Sometimes, things take longer, especially when you´re good at telling yourself “oh tomorrow´s another chance” – that´s why it took like 9 months for me to actually choose and edit some of the photos I took during sightseeing when touring to see Diary of Dreams live last autumn.
This mix of relief that I just had to get some exercises done and knowing it´ll be the last day diving and with these people…really, I got up emotional and I knew it was gonna be terribly tough on me to not end up crying in front of everyone. Spoiler: I didn´t cry. Okay I did, but not on the boat.
It´s been rather few people this time, so not crowded, and I was feeling exhausted already after I had put on all the dive gear, and really had to tell myself “Listen Carina, focus as much as you can, because if you do things extremely well on the first tries, you do not need extra repetitions”. So yeah, first dive we did some exercises and then some little enjoying dive where I had to spot e.g. what was going wrong, but already then I noticed that the water pressure made me feel stomach sick at its best when we descended.
So In the afternoon with the second session, I just did what still had to be done to pass the course, and we then ditched the fun dive – I just didn´t want to become someone who finished her rescue diver certification and then right after becomes in need of rescue activities because of an underwater accident. Also, I didn´t feel like throwing up underwater, to put it precicely.
After the last exercises, I was so exhausted I barely made it up onto the boat anymore, I was done, but happy. And proud – because it´s pure magic that my body really did keep cooperating and pushing so hard even though my batteries have been empty so early. So now I know that even when being sick, I am able to rescue someone. Not the actual thing to learn during the course initially, but…an interesting extra.
I enjoyed the time on the boat, sunbathing and just relaxing – except for one last jump into the sea from the boat, I just had to, when all pressure had been lifted off my shoulders…I was good until the goodbye came, and until I didn´t have any kind of distraction…felt like saying goodbye to some sort of family, and seriously, I just suck at goodbyes soooooo badly!
Was glad when I was at the hotel, had a burger and a drink (yes, I dared to have alcohol because fuck it), went to the room, had a cry and then met some people I knew at the pool bar for some more drinks. In the evening and after dinner we wanted to go for the beach party, but as sickness as been going round, we didn´t go. In the end I went there for one last drink and let me tell you, it was awful. Nothing really enjoyable, no party feeling, nothing.
Slightly tipsy and with the drink in handy, I started packing up for going home. So weird, really. Time´s been passing by so quickly, it´s been just crazy!
24.06.2023
I woke up early, and somehow despite being totally exhausted already 5min after having gotten up, I felt relief. I was going to be in my own apartment soon, own bathroom, own bed, and soon I was able to see a doctor. On the other hand, it was sad, because I liked the resort and most importantly I LOVED everyone on the diving boat. Really, it´s been like a family, and it´s felt so good every morning to come there despite all the stomach sickness.
I picked up my breakfast bag and then was taking a cab to the airport – well, they brought me to the wrong terminal and dropped me off there. I just noticed too late and then had to pay for another one to bring me to the right terminal, which is like 3km away. I was nerve wrecked, and I was just so glad when I had dropped off my luggage, had gone through the two security checks, filled useless paperwork and just had to wait for boarding. And there it was, again, this feeling of relief. I was really happy to get home, it wasn´t how I had wished my vacation to go – my stomach sickness had taken away a lot of the joy I would´ve felt with all the diving, and taken away a lot of the experience. At that time though, I didn´t consider going back (now I do), backt hen I just wanted to get the fuck out of this country. One thing´s for sure though: I knew I wouldn´t want to live and work there after my divemaster certification.
The flight was smooth, I had an empty seat between me and the othe rperson in my row, so it was relaxed, and my luggage also arrived and so I rushed to the car, drove to my garden to see it was well taken care off, and the find out at home that this time it had been myself who drowned the veggie plants…good job, me!
After the day of relaxing that I had taken, I didn´t feel that much different – at least not as much different as I had hoped to be feeling, simply because my bod did everything to mak me feel stomach sick all the time. So it´s been yet another morning of barely eating, and then throwing up right after it again, brushing teeth and getting ready to be picked up.
