Photos: Lübeck (07/2017)



Day X+326-330 – Eating!

17.07.2017 – Day X+326
My muscles are still crying. Loudly, visible.  Wanted to go to gym but…well, I postponed it – simply because the aching muscles over my rib cage still hurt so badly, that even breathing hurts. not mentioning my eternal struggle to get out of bed, bend down or anything…awful. And I already signed up for next year – but for the full distance!

18.07.2017 – Day X+327
I could be eating all day long, still. But it´s getting better, yet my aching muscles still feel terrible somehow. It starts to be annoying – how out of order is my body actually? I wanna go to gym and work out and…ah well, some more rest and getting fat…

19.07.2017 – Day X+328
Had two job interviews to master today, both went rather well I guess, but you never know what happens. It´s been a sunny day, time to chill at the harbour and have lunch there, tanning – well no not really, because my sunburn really would have not appreciated this. But to be honest I was happy once I was home and able to really relax…Well no, not fully relaxxing – after a stressful day you gotta get moving, and so I went for a run.  In slow speed hahaha

20.07.2017 – Day X+329
A day with cleaning up, washing dishes, doing laundry, going to gym and then also baking a little birthday cake for my boyfriend…with loads of chooclate and glittery unicorns as sugar decoration – full killer and overload of sweetness in both senses 😉
It´s been a busy but good day, and dropped into bed and immediately fell asleep, for a change!

21.07.2017 – Day X+330
Time with my bofriend again and this time it´s been to celebrate his birthday, so we met early, hade some gaming, laughing and areally loooong walk before we in the evening then went our fave Greek restaurant and  had a massive dinner. So yummie!

Music and live shows – drug or cure?

It´s 11pm and it´s weird that I am actually sitting here and typing these lines, as I am actually looking for posisble flights from Hamburg to Tallinn to maybe see Apocalyptica play a show there. It would be my 4th show this year of the guys – Hamburg, London, Deichbrand – and maybe Tallinn.

And oddly enough and probably one of the first times during all the past 12 years that I am actively following these guys, I wonder if it´s too much. If I am investing too much – too much time, money, passion, love, emotions. I wonder why seemingly three great shows are not enough for me anymore, why I seemingly always find THE reason why to attend a show.

In Hamburg I went there because it was in Hamburg and I didn´t want to miss out on the anniversary tour, I thought it would be hilarious to miss out on it even though I was not too fond of just hearing Metallica songs. And because I needed the contact, because I needed the music and I needed this time of inner peace during a time where I felt it was hard to find this peace.

In London I was because I wanted to treat myself for having passed my exams for my course, to be able to forget the hassle of the past months and to forget all the application writing that had been awaiting me. When I went to With Full Force festival, where it didn´t come to a show, I went there because my mind was storming, I felt like a loser and could have hardly been more depressed even though I didn´t show it. The storming continued and got worse, and I decided last second to go to Deichbrand festival – because I needed this inner stress to end, because I needed a break from daily life with all its struggles.

Now I know I have a job and will be working, and I tell myself the trip to Tallinn in november would be to “treat myself” whilst I somehow got the feeling it´s more of another time of fleeing from reality because I am scared of what my new job might bring. I claim it´s because Antero Manninen will most likely not be with the band after the tour again, that they might record a new album in 2018 and might not tour and a zillion of other hilarious reasons. I´ve survived this all not just once – Antero had left back in the days, and the guys recorded several new albums during the past years. I am still alive, no doubt. Any damage? Not sure. Hard to judge.

Drug? Addiction?
What kinda makes me think is that everyone is talking about addictions, things they do to “forget the world around them” and over all these years and for many reasons, I´ve been reading a lot about the reasons and signs of different kinds of addictions – internet, phone, TV, alcohol, drugs and and and.
But has anyone ever seriously been considering how music and also live concerts can be a drug (not including this one case that mad eits way into media)? You might not exactly be able to overdose and die, it might not bring you in hospital (unless you drop and fall n a moshpit and get stamped on) and it doesn´t kill necessary organs (if you´re deaf, you can still live, right?). That´s what the “real addictions” as many call them, do. And that´s why internet and TV and phone additions are often just laughed about still, even though it´ more and more getting “popular” and getting more attention.

So, why not music? Not live concerts? When I listen to my fave music, and if I am at a live show, I feel like the world could end tomorrow and I´d die with a smile, because I had a nice time right before. I have no problems, current problems and what the future might bring are irrelevant. It´s just me, right this moment, with this music and this band and nothing else counts. Literally. It´s like getting onto a trip, being high and at some point you fall and crash when everything is back to “normal” – when real life hits, when the show is over, when you have no idea when you get the next “dose” of what makes you feel so light and fearless. This is what we funniley enough call “post concert depression” or similar, it´s nothing uncommon, especially when you had a great time at a show. It´s that circle of: you feel bad, go to the show and feel amazing, feel even crappier than before, want more, spend more money on it, have more problems – and it repeats and repeats and repeats.

