Day X+51/52/53 – Shit, no creative headline

 

Found on of my waks around Hamburg last week

End of the week, finally – with Day X+51 (15.10.2016) I was hitting the Saturday and therefore it was time for quality time with my boyfriend and doing nothing but relaxing and curling up on the couch. But hey, we did give going for a walk a try – but the weather was not really willing to support our decision and it started drizzling after a while, so we rather quickly returned again. A pity, because the temperature was rather nice a for a change, but being in Hamburg, this whole weather issue in autumn shouldn´t even be surprising me anymore but still…I am still waiting for miracles to happen when it comes to this.

I dropped the hopes for a new job though, there is still quite a few companies that received my application but did not even bother to let me know that they received it more than two weeks ago. And this is something that really pisses me off because it´s so fucking inpolite. someone put effort and time into writing it, and then noone cares…well, cheers. I hope you are not going to find the right person for your position at all.

Day X+52 (16.10.2016) – My back was hurting, but whatever, as long as I am not alone it oesn´t matter…afterwards, I just noticed my back pain. Maybe I slept oddly or did some weird movement, who knows. But at least I had a night of proper sleep, without scary dreams and cases of death wrapped in those dreams…and I promised myself to kick my own butt again to make more sports and get my proper eating going again so at last I will be losing a little bit of weight before the end of the year, hopefully.

maybe this has become my main goal to look out for, so I am at least successful at something – hopefully I will be. Maybe. urghs. I am just so not motivated for anything anymore, except for sleeping and cuddling and doing nothing particularily.

The start into my “all week for myself” week, starting with Day X+53 (17.10.2016). After last week I really need time to myself, with working out, and reading and just not having much to do for a change. I will still need to do certain things, but it is far from packed. Tomorrow e.g. I will start learning for my Scrum exam, because there is still quite some things to be done before taking the actual exam. But no pressure, all I wanna do is take the exam somewhen this week, nothing more or less.

The weather is pretty depressing, so getting my 10.000 steps together was a tough challenge but I made it, though being bothered by a back ache that even didn´t fully disappear after some gymnastics and warm-lotion. Generally, I feel pretty empty and like I cannot really bother about anything right now. Great side effects from last week and all the weeks before.

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Day X+37/38/39 – Hello October!

Taken in 2012

Day X+37 (01.10.2016)
Out of Hamburg, in Lüneburg, with my boyfriend – for (window) shopping, walking around, photographing a bit and watching “Finding Dory” in the movies. And it was a perfect day, ignoring the grey weather.

Getting out of Hamburg was really important for me, seems like only then I can fully relax right now. And in Lüneburg we got a lot of nice city center style (old houses wherever you look!) and there was some medieval stuff going on on this weekend – we had the perfect timing! We walked and walked and walked…man my feet and legs were tired in the evening, it was hilarious. But breathing was so much better, and my cold at least pretended to have gotten much better – probably because the air just is a different quality than here in the big city.

I ended up buying a little baking book for apple pies and related, it was really chep and had nice things in there, maybe I will be baking a bit soon ^^ then some sweets and here and there some things before we went to see “Finding Dory” and…I became a little girl again. So adorable and sad and cute and awwwwwwwww. I hadn´t been in the movies for ages and then loveseat, with my bf, a cute and adorable movie…totally in love and…perfect 😀

Day X+38 (02.10.2016)
It´s been, after my boyfriend left, all about cleaning and getting stuff done and so my mood dropped rapidly. It was fascinating to watch in some way, though yeah – it sucked because I really felt so good and happy and everything.

But after I was alone again, I was back in this “don´t care, don´t wanna move”-mood again that lately it following me like a dark cloud. But I got my stuff mostly done anways, and also wrote an application for a job offer that had just been posted. I planned on not writing any for a week, but these things, meaning: job ads that sound amazing, are things I cannot let pass by…probably I will never fully get out of this hamster wheel feeling, but I really gotta make tiny steps to finally be able to relax again after the Lüneburg trip had such a good effect on me…

Day X+39 (03.10.2016)
I woke up being totally unmotivated. I think I have never had this “unmotivated”-feeling as bad as today. So it was a day full of watching useless TV whilst being curled up in a blanked, cooking a bit, baking a bit, playing Sims for a while, reading a  book, and loads of staring at the computer without really knowing what to do.