On the menu today: the deep dive down to 30m to finish off my Advanced Adventurer and then starting with the Stress and Rescue diver course right away. But I was surprised, after two dive instructors, I had someone new today again – diving with the boss was on the schedule today. The dive down to 30m was fun, and pretty easy – we had that game that he pulled out and showed an item from everyday life and I had to guess what it was – and as colors change depending on the depth of the water, he said most guess wrong. Well, as a tomato lover and being a bit bright, it was easy to see he had shown me a tomato – he was disappointed I didn´t even hesitate a second to think about it.
The rest of the dive was just fun only, and it was crazy – saw two stone fishes, lion fishes, one was being teased by another fish, and my highlight was the octopus. It´s been just so amazing, and I till needed to remind myself to continue breathing and to not hold my breath when getting excited. It was just too good to be true! Also, I was really happy to have finished the course – if it had been for me, it could´ve lasted longer because it was just fun 😀
In the afternoon we then started with the first repetition exercises for the stress and rescue diver – mainly things that I had done in April when I started scuba diving, so it was kinda easy. We decided to do it in one of the lagoons as it´s shallow and usually boats don’t go over there or anything. Well, that day was different. Before I noticed, there was this diving boat over us on the surface, and we were just at around 3m depth, so like 2 or 2,5m above us was the ship´s propeller. And that was when I had the worst panic attack of my life. Seriously, my heart didn´t know if it wanted to be racing or simply stop beating, and I couldn´t think clear anymore at all. And this incident really left an impression, despite still functioning when we continued the exercises, the noise of the propeller is something I will never forget again.
When I had dinner with the people I had met at the hotel, and they turned on the ceiling fan, it just sounded exactly like the propeller – I nerly threw away my glass that I was holding and had that panic coming up again. Funny thing is, when being under water, you were not able to see I was fighting a panic attack.
Anyways, dinner was lovely, and took my thoughts off the incident a bit. But I quickly noticed that I had to work on normalizing my feelings for this sound – everything just sounded like it, even the damn air condition when having ear plugs in. So yes, I slept with the air condition turned off that night and nearly suffocated but…in silence.
22.06.2023
New day, new dive instructor. Diving with the boss was a “one day solution” and totally not planned like this, and today I got to know the one doing the rest of the stress and rescue diver course with me, and just like with everyone before, I was just having a good feeling. My stomach didn´t like the idea of scuba diving though, and every exercise that we were able to do on the surface made me happier than I would´ve ever expected. But what I really did underestomate was how exhausting it was, also mentally. So many things to remember, the right order, where to grab, how to pull, what to take care off…sure, I learned the steps in the videos of the theoretical lessons and also did revise them, but still. Overload.
And during the first dive of the day we did some scenarios like “diver in distress” on surface and under water and “panicking diver” and such, and it was hilarious (when looking back) because even though we were at like 10m depth, I started shaking and panicking myself when there was a boat starting the engine on the surface. Knowing I was that deep down calmed me though, but still, I was a diver in permanent distress hahahah.
Now when looking back I can laugh about it, back then I was so stressed I had the urge to just vomit under water. But everything went just fine, and I would say I wasn´t that untalented as I had expected – but some things just felt unnatural when doing those, so I needed a couple of more repetitions to really get them into my head. Glad my instructor was very patient with me.
At the end of the day, the normal routine followed, by a little snack, hanging by the pool and then having dinner – with one difference: today I sat down in bed and revised some more what we were planning on doing the next day, to be prepared. Yes, I am a terrible perfectionist, and with not knowing for how long my body is planning on cooperating I just had to do a good job!
I woke up with the hope of my body having gotten better, but after a very light breakfast and throwing up and having other digestion issues, I knew, it wasn’t the case. Another trip to the pharmacy to get me fixed up for the day just before I was picked up for another day on the boat. Knowing that the winds were just as strong as yesterday, my excitement was pretty limited to be honest.
