Weight Watchers & Weightloss

When looking at the photo, You might think “wow, progress, she is going strong!”

But: let´s be honest right at the start – I am struggling. Hard time. I have a week where I am strict and doing fine, everything is in its borders and I feel amazing because I see progress and that even though I am having sweets.

And then there is weeks, or days, where I really am eating the whole day long, no matter what. If I come across something, I am eating it. It is like the binge eating that I did back in the days when I was frustrated or stressed. Right now, and for the past weeks, I have a really high stress level, let´s face it. In the mornings I need an energy drink to get going, and my body suggests it rather be something with sugar and no sugar replacement. I try with the sugar replacement for my energy drink, but then at my course there is sweets going around once it starts to be stressful or we do group work, and I am stressed. Big time. And then I eat. And immediately my brain suggests I shall eat even more, because it gave me a short time of pleasure.

A short time of happiness, which is bullshit in the long run – because then afterwards I start feeling guilty and I regret it mostly to have had those sweets. I eat them because I feel like needing them, and then this guilt is creeping up on me and making me even more stressed because I am ditching my plans of rarely having any sweets and I get frustrated and then feel this need for sweets even more.

It´s like a devil´s circle when it comes to sweets, but it is not only sweets. My body has no daily rhythm anymore, I have off days during the week at times, not even on the same days and at times not at all. I sleep differently every night time-wise, I therefore do not have stable eating times either anymore and this is probably the biggest problem in my life right now. Nothing is stable, and my mind might feel the urge to compensate that with something. Maybe. I have no idea to be honest, I feel clueless and even more helpless currently.

Because when I look at my body, I should be proud and motivated to go for it even more, but it is the opposite. I feel frustrated that you cannot see much muscles, that I am hardly losing any weight, that my weight bounces up and down extremely, and I don´t see the progress, nor do I manage my goals that I have in regards of weightloss. It all worked out so nicely at the start, and I really thought that I could make it down to those damned 65kg of healthy body weight, but I still have like 9kg left and that for so long already. And nothing seems to be doing the tricks, whilst I see everyone around me on the Weight Watchers community post their successes about losing so much more weight than I do in shorther time and looking beautiful. And then there is me, sitting here typing this, and feeling like needing to vomit all of these thoughts out onto you so they´re out of my system.

I always post photos of me looking well, showing progress, being proud of my body, but what´s still hidden behind is so little self-confidence in regards of my body (surely it has grown, but still), all the frustration and desperation of this goddamned weightloss process and all the hate I have for myself that it had come so far that I now have to do all this struggling. I mean let´s face it – during nighttime I even need to lock the goddamned kitchen door so I don´t feel tempted to just walk in there and get myself some nighttime snack. I simply am running out of ideas how to balance this whole better. And quite honestly, I am running out of energy.

I wanna be beautiful for myself, I wanna look good whilst doing my sports, I want to be the beautiful girlfriend next to my boyfriend (and I know he loves me and thinks I am so beautiful) and for all the people around me and I want my dear ones to be proud. And I feel like I cannot get all of this working.

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Day X+51/52/53 – Shit, no creative headline

 

Found on of my waks around Hamburg last week

End of the week, finally – with Day X+51 (15.10.2016) I was hitting the Saturday and therefore it was time for quality time with my boyfriend and doing nothing but relaxing and curling up on the couch. But hey, we did give going for a walk a try – but the weather was not really willing to support our decision and it started drizzling after a while, so we rather quickly returned again. A pity, because the temperature was rather nice a for a change, but being in Hamburg, this whole weather issue in autumn shouldn´t even be surprising me anymore but still…I am still waiting for miracles to happen when it comes to this.

I dropped the hopes for a new job though, there is still quite a few companies that received my application but did not even bother to let me know that they received it more than two weeks ago. And this is something that really pisses me off because it´s so fucking inpolite. someone put effort and time into writing it, and then noone cares…well, cheers. I hope you are not going to find the right person for your position at all.