The weather also was not too inviting to go outside for a walk and I was tired, so the insides were my kingdom for the day. And I was hungry. A lot. I don´t know where this shit now comes from again, but maybe because of all the slime-loosening meds…totally frustrating and annoying and making me worry about even one thing more. Worrying has become a hobby for me, unfortunately. About my future, my health, my weight, everything. It´s a good friend nowadays -.-

Day X+34/35/36 – Loved

One of my sweet presents

Today (X+36)…36 days have passed since I started this. And today is the first full day of me being 27. And unemployed. Man this sounds desperate xD And I am clearly not feeling desperate at all, because yesterday was just beautiful. I am still not really full fit or back to healthy, but I am on a good way, luckily. Thanks to all the resting I did and will still be doing today – couch, hot tea, hot bath, some meds, a lot of vitamins, no sports (yes, that´s really tough for me). So a rather boring day and nothing really to tell, except for me being grump because I´d love to finish up my masses of photos and such things…but being at the computer just isn´t good as I already notice whilst typing this.

Yesterday (X+35) – my birthday. And well, i opened the first postcards and presents at 4am because I somehow wasn´t able to fall asleep anymore so I thought I could use my time wisely – and it really did the trick, having unwrapped and being happy, I fell asleep pretty quickly when back to bed again. During the day I did…nothing (except for getting a new bandage around my tortured toe haha). Resting time to be fit fir the evening and going out with my boyfriend to my fave restaurant again. And I was so glad, that my sense of taste was still totally normal, only my nose and ears were partially blocked. So the evening was really sweet, and I was just happy and though I before was already happy, this evening just made it perfect!
Thanks to everyone for messages, calls, presents, attention, everything ❤

And then there was the 28th of September, (X+34) and I was so down because I was feeling really sick still and was worried everything was going to fall apart because of me not being heathy enough to do anything on my birthday. This really was tearing me apart, just the damned thought of it. Because I was already frustrated of having had to reschedule my job interviews for the week, and I was sat alone and lonely and was just down. And then this fear…oh boy. But I somehow still stumbled across a nice job offer, and even though it was a real struggle, I applied for it. I just cannot fully rest, it seems…but I must do so…

Day X+31/32/33 – Down to the sickness

I really hope I didn´t mess up the counting, always tricky when you need to catch up – and even worse when your brain is all stuffed with slimey shit. Why? I am struck down with a bad cold and can hardly talk since I woke up this morning (Day X+33).

Shitty timing as I would have had a job interview today and tomorrow, but had to postpone those – at least the HR people were nice and understanding that it wouldn´t make sense to do the talks now when I am being sick. I just really hope I will be back to health, at least more or less, on Thursday when it is gonna be my birthday. Because it is planned to go out with my boyfriend for dinner and nothing will fucking dare to destroy this plan…Today I didn´t do a think except for struggling my way to the pharmacy and back, and then being in bed and on the couch all day long – with loads of tea, meds and vitamin shit. I feel like a freakin zombie.

Yesterday (Day X+32) was…Monday. Right? Right. See, it starts again, this confusion about week days and kind of a loss of caring what week day and time it actually is. I eokr up after a terrible night with the most awful nightmares I had lately, and the day did not get much better to say the least. I wasn´t feeling too healthy but decided to quickly go to the opening of a new big store complex close by to grab some free stuff – so I did this and went back home and then later went to the doctor because of pain in my toe (waiting for quite a long time, amongst ill people, yay), got it bandaged and then went home again. Already then I wondered if I will be sick again after this damned time at the doctor´s, like I saw this all coming…somehow the day wasn´t really my day, but no can do. The show must go on, somehow.

The day before, so Sunday (X+33)…time with my boyfriend – so a lot of relaxing and not doing anything, a tad of gaming and toooootally healthy…pizza 😀 The plan to be cooking something healthy somewhen vanish during the day, and I really don´t regret it when looking back. Sometimes the body just needs something like this 😀 My mood was ok-ish, though all the thoughts around the latest “no”s for my applications were really rebelling in my head. Always.

Day X+30 – Music is therapy


 (pre-written on 24th September)

Now the second day of the Hamburg Metal Dayz is over and…I still don´t realy feel any better when it comes to my photography, because the light was only a tiny little bit better, and thus the fun was kinda limited. But at least I really tried to be more social, and it seemingly worked – at least I wasn´t all alone amongst the photographers anymore.

During the shows in the main hall they all used strobe lights, and when I look into those for a bit longer I tend to lose my sense of orientation and get slight migraine attacks. So there I was standing in the photopit, having to look right into those, hoping they at least might brighten up the stage for proper photos.