That´s the one side of it, let´s call it the “vicious” side of it.

But there is the “cure” side of it – I´ve been struggling with depressions, bad and light, since my teenage years and music has been – how I always felt (if that´s right or not, let´s simply not discuss this here) – the only stable thing and the only thing that I could invest my trust into. No, music is no person, yet it´s always there when you need it. Cds, vinyls, music Dvds, YouTube – you name it. I found myself in lyrics, found my pain, my struggles, my fears, my doubts, my anxieties – I had someone naming them by their bloody name, I had someone seemingly able to relate, knowing how it feels. No matter if it´s been Apocalyptica or any other band that I listen(ed) to. It felt good to be understood somehow, to know someone else was also struggling and fighting against the seemingly same demons as I myself.  It´s a sick attraction that builds up, you feel close to whoever writes these lyrics, sings them, gives them a voice, a tone, a “face”.

I always felt save with music, and also at shows – they are my safe haven, I know I have people around me who just love the music as much as I do, who relate to the music, who might even be in a similar position than me – who knows. I´ve met amazing people thanks to music and live shows, and I wouldn´t want to miss this at all. Because it´s a kind of family – not only the concert venue is like a “home”, but the fans seem like a big bounch of mates, and at times the band feels close, too – especially if they saw you grow up (e.g. I was just 15 years old when I first met Apocalyptica – now I am turning 28).

Music, the music I love, that I have a connection to, is the best medicine for me that doesn´t in return numb me down – it makes me bloody emotional to a point I might break down in tears, but it´s a relief because that then had to come out, it´s released and done and over with it. I always felt better. And all the music in return brings back amazing memories of concerts, of great times – and even those memories give strength, hope and always brought a smile back on my face. How much strength and hope concerts have given me in the past – there is no words to explain this.

An example was the US tour of Apocalyptica back in 2015 – I was at the bottom, I was depressed to an extend that I was hardly able to bear it anymore, was ready to quit my job because of several reasons and simply couldn´t cope anymore. The trip to the US was exhausting – physically, but especially mentally. I´ve been crying a like a baby – not at one show, not at two, not at three, no – at all four of them, Like a baby. During, partially after. And for once I didn´t give the smallest fuck if anyone saw me crying. All the pain that had piled up had to just get out of my system somehow – and music made this possible. It was painful, it was hard work. But it helped. It helped better than any medicine or other therapy could have ever helped me.

And then here we are…it´s about inner peace for me, to make my mind shut up and stop making up problems that are none – and music helps. Temporarily. So I run from one show to another, or at least feel the urge for it. And spend moe money on it than I would have ever imagined – I am close to 40 shows now, add on top of the tickets also traveling, accommodation, and groceries needed extra, fuel money, and and and. It´s a sum of money, whilst I would be out cheap if I would just shut up and take what the doctors would like to prescribe – isn´t it bitter? the easiest and somehow healthiest therapy is the one noone cares about…
I haven´t YET booked my flight and concert ticket…not yet…

The “x+” series will come to an end….

…and that is going to happen on August 15th.

Why? Well, it´s simple – today I received my contract for a new job as junior project manager in a digital agency. When I received the call at the start of the week, I couldn´t really believe it, and somehow it´s still unbelievable for me.

I´ve spent so many days unemployed, with aways bing rejected, that I still wait to be waking up from this dream or something to go terribly wrong so that I will still be standing there and in need of the job agency to pay me an amount of money that´s too little to live from and too much to die from 😉

Joking aside, I am happy and excited even though I might not yet seem like it – simply because there is so many fears that things could go wrong and then hopes would have been a wasted thing once again.

But still it gives me a feeling of security for the future, my anxities are become less and less – and I finally can find some peace and hopefully a successful future 😀

Apocalyptica @ Deichbrand Festival (23.07.2017)

I think I´ve never been that calm after having seen a show of Apocalyptica – it´s like the storm in my head has calmed down. That storm that started at With Full Force Festival, with all the shit that happened there thanks to the weather and the cancelled Apocalypica show that I needed so badly back then. Ever since I couldn´t get my mind to rest and to take the conclusion as introduction: my mind and heart are calm, and I feel relieved. The curse of the festival weather was broken 😉

It all started with a last minute idea to attend the festival – it came the day before when going home from my boyfriend´s place. And then it all started, to try and get things sorted out somehow – I got things sorted with some help, yet there was that 5% chance that things might not work out as planned. 95% safe, 5% risk. 5. Percent. Risk. Flashback to With Full Force Festival, and I saw everything again, and felt like it was too high of a risk. I was insecure, my brain was shouting “no no no no do not book a car and go”. Once again I ignored my mind and booked the car, telling myself it would be just justice that everything will be working out.

