Me vs university

Lately I´ve been asked pretty often if it was great for me to be learning again, now that I was studying for my master´s degree that I just started end of August. So now it´s been 1,5 months and people seemingly expect me to be all excited and all over the place with happiness.

Well, reality looks different – as I have to face certain things and issues that somehow I didn´t quite saw coming or happily ignored whilst deciding that I want to study again,  applying for the studies and starting my studies. It all seemed so easy  – I mean, I work fulltime, sure, but I have plenty of freetime. I thought.

I forgot about the fact that after 8 hours of work, occasionally needing to do grocery shopping and once being home and having eaten, motivation is something that I could rather buy in the stores than find it with me, and inside my head.

I love learning, no doubt – but not at 8pm and later on during the week, with time pressure of knowing that I cannot take too long for assignments as I need to be in the office the next morning again. It kills the fun, it kills the interest in long texts that actually are exciting to read and about topics that I enjoy reading about – if I have the time and capacity to actually be properly reading instead of skimming through the pages as quick as possible with just an eyes for what information you gotta grasp in order to fulfill the tasks. It´s not about learning as the big picture. You, or well, at Least I, learn how to efficiently run through texts and get the minimum out of there in order to somehow pass the tasks. Not less, not a tiniest bit more.

Also because I don´t have the power for it – I am simply mentally exhausted when I leave the office and only physical stuff like working out (where I don´t need my head that much) actually is an option. So once I sit on the couch, it´s kinda over. Or if I find something that qualifies as nice thing to do in order to not do any studing (my kitchen is so clean, it´s fascinating already).

What I also somehow ignored beforehand…how much effort it needs, how many tasks there are and what the extend of those assignements cover. It´s at least twice as much as I had expected, so I am not getting along with my “max. 2-3 hours once a week on a Monday” in order to get things done. Either I am terribly slow or things are complex – okay, I have to say that I try to get things done as early as possible already now that I have little courses, simply because I need to also do that when I will have more than this now as courses during the next semester. And I don´t even wanna think about next semester with even more courses.

Because – as I mentioned, I still have my sports and the training for my half marathon and all my mud obstacles runs next year and I really need it because it´s the best thing to clear the mind after a stressful day at work – and cutting this down is no option. And I have my relatio nship that of course wants to be nurtured and taken care of, and I need time to myself for doing…nothing. Oh and I also have a sewing machine that is catching dust aready, just as my 15 unread books are also catching more and more dust. I really don´t know how to handle everything and put everything into one week as I do not have someone taking care of my house chores and grocery shopping in oder to save time.

Do I sound desperate? If not – man I am an amazing actress. If I do – it´s how I am at the moment. Like, desperate. Already now, after 2 weeks of 3 years of studies ahead. With working 40h a week. I have no idea how this all is supposed to be from success in the end without me burning out. And I am jealous of those people, who easily manage 40h a week of work, studies and hobbies without feeling like a hamster permanently running in a wheel that´s only supposed for sprinting.