After each and every show or rather after each and every time in the photopit I just had to get out of the main hall to sit down and sit there (if I found anywhere to sit…) to have my eyes and head relax again. Not really pleasant to say the least, and that really started to be tiring and annoying after a while. Because I really wanted to watch the bands more than just for a few minutes at a time, going outside, then going inside again…but if I would´ve have just remained inside, I´d have not gotten through the day.

Still feels really funny to see all my former work colleagues form my internship back in the days again, but I still prefer to stay in distance most of the time. And sometimes I am even being a fan, shame on me. Nah, not really fan but for the sake of it I went to get myself a signed card from The New Black, and it felt hilariously wrong to be doing that xD But amusing at least 😀

I also ditched the main ban on this evening to watch the full set of The New Black – sometimes you are forced to put priorities, and I did this. I wanted to have fun and listen to music I enjoy a 100% and just rock out, and headbang and forget my press job for a bit. The camera was always on, but  was in “enjoying mode” 😉 And that was right what I needed (plus some uplifting words) – music is therapy and medicine for me, and so important right now. And it helped. Though I don´t know for how long this good effect will last…

Day X+28 – I just wanna sleep

This is the first time that I really need to force myself to actually write something. But, as I mentioned in the start, I want to use this as a chance to talk about how I feel and as a little therapy for myself, I am still writing these lines.

After yesterday going pretty well with everything, I woke up being all negative. And alone. And lonely. And I had this feeling of “why do I even get up if noone needs me anyways” feeling stuck in my head, resulting in getting up at noon. And that in return also made me feel even shittier, because I know I should be productive instead. Should. Must. All these words fill my days and weeks since I was dismissed. I simply have to do things. Things, meaning application writing and going to job interviews. This is what ultimatively my life evolves around at the moment, and that is stressful.

You might think I am just sitting at home alone, chilling on the couch, watching the most stupid TV series I can find whilst sipping a hot tea and being curled up in a blanket. It is a yes and no. Yes, I am doing these things, but mainly because I feel useless and I do not know where to put myself and what to do with myself and with the days. My TV is running literally from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep. It is the first noise and first voices I heard and the last ones. And on many days also the only ones. Being unemployed is some kind of isolation that you are being put in without having decided for it…and I suffer from this, though I am someone who generally enjoys it to have a lot of time for myself. But if that´s your daily business, it wears you out. A lot.

You might now say I could go outside. I could. I should. And I do, but most times I need to force myelf and am happy if there are not many other people outside, because I feel like everyone looks at me and thinks “oh, she is unemployed, why is she not instead applying somewhere?” or generally sees misery when looking at me. It is hilarious to feel this way but it really is like this. And you know, it´s things that I did before when having been on vacation I was always like “wow, many people going to the stores at this time when otehrs work, they could be doing that too”. And now I am one of those that are in the same boat with them. I could also go and meet friends and so…yes, I could. But I don´t want any questions about being unenmployed and all this shit. But you cannot avoid that topic in such meetings so I rather spend time with myself. It is my decision, yes. But I feel forced to decide like this.

And I hate that. not because I hate unemployed people, but because it feels terrible for me. I work hard to get out of there but it feels like noone is appreciating this, noone even wants to give it a go and me a chance. And what´s even worse is that most rejections after my job interviews are not even based on my skills or on how well I did at the job interview itself. It is just things like “we took someone who already had a bit of experience working in an agency” – well, I worked in customer services and as a project manager managing quite a big team and still people think it would be sooo much of an advance to have worked in an agency before. And the problem is that most companies I can apply to are agncies…can you imagine the worries and fears I develop? I go to job interviews, the talks go amazingly well and deep inside I just wait for getting yet another no because of my lack of agency experience. It really destroys the hope that you need to keep going and to keep giving your best with every application and every job interview. It is draining my energy. And to be fully honest, this whole shit brings me closer to a burn out than any whatever busy and stressful job has ever brought me.

Day X+24 & 25 – It´s tiring…


Yesterday was day 24, and…Sunday. All days feel the same, except for the days when I meet with my boyfriend so I know which week day it is and everything. But everything around these days feels like a blur, consisting of workout, eating, sleeping, searching for jobs and applying for jobs. Sounds fancy, doesn´t it?