You have no idea how terribly bad I slept during the night, once I had fallen asleep I had fun with odd and creepy nightmares, that made me wonder if it was a good idea to actually plan on going. And my doubts grew when I woke up – to rain hitting heavily on my windows, when I heard the growling of the thunder. It was 7am, and I felt the panic in me growing again. I quickly packed my last things together and without having had a breakfast I went to pick up the car – got a nicely sized one again, fought with my GPS and then got going.

The car ride was bloody hell – from blue sky and no clouds to dak dark and heaviest rain ever within minutes – and that rain started within seconds, you literally drove your 150kmh and booom, wall of rain, you didn´t even see anymore where the car ahead was – if there even was one? Scary as hell, luckily not the first time I experienced something like this. But man I was so happy when I was finally at the place where I had to pick up my wristlet…adn then boom, they couldn´t find my name. My heart skipped several beats. In the end they still found me, but you can not even come close to imaging how I felt and how the other people, who did not have that problem, looked at me. As if I was trying to whore myself into the festival -.-´ I was so relieved when I had this wristband around my hand, it was just unbelievable…

Then drove to find a parking lot – didn´t end up in quite a parking lot, but alongside a street – as long as the car survived, it´s all good. Just the walk to the festival area was a bit annoying but still less long than expected. It was just…muddy. And it didn´t get any better on the infield, but I couldn´t bother as the day started with the band “Russkaja” – always an entertaining way to start into a festival day- fun music, a lot of chance to move…fun time 😀

There I noticed that half a protein bar was not enough food so afterwards I went some food hunting and ended up with a tarte flambee…sooog ood, together with some sugary Coca Cola and I was ready for what was still to come.

Some Australian band was then playing before Apocalyptica´s slot on that stage and well – if you take unmotivated people, dressed as if they had just fallen out of bed and were there just for the beer, you could imagine those dudes and how they looked and acted on stage.

The singer could´ve been having a nice voice and stuff, he was just adding a little effort at least. But nope. Spent the time to go to the loo and then rush back to secure a frontrow spot for Apocalyptica – I surely ain´t gonna stand anywhere

but frontrow hahahaha It was fun to see the guys and everything being set up, the guys checking the stage and the crowd…and seeing them was like coming home.

And it was even more like that once the show started, even though being surrounded by fans of this shitty rapper called Cro was, excuse my wording, probably the most awful thing ever for me.

No surprise that I then ended up being filmed for the livestream whilst headbanging, as at the beginning the crowd was really not up for it – it improved over time, but still it was rather

disappointing I think.What kinda made me realize how amazing Apocalypticaonly shows are – of course they played “Nothing else matters” again and no matter how hard I try or what I do, I have the images of my cousin´s funeral in front of my inner eyes.

And I cry, of course. Whilst during Apo shows peopleat least ask if I am okay, or randomly and strangers hug me, noone gave a fuck this time. I have never felt so alone in between so many people.

But overall…and even though I had hoped to hear “Welcome Home Sanitarium” and  was disappointed to not have heard it, I loved every damned second of this show. Peace of mind, forgetting everything around me, forgetting my usualy daily life, all worries, all fears, all problems…it means feeling free to me. And it once again showed me how much healing music can do.


…that does not apply to music that you dislike, though. And because two rappers followed on Apocalyptica running order wise and only really late in the evening there´d be acts that would be a “nice to have”, I decided after a little drink (non-alcoholic) and rest to get going and drive home. And that was a good decision, as a part of the road was blocked off and I had to drive through zillions of little towns before being able to go onto the highway again…annoying and really tising, also due to the always changing weather conditions.

Back in Hamburg I decided to immediately return the car to be able to sleep in the day after – and it all went quick and smooth, caught the bus right after going to the stop and after a hot bath and a tasty ordered pizza, I dropped into bed. Happy. Calm. Relieved.

Day X+321-325 – How to be a tough mudder?

12.07.2017 – Day X+321
Crappy weather, no motivation, but having Tough Mudder coming up, I forced myself into gym and really powered through it in the end – I was pretty much dead afterwards, but felt so much better than before!

