Whilst writing this, I am sitting at my desk crying (well, when I was writing this entry). After yet another day where I´ve been writing application letters. Where I have spent hours on research, writing, rephrasing, trying to sell myself like store personnel is trying to sell their meat, clothes and other shit. And I try to sell myself, my skills, my personality and me as a “full package”.
I am doing/trying this since middle of September last year. This week I´ve written application number 50+ – because I have stopped counting. Around 35% of the companies receiving my applications want to talk to me, or have already had conducted one or more job interviews with me. And somehow still decided against me in the very end. Is it because I am a young female trying to work in the IT business? Is it because I am no fucking programmer or tech nerd and still want to be a project manager for projects with a technical background? Never mind me having certificates for agile project management and am a certified project management associate. Never mind that I am young, flexible and I want to really put my passion into my new job, I want to work with full force and full heart because I either give more than a 100% or don´t even start things.
As one company once wrote me, when saying they don´t want me in the end – “It is a joy to see with how much passion you talk about project management and how you would live such a position”. And yet I am not enough. Yet I am not worth a shot, not worth investing maybe some time or so to give me the skills I am still lacking. Why is noone thinkig that I would be worth giving a shot though people see I burn for my job?
When I started writing applications back then, I was – after the initial shock of being dismissed – self-confident and thought I´d kick ass pretty soon again in a new job because people would see that they need me. Months have passed by and this faded, doubts and fears replaced all the confidence I had. I know I´ve never been a champion at selling myself, as I have never been someone who wanted or intended to stand in the spotlight. I was an am happy to be the one pulling the strings in the background, making things work. I´ve always been the first one to question my progress, my work in order to improve. I always was and am loving to learn new things and dig deep, even if it means extra hours or whatnot. It´s essential for me, and I am not afraid to go into topics I have never touched before – I´ve done this so many times, I love exactly these challenges.
I always think that when I hear myself talking about stuff and others talking about me, that I should be an amazing candidate for jobs. I am flexible, I wanna learn, I have some experience and not only in the field of project management, I am totally open minded and communicative, I speak English fluently, I am polite, I am young…I just cannot understand why noone wants to give me a chance. They can kick me out after a while if they don´t think I´d fit for whatever reasons – but companies don´t even let me prove my skills and what I am capable of. I hate talking about me like you talk about godesses or shit like that, that´s simply not me.
I don´t get it. I don´t have the power anymore to fight – every application I send feels like…another step clother to the edge that is another “no” and results in even more downfalls. I wonder how long it´ll take until I deny my own skills and don´t believe in myself anymore at all…