I spent most of my day on the computer/laptop, enjoying the new screen and starting to edit sme photos and fill my calendar with some appointments and making a plan for the coming week…yes, I do have a to.do list that I try to fulfill for every day, mostly I fail but it´s a try to have me not do anything anymore at all. because it is too tempting to be sitting in front of the computer all day long and do pretty much nothing useful…and that´s clearly not me and hopefully also never will be 😉

Today,X+25. Shit that is depressing.  Somehow. I know you might laugh about it and I know that many people in the same situation do take things far easier than I do, but on the one hand I´d need time to really relax, but on the other hand I am rather depending on myself than some job agency and the depending on the mercy of the government. That thought is totally unattractive. Like, really.

I am still fighting again some mysterious cold/allergy and it really pisses me off…but at least it´s not getting worse, that´s better than nothing ^^ Last night I was really struggling with negative thoughts before falling asleep, and that seriously affected my dreams. I slept terribly bad and am kinda  a tad grumpy since I got up this morning, feeling exhausted brain and body wise.

But at least some good news – I had prepared for an all relaxed week with just press work, but from the applications I sent out on Saturday, I got an invitation to a job interview on Wednesday. It´s another step, another chance. Another try. Another hope…let´s see what happens. Besides this…my day was full of walking and getting my ass moving and hanging on the couch, great contrasts ^^

 

Day X+21 & 22 & 23 – Busy Bee!


You might have already wondered where the heck actually all the blog posts are that I am usually trying to write on a  daily basis, but you know, there are days where this just doesn´t work out where I am just not in the mood to even talk about things. Doesn´t happen too often, but from time to time – like with the past days ^^

Now (X+23) I am sitting here using my new screen and keyboard, still plugged in on my laptop though since my computer didn´t get ready yet – so I feel like I am permanently adjusting the brightness of this monster of screen…go and laugh, nothing too big actually, but as I worked on my laptop for the past 6-7 years, everything bigger than this feels like a massive bright wall (and I am too dumb to type on this keyboard though it is actually the same one that I used at the office…oh the changes!)

So what I did so far was having a relaxed morning with my boyfriend, watching him assemble the first parts of my soon ready computer, whilst I just looked good during watching him 😉 Afterwards I was writing some applications, now that I do have a proper screen and don´t need to have my eyes killed by simply trying to find spelling or punctuation mistakes…And I think that´s it for today, only some computering still to come 😉

Yesterday (X+22) I was out with my boyfriend in the evening, a little party at the place of his work colleague – a nice get together with amazing food, two cute little dogs and a long ride back home in the late evening. And before all of this…well I had my hair fixed. You might wonder what I did, but I´ll tell you just in a second, be patient for once! So yeah, this time at the hair dressers it was like experimenting, it might look good, but also could be that it doesnt work out as intended…well thank god it worked out really well and I started feeling like a human again 😀 Because before I felt shitty and also had not exactly slept well to be honest, oddest dreams ever and I woke up totally stressed out…

And then there was the day before yesterday (X+21) and my try to color my hair in dyi style…I mean, it´s not been the first time I was doing this myself, and after having gotten a new cut at the hair dressers, I thought it was time for some color on my head again and went to the store and bought to mahagoni brown color packages from Schwarzkopf and applied them just as it was instructed and as one always does. And as long as my hair was still wet it all looked fine, and when it was dry I looked like a pony having many different colored parts of fur, in my case hair. My hair simply did not suck up the color properly and I was pretty desperate to be honest but had no will or power to fix it right away, especially because I also went to my friend´s place for a nice evening and didn´t want to stress myself out. In the end I told myself it was better to call a hair dresser to have it fixed then doing another hopeless attempt and maybe have a another shock moment…lord knmows what would have then happened…

 

Day X+17 & 18 – Life´s a joke


And so is my body from time to time. I have the feeling that I am more stressed and under pressure with applying for jobs and preparing for interviews than I had been in my daily business at the company. Which is surprising as I always thought I was mentally and physically really worn out…nope, dear me, it can get worse still ^^

Day X+17

I ordered the first things for my new computer, a nice and fancy case that glows green in the dark…my boyfriend was amused, but not even surprised anymore that I chose something green in the end.

I was mostly spending the day with cooking, baking bread, cleaning and playing on my tablet – I was, except for the evening walk I did, just a really lazy person. As usual I did some weight lifting, the easy stuff for my arms and everything, but being productive clearly would have looked differently.

