(written on Sunday, January 7th)
It´s funny how my blog shifted from day to day reports to sports, more sports, travel reports and concerts – and nothing about my daily life anymore.
And that´s why I am kinda writing about life in this entry – like, whatever comes to my mind right now, as my mind is always teribly active. Sometimes even too active, still resulting in overly worrying and sleepless nights.
Sometimes I worry about the most hilarious things – never finding a partner again and dying alone (it´s not like I am just 28 right now). but often this anxieties show when it comes to my work life. It´s going well – surely there are some hickups, stones on my path, but nothing I could not handle and no match I couldn´t win. And still I am terribly afraid that my company might lay me off for whatever reasons, that I was not good enough, that I was not what they had been looking for in the end. And no talks with my supervisor can actually erase these fears – surely it does make those fears smaller, but they´re there. And even though I try to keep it out of my office days, I sometimes feel them sneaking in through the back door and then coming over me. But anyways, in middle of February my trial period is going to be over and I hope my fears will become again a bit less than, that I will be feeling saver than I am feeling now. As such, I enjoy my job, the daily madness, the learning through extra tasks – that´s just so essential.
I still love learning, and having “killed” my master studies is still something that is nagging me. I am frustrated that I couldn´t manage to keep it going even though I know that it´s been the right decisin. It´s not been the right time to start studies, right next to being new in my job. But I am pretty certain that one day during the next year or so will be the day, where I will start digging into real distance learning options – once I can also finance that (approx. 400€ per month) because right now I am still trying to save up as much money as possible. That fear of unemployment and living on very little money again is still too big – though I am improving in letting go of this fear, too.
I feel like spending too much money until summer though – pure madness when it comes to concerts: Versengold twice in February (Bremen and Leipzig), Apocalyptica in Glasgow in March and then on top of all this madness: holidays in Abu Dhabi in May!
And no, it´s not been an easy decision for me to invest that money for 9 days Abu Dhabi, it´s been taking a long time for me to really book that trip. Because what I pay is a ton of money, and it felt like too much. But in the end I thought: I can invest that money into this amazing time to see a totally different world and culture. To go into the warmth and suck up sun after this terribly dark winter that feels like it´s neverending.
This winter – really, it´s taking the rest of me. It´s feeling as if it´s the darkest, most rainy and neverending winter ever. I hardly have seen the day for months, and I started taking Vitamin D pills in order to regain a bit of energy. I am still so low on energy, and feel permanently tired and exhausted and like sleeping 24-7. My mood is low, I am battling depressive phases that once are lighter and once worse.
And if they´re worse, all I wanna do is eat – that also reflects on my weight, I am up to a weight that does not make me happy anymore even though I am counting calories and am mostly in a calorie deficit and do so much sports. Maybe it´s the stress, or whatever – I don´t know, I am cluelless and disappointed with myself mostly. I am upset. I have 5kg more on my body again compared to my lowest during my whole weightloss jouney and I have no idea what turned the switch from rather easy weightloss to these problems…but I will keep going with counting calories and my sports anyways!
So…have I missed out on anything…YES – Vikings is back on for quite a while and I am still so in love with this series and I hate this torture to be waiting from Thursday to Thursday. It feels like ages, years, centuries…and it´s still THE series for me, even though the German series / soap “Alles was zählt” is still part of my daily evening routine when it comes to series that I am watching 😉