Once on the boat, I still didn’t feel it, I wasn’t up for it. And also just so tired. Nope, not my day I thought.
And that’s also how it continued – the first dive was a drift dive as drop dive, aka jumping from the driving boat and plunging into the water and immediately descending. Never had done it, and fucked it up. My mask blew off, fixed it, thought I was okay, and then the mask fucked up again, I tried to fix it, took a breath with my nose and inhaled water, panicked a second time and yeah, did an emergency ascend. Stupid me, looking like a totally idiotic beginner. Felt so stressed, it once 8 was back down at the bottom I calmed down and the dive was nice. No one blamed me for needing to wait, everyone was just worried what happened if I was okay. I like that there is no competition amongst our divers here, we are there for each other, and that’s it.
Just when I was out of the water and chad changed clothes, we heard someone shouting “DOLPHINS” – I don’t know how few seconds at needed from throwing my phone somewhere, getting my mask and snorkel thrown into my face and changed again and being in the water…it was full speed, and then there they were. Just an arm length away. I was snorkeling there and was ready to cry, it was a dream come true. So emotional, and just such a balm for the soul after this fuckup during the dive before. I will never forget how those 4 dolphins looked like, how they were teasing each other and how I felt. I could cry again just when writing this, oh so good.
Whilst everyone was having lunch at the boat, I again had pills, water and dry bread, trying not to piss off my stomach even more. And afterwards, dive number two was happening, and we just got into the water when the dolphins were back, so we hurried to descend and there they were again. So heartwarming, really. This dive was just a relaxed one, no exercises, nothing new, just enjoying – and exactly what I had needed to give back some confidence and relax and enjoy. And it also worked, I was just able to enjoy it with many fish kinds, a stingray….it’s really different here compared to Mexico, still need to really get used to it.
On the way back to the harbour my new dive instructor and I jumped off for the wreck dive, and I really didn’t have many expectations to be honest. I chose this one for the course because I thought it would be cool, but I had no idea how amazing it would get. At first it was irritating, the water was murky and the visibility was so restricted – hadn’t experienced anything like this before and at first it really stressed me. But with all the animals and things to see, and to focus on, I quickly managed to calm down and it was such an amazing dive – my instructor made sure ai even saw the tiniest animals, helping me with buoyancy control so I was able to just get close and watch instead of needing to focus on that too. We had some hilarious moments too, visibly laughing our asses off under water…it was just so amazing. Saw nudi branches, pipefishes (also bigger ones on the other dives), fire fish, and so much more…I was so stunned how well this wreck does to attract all kinds of corals and fish and such.
We then were picked up by a smaller boat and brought to the harbour , and I was glad when I was at the hotel – so much new stuff today, it was insane, I can’t even out into words what I think or really feel, it’s been too much, so I am really glad I am having an off day tomorrow to get back on track again.
20.06.2023
After those 7 dives from the past days, I needed this day off so badly. I slept in, had a sloooooow relaxed breakfast, just hung by the pool and whirlpool, met new people and chatted a lot, took a nap at lunchtime before going to lunch and then going back to the pool…
My mind was really tired, and rewinding was essential, even though I already started to stress about the Rescue Diver course because I think this will be the most challenging thing ever, and I kinda dread that, also because staged situations are always feeling like exams and I am not good at that.
Sure, I know it’s essential to practice such important things, but still. And being a perfectionist doesn’t make it much better either to be honest – it rather adds additional and actually unnecessary stress. I always feel like I have to hit the 100% perfect and no % below would be acceptable. But right now, I can be happy if I pass at all, looking at my body-shape.
So yeah, I did revise some of the learning material but really forced myself not to stress about it and better give my best to be all fresh tomorrow – whilst hoping the wind was gonna calm down, so that possible exercises on the surface of the water won’t be as terrible as they would be e.g. today.
First day diving, aka getting up early because I was being picked up at 8:15am – whilst my stomach had decided to make bigger issues than expected and meds had to take care of that, after throwing up after breakfast. I was stressed because of that and also stressed because of going diving and not knowing anyone and just….everything.