Day X+52 (16.10.2016) – My back was hurting, but whatever, as long as I am not alone it oesn´t matter…afterwards, I just noticed my back pain. Maybe I slept oddly or did some weird movement, who knows. But at least I had a night of proper sleep, without scary dreams and cases of death wrapped in those dreams…and I promised myself to kick my own butt again to make more sports and get my proper eating going again so at last I will be losing a little bit of weight before the end of the year, hopefully.

maybe this has become my main goal to look out for, so I am at least successful at something – hopefully I will be. Maybe. urghs. I am just so not motivated for anything anymore, except for sleeping and cuddling and doing nothing particularily.

The start into my “all week for myself” week, starting with Day X+53 (17.10.2016). After last week I really need time to myself, with working out, and reading and just not having much to do for a change. I will still need to do certain things, but it is far from packed. Tomorrow e.g. I will start learning for my Scrum exam, because there is still quite some things to be done before taking the actual exam. But no pressure, all I wanna do is take the exam somewhen this week, nothing more or less.

The weather is pretty depressing, so getting my 10.000 steps together was a tough challenge but I made it, though being bothered by a back ache that even didn´t fully disappear after some gymnastics and warm-lotion. Generally, I feel pretty empty and like I cannot really bother about anything right now. Great side effects from last week and all the weeks before.

Day X+37/38/39 – Hello October!

Taken in 2012

Day X+37 (01.10.2016)
Out of Hamburg, in Lüneburg, with my boyfriend – for (window) shopping, walking around, photographing a bit and watching “Finding Dory” in the movies. And it was a perfect day, ignoring the grey weather.

Getting out of Hamburg was really important for me, seems like only then I can fully relax right now. And in Lüneburg we got a lot of nice city center style (old houses wherever you look!) and there was some medieval stuff going on on this weekend – we had the perfect timing! We walked and walked and walked…man my feet and legs were tired in the evening, it was hilarious. But breathing was so much better, and my cold at least pretended to have gotten much better – probably because the air just is a different quality than here in the big city.

I ended up buying a little baking book for apple pies and related, it was really chep and had nice things in there, maybe I will be baking a bit soon ^^ then some sweets and here and there some things before we went to see “Finding Dory” and…I became a little girl again. So adorable and sad and cute and awwwwwwwww. I hadn´t been in the movies for ages and then loveseat, with my bf, a cute and adorable movie…totally in love and…perfect 😀

Day X+38 (02.10.2016)
It´s been, after my boyfriend left, all about cleaning and getting stuff done and so my mood dropped rapidly. It was fascinating to watch in some way, though yeah – it sucked because I really felt so good and happy and everything.

But after I was alone again, I was back in this “don´t care, don´t wanna move”-mood again that lately it following me like a dark cloud. But I got my stuff mostly done anways, and also wrote an application for a job offer that had just been posted. I planned on not writing any for a week, but these things, meaning: job ads that sound amazing, are things I cannot let pass by…probably I will never fully get out of this hamster wheel feeling, but I really gotta make tiny steps to finally be able to relax again after the Lüneburg trip had such a good effect on me…

Day X+39 (03.10.2016)
I woke up being totally unmotivated. I think I have never had this “unmotivated”-feeling as bad as today. So it was a day full of watching useless TV whilst being curled up in a blanked, cooking a bit, baking a bit, playing Sims for a while, reading a  book, and loads of staring at the computer without really knowing what to do.

The weather also was not too inviting to go outside for a walk and I was tired, so the insides were my kingdom for the day. And I was hungry. A lot. I don´t know where this shit now comes from again, but maybe because of all the slime-loosening meds…totally frustrating and annoying and making me worry about even one thing more. Worrying has become a hobby for me, unfortunately. About my future, my health, my weight, everything. It´s a good friend nowadays -.-

Always on Sunday (10)


October already, and since yesterday I am officially unemployed and not anymore “searching for employment”…yeah there is a difference here, I know, retarded.

But the week was rather filled with being sick and unable to do a thing, yet it being a positive week with having grown older once again and getting looooads of amazing attention and everything, it was what I needed.

