You don´t look like you´re doing bad

You don´t really look like you´re doing that bad […] be happy your blood test results are all good and you are health!
[My doctor]

Sounds okay at first, doesn´t it? And I´ll be honest – it could be worse. I could have cancer, some hidden inflammation or what not – but my blood tests all came back perfectly well and shuld make me positive.

If there was not one thing: feeling exhausted and tired all the time, having a mind that never gets to rest, hardly ever feeling happy for months. And that all goes along with many more symptoms, bodily symptoms. Tiredness, feeling permanely like not having slept, like being a hamster in a wheel, dizziness attacks and sudden shaking (yay, panic attacks)- but you know, I am healthy. I am supposed to be happy. It doesn´t matter f all of this makes me feel like being only half a human, that it kills my concentration, makes me frustrated, depressed and even more stressed out.

But my doctor just saw a person with a fake smile on her face, because I´ve learnt that this is the way to go. That´s how I go through my day most of the times, only few moments where the smile is an honest one – mostly it hides the exhaustion and the wish to just be alone. She heard me laugh, a desperate short laugh, because I was noticing that she wasn´t really understanding me anyways. For me, it sadly wasn´t even surprising. She fulfilled that cliche of: you are just depressed, get your shit together and get over it. Well, if it was one of my hobbies, fine – but I haven´t really chosen that shit. And if then someone comes to me and tells me that I am not looking that bad and that she is sure that I just make it worse than it is.

Sure, I make it worse when I sit at my desk and out of no apparent reason I start to shake, my vision blurs and I feel lik epassing out every second. Sure, nothing happened, no problems. If you have someone not taking you serious when you finally get the strength to actually go and talk with someone about it. When you got the strength that you crawled out of the safety corner and stated: yes, I need help, I acknowledge that.

And all of that in times where it should be accepted as an illness like any other chronic illness someone can have – but seemingly some people are still so narrowminded, that you need to look like dying that they believe you are mentally done. And that frustrates me so bad, there is no words for that. Just because I am not wearing a damned cast around my head/mind/heart/soul – it still hurts. It really does. And yes, the mind does affect the body, sure. It´s one. One all together – so my body reacts to when I feel all full of anxiety and fears and everything…

Sorry for this ranting post – I had to get it off my chest – because even though it´s happened nearly  a week ago, it still bothers me. And makes me angry.

Over and out. Off to better and nicer topics!

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