On the boat I then met my dive instructor, who was also doing those two dives with the group – Not started my courses just yet, but only wanted to get back under water and get a feeling for it again. And what can I say, not having your own equipment makes things problematic, because getting used to e,g, new fins and such is annoying as hell. But it’s fine, I will also get used to that. What really surprised me though was how cold the water was, wearing a shorty neoprene it was refreshing – still okay but I was so far used to long neoprene and warmer temperatures.
Also, the underwater world is so different, no turtles, very few stingrays, but tons of tiny fishes around the reefs that are also quite high up and in the shallow waters. Made the first two dives here really laid back, I got a good feeling on how diving is like here and it’s been a positive feeling. And it felt good to be back underwater to be honest. But…I am an honest person and I kinda had high expectations after diving in Cozumel, I really had to readjust those and be humble.
In between the two dives there was lunch which I skipped, as my stomach said no in a quite strict manner, and I didn’t want to risk the second dive. There was much time on the boat, and it was really comfy, needless to say – but I am not used to spending so much time on there in between the dives, and got terrible tired and did some napping on the upper deck in between.
Never guessed it would really be around full 8h on the boat for two dives. But here the dive sites are so far off you need ages to even get there…
In the afternoon I grabbed a drink and a snack, jumped into the pool to cool off, took another nap and then went to dinner – just so tha5 my body did its best afterwards to get rid off everything again in the different ways it was able to find, good times. Not.
18.06.2023
I woke up early again, and had breakfast – just so that my body got rid off it again after 15min. And that was the point where I decided to go to the pharmacy and pick up some stuff that kills the bacteria, just to try to get this fixed. Was just in time until I was picked up for diving again, and I wasn’t feeling ready for the day as I had the peak performance buoyancy and the navigation part of the Advanced Diver course ahead of me. I struggle with both, so it was gonna be a tough day anyways for me….and my instructor.
It started to be windy, and. It just a bit, so I was full of sea sickness pills and other meds, and was just so glad to just survive.
We started with the buoyancy exercises, and needless to say, fun is different. But it’s been necessary and looking back I even think this should be part of the normal beginner’s Open Water course right away or at least parts of it, it would make life so much easier. Some thing might seem obvious, others you never thought about.
The exercises were tough here and there, and some were really easy. Had a first shock moment when we heard the engine sound from above and there was, right above us, another boat planing to anchor. Thanks for nothing, I halfway died of a heart attack. But I was confident afterwards, the course did improve my buoyancy but of course it’s far from perfect, but that needs more practice and experience and will come with time.
Whilst everyone again had fun having lunch, I had water and dry bread and some more pills to get me through the day. It felt miserable, smelling the lovely food but not being able to eat it without risking that everything goes down the drain.
Another nap later, and it was time for the navigation part. Let’s be honest, the compass and me, we have a love hate relationship. But at least I didn’t totally fuck up and I think I did rather well and better than I expected. But still, I am a perfectionist and in my head I wasn’t good enough and that really bugged me to be honest. I just wasn’t satisfied with my performance, and it’s hard to handle that. But in the end I managed and it’s been easier than I expected, just need to stop making things more complicated in my head than they actually are in reality.
Afterwards, it was snack time, as usual and then cooling down and chilling in the pool with some people I had met and those also had given me the tip with the anti bacterial pills. So yeah, I wasn’t alone with my fun. Always feels good to randomly get to know people at resorts, you never stay alone for long if you are open and willing to connect.
Dinner was then rather cut short, I was hungry but my body didn’t want any food so I didn’t want to risk even more, it’s so damn exhausting to not be able to eat and drink properly.
Earl morning fun, oh that joy – and right at the start I still rushed to the garden to do some watering before I continued to go to Hamburg airport, or rather the parking lot there. The ride was smooth, I was faster than I had expected, but then had one problem: how do I actually get from the parking space to the airport? I ended up sharing a taxi with another couple that wondered the same, so we were all going out of this the cheapest way possible.