// Seen // My boyfriend and I went to the movies this week to watch “Finding Dory”, kinda part 2 of “Finding  Nemo”. Back in the days I found “Finding Nemo” so adorable and cute that this really was so adorable and cute and weeeeeeeh 😀 I really do not know why  there´s many pages giving the movie a bad rating, because it is done really nicely and surely does speak to the target audience. I personally even think there is quite some deeper sense in the story and in what is said and done in there, I might be overinterpreting, but anyways. This movie has what it needs – the cuteness factory, a story, a lot of times where to simply laugh…

// Listened to // TV series. Hardly any music, I hardly even opened my Spotify account simply because I was hardly on the computer. Being sick and computers don´t go well together, you know…

// Done // Very few applications, a lot of relaxing, and editing some photos and trying to finish up some things and failing…mostly I spent the week with sleeping and trying to recover by drinking tea, taking some meds and wtaching stupid TV series…

// Eaten // At my fave restaurant called “Mongo´s” – there´s several of those around Germany, and I can just totally recommend you to go and try it. Also, I ate sweets – probably too many but at times it is hard to resist, you know…

// Thought // I am living healthier than eve rbefore, yet my body seems to be hating more than ever before…

// Happy about // My birthday with all its wishes and presents and especially the one day trip to Lüneburg with my boyfriend – going for walks, window shopping and watching “Finding Dory” in the movies. It really was a perfect day, and it felt amazingly good to forget about feeling sick and rather weak and just having good air and finally being able to clear my mind…

// Read // Again some things about CVs and job interviews and all of this, nothing new for me though what I read. Plan for the coming week is to finally grab a proper book and get some serious reading going. I just need to make this first step to get the silence and the relaxing going on.

// Angry about // Actually nothing. I know this might come as a big surprise, but this week´s positive things overweighted the negative stuff of me being sick and everything. Doesn´t happen too often lately, but this is somehting to work on. Being angry will not really change much anyways…

// Wished for // Not being sick anymore, but I am still struggling even though it is going uphill pretty well. But carrying the cold around with me is really exhausting and tiring and really destroyed many plans, so I just hope it is over soon and that in general my health will soon be improving as a whole and not just in regards of my cold.

// Dreamt about // My boyfriend. A lot lately. It´s nice to have him around at nighttime, even though it often is “just” in the shape of dreams.

// Bought // Sweets. And food. (well, it kinda is the same, shame on me – I really need to change my eating habits again) And a sweet grey pullower with stars, and ordered some necessary things on Amazon like a trash bin, towels and a rack for cleaned dishes…now I finally have the time to think about these things that I should´ve ordered already ages ago…

// Clicked // A few homepages of candidates off the German series of “In the lions´ den”, on young entepreneurs searching for investment. And there is quite some interesting stuff being presented – like this low carb pizza dough “Lizza” or, also really fancy and interesting, but due to the pre-packed combinations nothing for me yet, frooggies  which is dried and then powdered fruits.

// Statement of the week // “No memory, no problems.” (Hank, off the movie “Finding Dory”)

Day X+34/35/36 – Loved

One of my sweet presents

Today (X+36)…36 days have passed since I started this. And today is the first full day of me being 27. And unemployed. Man this sounds desperate xD And I am clearly not feeling desperate at all, because yesterday was just beautiful. I am still not really full fit or back to healthy, but I am on a good way, luckily. Thanks to all the resting I did and will still be doing today – couch, hot tea, hot bath, some meds, a lot of vitamins, no sports (yes, that´s really tough for me). So a rather boring day and nothing really to tell, except for me being grump because I´d love to finish up my masses of photos and such things…but being at the computer just isn´t good as I already notice whilst typing this.

