thinks I am so beautiful) and for all the people around me and I want my dear ones to be proud. And I feel like I cannot get all of this working.