Checked in, went through the security control, boarded, sat on the plane…all relaxed. Also getting the visa at the airport in Hurghada was all relaxed….and then everything turned into total stress.
I didn´t have wifi, or well, only 15min at the airport, and I was supposed to be icked up by my host of the apartment building but he was nowhere to be seen, then claimed to have been at the othe rtermin (which is 3km away) and it´s all been messy. The taxi we sat in was creepy as fuck, and I felt ripped off money wise for what I was charged. And the host was weird, already in the car trying to sell me excursions and trips and everything. I was overtaed, turned more and more quiet.
Once at the apartment, I just quickly dropped off my luggage and he then brought me to have dinner – and said he would pay when my credit card failed on me when trying to get cash. The whole situation walking around was really weird, and it felt like he was dragging me through stores even though I just wanted to have dinner and grab something to drink and shower and sleep.
I was happy when I was back at the apartment, but that didn´t last for too long – I couldn´t find a way to lock the apartment from the inside, and as it was where the roof top terrace was, I knew there was the host and maybe others sitting…no good feeling at all. I literally pushed a table and my suitcase in front of the door, but still barely slept. I was so stressed out, and something in me told me it was not a good idea to book this.
16.06.2023
I woke up after a crappy night where I had hardly slept, I was immediately nervous. I still had to get my passport copy done by the host, but he said he would need time and I found an excuse so that he couldn´t keep it and I took it with me when I walked out of the door to get some cash and be out of this house.
I felt stressed out to an unhealthy extent and my gut feeling told me: run. Run far away, and do it soon. So whilst I was walking around, I found the decision I needed to check what hotels would be available – and when I was back in the apartment after doing some grocery shopping, I opened the booking app, found a nice looking hotel, booked it and within 20min I was all packed up, returned the money to my host (hid it and told him where it was because he didn´t answer the door), and was for once so glad about the taxis being everywhere and immediately stopping when they saw someone who was visibly a foreigner.
When I sat in this crappy taxi, I felt the first tons of weight dropping off my shoulder, and when I was nicely welcomed at the resort, I noticed how stressed out I had been. My room has not been ready when I arrived, but that didn´t matter – I was going to the pool for a bit of a swim and got my first cocktail whilst waiting for the room. I calmed down, and really, I was ready to cry because it´s been the very best decision. And when I was in my room, where you were able to lock the balcony door and the main door and everything was neat, clean, and everyone was nice….that was the moment when I noticed that vacations were finally really starting.
Packed up my stuff, and went to the beach and had a nice swim – after discussing a bit with the life guards how “far” I was allowed to be going. And needless to say, salt water tastes disgusting.
Little did I know what it would be still bringing me later on this night. Had another lovely alcoholfree cocktail, returned to the pool and just mentally prepared for the first two dives coming the next day.
Dinner also was lovely, and I was exhausted from the heat and all the mental stress that I had – so at first I thought it had been just the stress causing me to feel stomach sick both ways, in the end it stayed. Luckily I didn´t know that right at this point of my vacations.
I´ve always been in for new experiences, so I did some research before coming to Cozumel and stumbled across the parasailing and the swimming/snorkling with stingrays.
Whilst the parasailing offered a nice view, it was just too short for my taste and the price, but the stingray experiemce was so amazing – totally in love and I can totally recommend it!
If something is not meant to be, one could say that this trip really was that kind of a trip. It started with problems to finalize the booking, and then when checking in at home on the day before the travel day, I ended up having abig and fat note saying I was on the waiting list for the flight from Frankfurt to Warsaw. As on the hotline there´s been language issues blocking me from solving the issues.
I spontaneously decided to go to Bremen airport after work and try and sort it out there. In the end I failed as they were only able to handle the flight from Bremen to Frankfurt, but that one was fine so it didn´t need any adjustments. In the end my stepdad then again called the hotline and managed to get it all sorted out, so I was rather relieved and relaxed again.