Yesterday (X+35) – my birthday. And well, i opened the first postcards and presents at 4am because I somehow wasn´t able to fall asleep anymore so I thought I could use my time wisely – and it really did the trick, having unwrapped and being happy, I fell asleep pretty quickly when back to bed again. During the day I did…nothing (except for getting a new bandage around my tortured toe haha). Resting time to be fit fir the evening and going out with my boyfriend to my fave restaurant again. And I was so glad, that my sense of taste was still totally normal, only my nose and ears were partially blocked. So the evening was really sweet, and I was just happy and though I before was already happy, this evening just made it perfect!
Thanks to everyone for messages, calls, presents, attention, everything ❤

And then there was the 28th of September, (X+34) and I was so down because I was feeling really sick still and was worried everything was going to fall apart because of me not being heathy enough to do anything on my birthday. This really was tearing me apart, just the damned thought of it. Because I was already frustrated of having had to reschedule my job interviews for the week, and I was sat alone and lonely and was just down. And then this fear…oh boy. But I somehow still stumbled across a nice job offer, and even though it was a real struggle, I applied for it. I just cannot fully rest, it seems…but I must do so…

Day X+31/32/33 – Down to the sickness

I really hope I didn´t mess up the counting, always tricky when you need to catch up – and even worse when your brain is all stuffed with slimey shit. Why? I am struck down with a bad cold and can hardly talk since I woke up this morning (Day X+33).

Shitty timing as I would have had a job interview today and tomorrow, but had to postpone those – at least the HR people were nice and understanding that it wouldn´t make sense to do the talks now when I am being sick. I just really hope I will be back to health, at least more or less, on Thursday when it is gonna be my birthday. Because it is planned to go out with my boyfriend for dinner and nothing will fucking dare to destroy this plan…Today I didn´t do a think except for struggling my way to the pharmacy and back, and then being in bed and on the couch all day long – with loads of tea, meds and vitamin shit. I feel like a freakin zombie.

Yesterday (Day X+32) was…Monday. Right? Right. See, it starts again, this confusion about week days and kind of a loss of caring what week day and time it actually is. I eokr up after a terrible night with the most awful nightmares I had lately, and the day did not get much better to say the least. I wasn´t feeling too healthy but decided to quickly go to the opening of a new big store complex close by to grab some free stuff – so I did this and went back home and then later went to the doctor because of pain in my toe (waiting for quite a long time, amongst ill people, yay), got it bandaged and then went home again. Already then I wondered if I will be sick again after this damned time at the doctor´s, like I saw this all coming…somehow the day wasn´t really my day, but no can do. The show must go on, somehow.

The day before, so Sunday (X+33)…time with my boyfriend – so a lot of relaxing and not doing anything, a tad of gaming and toooootally healthy…pizza 😀 The plan to be cooking something healthy somewhen vanish during the day, and I really don´t regret it when looking back. Sometimes the body just needs something like this 😀 My mood was ok-ish, though all the thoughts around the latest “no”s for my applications were really rebelling in my head. Always.

Always on Sunday (9)


This more and more becomes a “Always on Monday” blog post…maybe I should change its title…or maybe not, because then I don´t even have any motivation to get it one on time.

But yesterday, so on Sunday, I spent the day at my boyfriend´s place and clearly wouldn´t touch my blog there. This time with him is simply too valuable to even think about blogging or anything like this.

// Listened to // Well, due to having worked at Hamburg Metal Dayz as a photographer, I´ve listened to and seen quite some bands and heard some music, but actively listened to the music I only have during the show of The New Black, because it´s been the only band I really wanted to see.

// Done // Editing photos, writing gig report…and that´s also what I will be doing during this week. Also did yet another job interview. Or was it two? I don´t know, I am losing track. I´d really have to check my Excel sheet where I track all of my applications.

// Eaten // Pizza on Sunday. Shame on me, I know, I know. My boyfriend and I really planned on cooking healthy but…pizza was just the better choice, even though my stomach didn´t fully approve the big amount of lactose and food as such…

// Thought // Negative stuff. Dark clouds are over my mind mostly, and it is hard to actually get up at all somewhen during day time. I always try to keep myself motivate and think about maybe missing out on a great job when staying in bed, but to be honest – I have no idea for how long this will still be working.

// Happy about // Having my boyfriend at my side, supporting me right at the spot. It is important that I have someone close right now because I need the hugs and worry-free moments so badly.