But no shame, it was weekend and I also need to rest from time to time as my body really requests it with me being really tired and feeling more and more worn out and feverish (not sure if cold or allergies or both or my mind making it all up). Bed and couch were my best friends, and for once my brain was actually not doing anything – not even overthinking, which is quite surprising ^^

Day X+18

I woke up early, I had to. Simply because needed to cancel my appointment with the job agency because of my job interview ….well, that was theory. Cancelling the appointment was not the issue and I started my little trip to the job interview – halfway there, I received a call telling me we needed to reschedule the job interview to Wednesday. There I was, I hadn’t slept properly because of being so nervous, my stomach was making problems at its best and now all if this had been for freaking nothing. I really want that job so postponing this made me feel like they don’t want me and I would be totally not needed, even though the actual reasons surely did make sense. But somehow I was still hurt.

The other company from last week’s job interview still didn’t call or email me, I kinda assume they are not interested in me enough to actually get in touch because I am not their first choice. Whatsoever, it was a good experience and nice exercise…

The rest of the day I did pretty much nothing but relaxing and enjoying the bread I baked yesterday. I really need to relax, otherwise my health is even worse wh.en starting the new job than before my one month of “vacation”. I just feel permanently stressed out because of the job search and pressure to actually apply and find a new job…

Oh and I went for a looong walk with my camera, it was bloody hot and somehow really not a smart idea – I was dead tired afterwards and didn’t move afterwards anymore. And I needed to face the fact that taking photos was nice but…I cannot edit them until my new computer is al set up…great success. Not.

 

Day X+15 & 16 – It´s dying!


…no worries, I am okay and people around me okay but my laptop is not. Seems like one or several cables connecting laptop with its screen are fucked, so currently I can choose between having a messy screen with more of a blue or a green touch, but proper colors – nope, forget about it.

That just started on the evening on X+14 already, and got a lot worse yesterday, so x+14. So what did I do yesterday and what happened? Well, as I already had been a busy bee before, I did not need to write and take care of applications yesterday. And that really felt good. I was sleeping really long because I went to bed really late, and had odd dreams again. And waking up alone really als did not make me happy, I tend to be really confused lately when waking up because of my dreams. And it´s nicer to have someone next to you in such moments.  But yeah, all I did was moving from bed to couch, also to still rest my left foot as it was still hurting a bit.

And in the afternoon I went to pick up my boyfriend at the company and…it was weird. I was sitting in the bus and I felt like going home. It felt somehow so natural that I had to remind myself that this was actually the past. So I checked in with some departments and everything and I tried to be a happy smiley something and on one hand I really was. On the other hand I was hurting, and my heart was bleeding. Seeing my team (yes, they will always remain MY team) and everything and knowing I will not be working with them anymore…yes it is tough and I really had thought that I wuld be over it and it would not shake me up….but how wrong I was. This is something that I just realized today, but yeah. It was tough and no matter how good it felt to see the people again, I should´ve better waited downstairs. Or at IKEA, where my boyfriend and I then went.

I opened up a wound that I so badly want to remain closed. It was dumb but I know I will do it again because no matter that I know they´re in good hands, it feels like someone ripped my baby out of my arms and I just want to check in from time to time to know how things are. This is passion and dedication. For the job that I was kicked out from. Good timing.

The rets of the day was full of joy, and no matte rhow much I should be watching my money, I bought things because they´re things I will be using and not this “fun and nice to have stuff”…also the rest of the evening was nice, watching some cooking documentaries together and just relaxing, turning off the mind…

Today, X+16 – it´s all about collecting the parts for my new computer. Ok well, my boyfriend asks me what I wanna do with it and he then checks what I need…and it´s better to have the split like this, I am a technical noob. Shame on me and I really would love to know more, but somehow it was not quite my topic in the past. So yeah, a lot of checking for this, and even just deciding on a damned pc tower case is a challenge…I am so picky and this and that and yes and no and…headdesk. Nearly hopeless case, but I think I have found something.

And if I am lucky, we can start ordering the stuff to my address pretty soonish – I mean, I am home anways so it is easy for me to pick up the parcels. Except for Monday and Tuesday, as those will be busy days due to the job interviews. Besides this, it´s been a normal day for me…some house scores, food shopping, some trying to tidy up and clean and a lot of playing on my tablet and watching TV. Silence has clearly become an enemy for me when I am alone, now that I don´t have people around me all day – it feels like it gives me the wrong impression of not being alone.

Hilarious, I know, but I start understanding how thise clichee of an umemployed person having the TV on all day long actually came up. If it´s not the TV, it is music or RadioRock.fi, I just need something. Some voice, some noise…often I don´t even listen or watch, I just need this. Because otherwise I might simply turn insane. And I am not planning on letting this ever happen…