13.07.2017 – Day X+322
There are days where things just don´t work. I woke up feeling stomach sick and with stomach crampy, so I spent the day with my hot water bottle – with editing photos, buying soccer tickets and…that´s been it pretty much.

14.07.2017 – Day X+323
I picked up the car that I needed to go to Tough Mudder, and then did drink shopping and bought everything that is heavy so I could load it into the trunk of the car and only had to carry it up to the apartment…that was a good load of work, and then immediately after I decided to go to IKEA and get myself some things that I really needed – and that was nicely quick compared to using public transport…

15.07.2017 – Day X+324
Well, you know how my Tough Mudder Half day went and what I experienced – the day ended with me waiting for nearly 1,5 hours for my Asian takeaway – I was so damned angry, literally hangry. You have no idea how all of a sudden I was craving food after hardly any hunger feeling for the whole day…

16.07.2017 – Day X+325
Main challenge of the day? Getting out of bed. Making it to the fridge and to the couch. And man, I was done, all of my muscles in my body were stiff…the most terrible one was actually on my abs on height of my ribs…every move hurt, everything. And the night had been terrible, too – because I didn´t know how to sleep thanks to sunburn and bruises…totally dead.

Tough Mudder Half – Northern Germany (15.07.2017)

To be honest, I didn´t exactly have the best of nights leading into the day – I was simply too nervous to fall asleep properly and it took me ages until I finally slept. And then I had been dreaming loads of bullshit, which I cannot recall in detail anymore, and I think it´s better this way.

And then the time from getting up to the planned driving-start passed by so fast that you could really say it was flying by…I don´t now where it went. Quickly hopped into the car and withdrew some cash in case I needed some and then was on my way to Hof Severloh in Hermannsburg (aka in the middle of nowhere). The drive there was…interesting – the inbuilt GPS from the car was somehow useless as I couldn´t enter the place and needed to switch to my phone, where I luckily had saved the address as well – I am prepared as fuck, you know.

And through many little towns, and many little streets (and beautiful nature and places where I´d somehow love to live) I made my way to the parking lot – of course not in the time that google had estmated but who on earth believes in these times anyways?! If I

would have not been so nervous I would have stopped so many times to take photos…but well, all I knew was I wanted to arrive because being right on the spot usually makes me more relaxed. But it didn´t. I got even more nervous xD

I checked in and at first got a wrong starting number and ended up with a number for the full round and not just for the half version

that i wanted to run and had to change it again…was somehow annoying and stressed me a lot in this moment but well…I was there early, and decided for myself that I was gonna start earlier than the suggested starting time because the waiting would have killed me.

But then things went differently – I met two girl in the changing area and figured out that they were also supposed to be starting at 1pm like me – also doing their first tough mudder half. So We joined together and I met also

the rest of their group that ran the full course. It was a great feeling to not be alone anymore, and our little team felt good and proved good, as well!

The run itself…let´ go through it step by step – you will find an example video in brackets after every obstacle name:

The running itself – no problem at all, and I was really surprised that my left leg that had been bitching for ages before, really made no problems at all and it didn´t really feel like 11km at all. Maybe due to the obstacles in between, but it could also be just that the ground was so soft that it was nicer for the joints to be running there.

Kiss of mud 2.0 (video) – To be honest, it looked scarier before than it actually was, I didn´t even get close to the wires with my butt, I only ripped off my starting number half-way because I didn´t lift up my belly enough hahaha xD

Brett vorm Kopf (video) – A rather easy start into the “let´s climb walls”, even though I didn´t get ove rthere alone either…I tried but somehow my brain said “you will not make it” and then I couldn´t make it, of course…that one really has been a brain issue more than a strength issue…

Mud Mile 2.0 (video) – Easy peasy, nice and muddy, a bit slippery but not really tough and a good thing to do to not put so much weight onto the muscles for once 😉

Creek Crusade(s) – Water, cold water. About 4°C cold water, height varying. Sometimes it was an easy walk through, sometimes it was that you actually had to swim through a little lake. Less terribly than it sounds like, it nicely cooled the bruises but also cooled out the muscles in the legs especially which was a bit problematic for me…

Birth Canal (video) – I´ve never been thinking or considering that I could be claustrophobic, but hello, here we go. Having these masse sof water pushing me on the ground made me nearly freak out and bring me close to tears, especially the later metre was pure hell – and that even though it was open to one side…jeeeeez, terrible.

Berlin Walls (video) – yet anotehr obstacle where I really felt like being small is at times really shitty…my arms felt too short, but I had some nice British/Irish (?) lads to push me up. And that´s what makes it amazing, you just help where you can, no matter what!