// Read // About how to act in job interviews and do´s and dont´s and all of this; I just wanna check if I did something wrong or all good…and in the end it was relieving to again see I was not doing anything wrong, at least that…

// Angry about // Job search related things…I could be ranting forever. And bad light at Hamburg Metal Dayz – god, how I hate this. You have a venue that is amazingly equipped in the main hall and what are the band/light technicians doing? Darkness. Only light from the back. And then red. Well thank you!

// Wished for // Sleeping for a week straight xD

// Dreamt about // People, who I love, being tortured and dying, and then me being totally desperate and…yes, nightmares. Just to mention one of those dreams. And probably also the worst one.

// Bought // Some more little things for my computer, and some more things are still to come because I still need a new screen…But yeah I bought my activation ke for my Windows 10 and a new card reader and some more things…

// Clicked // Job offers. I know this is getting boring as hell, but it is just how it is. I really mostly do this when it comes to clicking links or such. And press work as I am diving into this right now.

// Statement of the week // That I´d not be stupid but intelligent. (I know, nothing special, but atm it feels special because…well. You know, unemployed.)

 

Day X+30 – Music is therapy


 (pre-written on 24th September)

Now the second day of the Hamburg Metal Dayz is over and…I still don´t realy feel any better when it comes to my photography, because the light was only a tiny little bit better, and thus the fun was kinda limited. But at least I really tried to be more social, and it seemingly worked – at least I wasn´t all alone amongst the photographers anymore.

During the shows in the main hall they all used strobe lights, and when I look into those for a bit longer I tend to lose my sense of orientation and get slight migraine attacks. So there I was standing in the photopit, having to look right into those, hoping they at least might brighten up the stage for proper photos.

After each and every show or rather after each and every time in the photopit I just had to get out of the main hall to sit down and sit there (if I found anywhere to sit…) to have my eyes and head relax again. Not really pleasant to say the least, and that really started to be tiring and annoying after a while. Because I really wanted to watch the bands more than just for a few minutes at a time, going outside, then going inside again…but if I would´ve have just remained inside, I´d have not gotten through the day.

Still feels really funny to see all my former work colleagues form my internship back in the days again, but I still prefer to stay in distance most of the time. And sometimes I am even being a fan, shame on me. Nah, not really fan but for the sake of it I went to get myself a signed card from The New Black, and it felt hilariously wrong to be doing that xD But amusing at least 😀

I also ditched the main ban on this evening to watch the full set of The New Black – sometimes you are forced to put priorities, and I did this. I wanted to have fun and listen to music I enjoy a 100% and just rock out, and headbang and forget my press job for a bit. The camera was always on, but  was in “enjoying mode” 😉 And that was right what I needed (plus some uplifting words) – music is therapy and medicine for me, and so important right now. And it helped. Though I don´t know for how long this good effect will last…

Day X+28 – I just wanna sleep

This is the first time that I really need to force myself to actually write something. But, as I mentioned in the start, I want to use this as a chance to talk about how I feel and as a little therapy for myself, I am still writing these lines.

After yesterday going pretty well with everything, I woke up being all negative. And alone. And lonely. And I had this feeling of “why do I even get up if noone needs me anyways” feeling stuck in my head, resulting in getting up at noon. And that in return also made me feel even shittier, because I know I should be productive instead. Should. Must. All these words fill my days and weeks since I was dismissed. I simply have to do things. Things, meaning application writing and going to job interviews. This is what ultimatively my life evolves around at the moment, and that is stressful.

You might think I am just sitting at home alone, chilling on the couch, watching the most stupid TV series I can find whilst sipping a hot tea and being curled up in a blanket. It is a yes and no. Yes, I am doing these things, but mainly because I feel useless and I do not know where to put myself and what to do with myself and with the days. My TV is running literally from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep. It is the first noise and first voices I heard and the last ones. And on many days also the only ones. Being unemployed is some kind of isolation that you are being put in without having decided for it…and I suffer from this, though I am someone who generally enjoys it to have a lot of time for myself. But if that´s your daily business, it wears you out. A lot.