I dropped off my car at the usual parking lot again close to the airport, and was early as always – so I was really bored and sleepy at Bremen airport, and also have been napping on the flight to Frankfurt. Then I had to rush through the whole damn airport once again, and the gate for my flight to Warsaw was damn crowded – and the screen showing people on the waiitng list kept growing from minute to minute, but hey, my name wasn´t on there.
So just when I felt save because I was about to scan my ticket and board the plane, everything blew up – the lights at the scanner turned red, my app told me “you´re back on the waiting list” and a second later the lady at the counter called out my name. So yes, I indeed was back on the waiting list because someone had showed up and thus kicked me off, as fully paying customers of course are taken first compared to me not being a fully paying traveler. Minutes passed, we tried to get me a jump seat, but they were already all full. It was over, I was halfway crying already.
And then the miracle happened – one person hadn´t shown up after they called his name, even though he had checked in. The gate was closed, one person was missing and thus there was ONE, exactly ONE seat free again. My bloody seat. I was back in the game. You really got no idea how nerve wrecked I was, my heart was racing, I was still nearly crying and I was just done with my whole life. I was totally sweated and still hadn´t calmed down after having landed in Warsaw – but then things went rather smooth, I grabbed my suitcase, got some cash and then got the bus to the hostel…
And then torture started: 5th or 6th floor it was, exhausted, stressed, and it was late in the evening and I was with a suitcase. I nearly passed out when I had arrived at my room, which was cute and cozy, needless to say. But I was hungry, so I searched for something to eat – and ended up walking 1,5km to the main station and back to some fast food and snacks to take with me as a breakfast. Shower, and then dropped dead into bed. And slept like dead, even though the mattress really was uncomfortable.
Quick breakfast with what I had bought the night before, and then I headed out for some walking, checking out where the venue was (not that easy to find) and then walked a bit more – in the end I had 15km on my watch, guess that was enough and I returned to the hostel, showered, changed, took an unplanned power nap and then went to the venue. Later on I was glad I met two other German fans, so I didn´t feel that alone as many of the local fans were a bit off and not exactly the kind of people that I would´ve liked to hang out with.
But I was happy being in front row (no surprise looking at how early I had been there) and also just where I had wanted to be standing – so it was all good, and I was sooo excited. But first things first: support band called Saint Chaos. Honestly, me and support bands, that doesn´t go well together most of the times. But, and that´s a huge but: I loved them, really. Unique, honest music that´s just amazing. They could´ve played longer if anyone had asked me.
But in the end, we´ve all been there for Royal Republic, and once they got onto stage it really has been my happy cheerful place – but where was the sweat? Like, after Hamburg earlier this year I had expected to be soeaking wet with even socks and shoes, but I wasn´t – I felt like I was drying off in between the songs. Don´t get me wrong, shit tons of energy and good times and losing my voice and catching a cold during waiting for them after the show, but small venues just tend to be more hot and sweaty – this one failed with it.
After all the hassle and stress, I really felt like all of it was just falling off my shoulders and my body and head started to relax – well, my body was rather dying or trying not to die, but at least it took the focus off work, general life hassle and all the other shit. And it was just what I needed, really. A clear mind, an honest smile on my face and just being so happy that the next day there was Cracow still to come – it´s felt like a drug that evening, really.
It´s been a while since I returned – but needless to say: I miss the cozy bed, the walks alongside the peacocks when going to the beach , the hilarious tries to bend your hand properly so that you can eventually even get water…and of course the beach, the quiet and peaceful mornings before the scuba divers (like me) are conquering the dock and the silence is all gone…
As you might´ve read already in one of my blog entries on my vacations, I had rented a car and did some sightseeing aka checkoing out the place with Maya ruins on Cozumel – and because I think it´s been quite important to understand the history of the island, I´ve been snapping a couple of photos and also took a video of wandering the sites and explaining a bit of what the guide had told me beforehand!
I grabbed my Go-Pro and take you on a little inside information that I had gotten from the guide and that partially also isn´t noted down on the info-plates on the stones.
You never need luck when you don´t stop 