Drecksloch 2 – Hm, to be honest – I really cannot remember it anymore, seriously. I cannot recall it, but then it cannot be too spectacular at all or have been difficult xD

Holz vor der Hütte (video) – actually I had been looking forward to carrying a junk of wood but a dude thought I needed something small, so I carried a hilariously small piece of mood…nope, I was not satisfied. But at least it was an easy obstacle xD

Huckepack – Carrying one of the girls from my team on the back wasn´t really tough, I

found it worse when I had to be carried. I really dislike that feeling, it´s a classical trust issue xD

The Hangover (video) – I really wish I was having enough bounciness in my body to jump high enough and then push myself up to get over it without any help..I felt so clumsy, and it made me so upset…it´s not even damned high it just sucks…I mean with help it went quick but I really wished that I could´ve done that on my own…

Pyramid Scheme (video) – the most painful obstacle for me. It´s a pyramid looking like obstacle where you need to get to the top, and that you can only manage with help of fellow people…and I was nearly up there twice and fell hard, both

times onto my left ellbow, once i ripped down even some guy that I tried to grab to stop me from falling, and…I was really scared as fuck and didn´t want to do any obstacle anymore after this…but I kept going…

Blockness Monster (video) – the first thing coming to my mind as a memory is the sign saying “1.50m water depth” – the fact it was at least 1,70m is another story, and that got me panicked first when I jumped in, expecting to have ground under my feet. Besides this, nothing too difficult, even though changing position when on top didn´t quite work for me, so I was diving into the water, wuhuuu!

Everest 2.0 (video) – probably the toughest and most difficult obstacle for me, also because my mind just was full of blockades and the fear of falling onto my left ellbow again. But after 4 tries I made it up, trying to get the last bits of power in legs and arms and grabbing a hand reaching out for me, getting a leg up to be grabbe and then just hold on and try to make it as easy for everyone as possible to get me up there the last meter…I was really over my limits, and just so relieved I made it.

Afterwards I waited with the girls for the rest of the team, had some chats, took some photos and then wanted to go and take a shower. Well, shower.

The icy cold water was nothing like a shower, you really had an additional obstacle there. Terrible, and you couldn´t get the dirt off anyways – so next time either something has to be changed or I will not even bother to shower.

The drive home was all good, still high on adrenaline I didn´t really feel all the pain that then came afterwards…

Conclusion? Fuck yes, first and clearly not the last time. Already signed up for the full version of the run for next year!

Photos: The New Black (2016) / Monolyth (2016) / Mors Principum Est (2016)








Day X+317-320 – Work. Out.

08.07.2017 – Day X+317
After two days of workout, it´s been a day to rest and I made the mistake to fully inform myself about all the madness that´s going on in Hamburg and that all day long… in the end I needed videos of puppies and kittens because it dragged down so much…

09.07.2017 – Day X+318
Gym time again – I mean, I cannot do anything else anyways as the chaos in Hamburg just slowly fades out, and somehow…I have to get back on track with my running, and this damned interval training is annoying the hell out of me – but it has to be done as I need to be able to run without pain during the Tough Mudder Half next week…but it´s gonna work, somehow. I m working on it and on my general fitness, and it is frustrating to see how bad my general fitness has become even though I was doing hoop all the time…

10.07.2017 – Day X+319
Muscles aching from hell, but that´s not keeping me from anything. First my physiotherapist tortured me, and then I tortured myself at gym again because it was either today or tomorrow, and I thought to go for it now that I have at least some willpower left…so it was workout again, but this time more or less only cardio training because my legs hurt from the strength training on Sunday…

11.07.2017 – Day X+320
Restday for my body when it comes to sports, and it´s been a good decision because my leg is still not fully back even though I give my best with the interval training…but listening to the body is essential, and that´s what I did. And instead had a nice relaxed evening with my boyfriend…after the meeting-free weekend thanks to G20, it was about time…

Cooking: Pasta with zucchini and trout

Cooking book: Best of Erfolgsrezepte
Publisher: Weight Watchers

Estimated time: n/a
Actual time: 15min

Difficulty: 1/10
Amount: 1 person
Price per person: ~3€

It´s one of those tasty but extremly easy and quick meals, that even fit into my weight watchers budget (if you plan ahead at least). The strout I had bout was, nevertheless, not the perfect pick I made, next time I will buy a different kind of it in a different store, as I had so much fun to get rid off all those massive fishbones even before assembling the meal. Generally, I changed the recipe a bit, as I dislike cucumber and therefore used zucchini – at least the look is the same, but taskes far better this way I think.

So yeah I would say it´s a nice meal for after gym during summer when you really don´t want something heavy to drag you all down.