You might now say I could go outside. I could. I should. And I do, but most times I need to force myelf and am happy if there are not many other people outside, because I feel like everyone looks at me and thinks “oh, she is unemployed, why is she not instead applying somewhere?” or generally sees misery when looking at me. It is hilarious to feel this way but it really is like this. And you know, it´s things that I did before when having been on vacation I was always like “wow, many people going to the stores at this time when otehrs work, they could be doing that too”. And now I am one of those that are in the same boat with them. I could also go and meet friends and so…yes, I could. But I don´t want any questions about being unenmployed and all this shit. But you cannot avoid that topic in such meetings so I rather spend time with myself. It is my decision, yes. But I feel forced to decide like this.

And I hate that. not because I hate unemployed people, but because it feels terrible for me. I work hard to get out of there but it feels like noone is appreciating this, noone even wants to give it a go and me a chance. And what´s even worse is that most rejections after my job interviews are not even based on my skills or on how well I did at the job interview itself. It is just things like “we took someone who already had a bit of experience working in an agency” – well, I worked in customer services and as a project manager managing quite a big team and still people think it would be sooo much of an advance to have worked in an agency before. And the problem is that most companies I can apply to are agncies…can you imagine the worries and fears I develop? I go to job interviews, the talks go amazingly well and deep inside I just wait for getting yet another no because of my lack of agency experience. It really destroys the hope that you need to keep going and to keep giving your best with every application and every job interview. It is draining my energy. And to be fully honest, this whole shit brings me closer to a burn out than any whatever busy and stressful job has ever brought me.

Day X+21 & 22 & 23 – Busy Bee!


You might have already wondered where the heck actually all the blog posts are that I am usually trying to write on a  daily basis, but you know, there are days where this just doesn´t work out where I am just not in the mood to even talk about things. Doesn´t happen too often, but from time to time – like with the past days ^^

Now (X+23) I am sitting here using my new screen and keyboard, still plugged in on my laptop though since my computer didn´t get ready yet – so I feel like I am permanently adjusting the brightness of this monster of screen…go and laugh, nothing too big actually, but as I worked on my laptop for the past 6-7 years, everything bigger than this feels like a massive bright wall (and I am too dumb to type on this keyboard though it is actually the same one that I used at the office…oh the changes!)

So what I did so far was having a relaxed morning with my boyfriend, watching him assemble the first parts of my soon ready computer, whilst I just looked good during watching him 😉 Afterwards I was writing some applications, now that I do have a proper screen and don´t need to have my eyes killed by simply trying to find spelling or punctuation mistakes…And I think that´s it for today, only some computering still to come 😉

Yesterday (X+22) I was out with my boyfriend in the evening, a little party at the place of his work colleague – a nice get together with amazing food, two cute little dogs and a long ride back home in the late evening. And before all of this…well I had my hair fixed. You might wonder what I did, but I´ll tell you just in a second, be patient for once! So yeah, this time at the hair dressers it was like experimenting, it might look good, but also could be that it doesnt work out as intended…well thank god it worked out really well and I started feeling like a human again 😀 Because before I felt shitty and also had not exactly slept well to be honest, oddest dreams ever and I woke up totally stressed out…

And then there was the day before yesterday (X+21) and my try to color my hair in dyi style…I mean, it´s not been the first time I was doing this myself, and after having gotten a new cut at the hair dressers, I thought it was time for some color on my head again and went to the store and bought to mahagoni brown color packages from Schwarzkopf and applied them just as it was instructed and as one always does. And as long as my hair was still wet it all looked fine, and when it was dry I looked like a pony having many different colored parts of fur, in my case hair. My hair simply did not suck up the color properly and I was pretty desperate to be honest but had no will or power to fix it right away, especially because I also went to my friend´s place for a nice evening and didn´t want to stress myself out. In the end I told myself it was better to call a hair dresser to have it fixed then doing another hopeless attempt and maybe have a another shock moment…lord knmows what would have then happened…