The latest fun times!

A little update on some of the topics that are currently on my mind – I am not exactly experiencing anything fancy, so these things are mostly thought…but it´s a start, right? 😉

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Corona

Let´s be fair, I couldn´t be more sick and tired of homeoffice- I mean, it´s great to be on your own here and there and once a week it clearly is a benefit, but it´s been like this for 15 months by now. No, I am not at the homeoffice all the time, most weeks it´s 2 times at the office because it´s my only social contacts since Corona started.

And I am so extremely tired of just everything. Even the small steps into a more normal life again just don´t make me happy anymore because I am tired. And it´s creepy to look into many tired faces with exhausted smiles. I don´t even feel like going to the restaurant anymore, all I wanna do is curl up in bed and sleep until this is over, until normal concerts are possible again, until I have real distraction and a chance to clear my mind again. But i don´t even wanna take a guess how long this is still gonna take…

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Weightloss

…or rather: the opposite. My thyroid had been checked as I was not losing weight at all despite being in calorie deficit, and the result is that seemingly all is good. So now it´s been 1,5 weeks that I am using some pills that usually are for diabetes patients but also have been, as off label use, used as weightloss help. Approx. 50% of the patients had weightloss, and thus we though we might give it a try.

Let´s be fair: I haven´t lost a single gram, and I am sick and tired of it. I feel even bloated, feel like needing more sugar than usual and it somehow negatively influences my training sessions. Still 1,5 weeks and then I gotta have a talk with ma doctor, I am not putting up with it. Goal is to get some more testing in, like further thyroid tests and also maybe cortisol lavels or something that also influences and/or prohibits weightloss…

On top, and on my own expense, I ordered a DNA test for checking what my body can metabolize best, maybe this is gonna give me a hint what to with my eating to fuel up weightloss again. You see, I am really trying and grabbing every little chance that comes flying by.

I am really desperate and frustrated, because I know I am not doing anything wrong here but nothing positive comes as a result.

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Tattoo

So if things don´t blow in the last second, I will be having my second tatoo sleeve session on Tuesday, getting my upper right arm now tortured and the sleeve finished up. Feels surreal once again, simply because the first session is two months ago already and I got used to the tattoo being part of my arm now totally. The weather forecast is unsure about the weather, the best case was 21°c and clouds and the worst case said 28°C – I am totally up for the coldest weather that whoever decides can bring on for that day. Heat and physical exhaustion, no thank you!

The only annoying thing about the tattoo is, that there won´t be any swimming sessin for two weeks, just when I started getting a hang of it again. But no can do, Corona´s fault that the second session was postponed from May to June…

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Hella Halbmarathon

…well, I am still waiting for them to either say it´s happening or calling it off. Forst it was supposed to be start of June for news, then it was end of first week in June, now it´s coming Wednesday apparently. And let´s be fair, i wish I had transferred my starting place to next year when there was still the chance, as I am so sick and tired of this waiting game that it really killed my mood.

Plus, it´s only two weeks after my tattoo session and it´s summer and I am not well trained – this combination doesn´t exactly get me excited. And then paying for it, the drive and the hotel…i could totally imagine something nicer, like a fancy dinner at my fave restaurant or something like that.

(Brain) Lockdown

Usually I have my weekly pattern of posting on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. And here I sit in the darkness of my office space, on a Friday. And let´s be totally fair, I am running out of exciting topics now that I started working again which gives me simply less time for anything else besides work, sports and sleeping.

Or maybe it´s just that it´s hard for me to adapt to work again, after 5 weeks of vacation and now going from 0 to 100 again with no opportunity to really start slow. I am not sure, all I know is that this week I´ve really been struggling with everything that was not sleep. Even the easiest things seem to be a burden, and I am not sure if it maybe just is the depression breaking through after having fought against it ever since this Corona madness has started last year.

I´ve cut down watching/lostening to news to a minimum, I unfollowed and mutes everyone on Social Media who was posting too much on the topic, and I really try so hard to live a “normal” life. But I notice every day that it´s so far from normal. And with the even stricter rules, it feels like someone is more and more strangling me, like a pair of hands around my neck, pushing stroger and stronger so that there is no air left.

Homeoffice

Even though I´ve just decided for myself, that I am going to the office twice a week, homeoffice has started to feel like a golden cage. I am just so terribly sick and tired of video calls, of chatting via messengers, of not simply having that random chat in the kitchen. For someone like me who is living alone with no partner, this starts to be THE challenge. I just need human contact, face to face. In real life and not online. And I wish I could go to the office five days a week, just to see someone else besides the cashier at the supermarket or maybe accidentally my neighbors. It´s just not working for me anymore, it kills me mentally.

Concerts and races

Well, what am I supposed to say on the day, when my halfmarathon at Hannover Marathon was cancelled already now, despite it being only in April? What kind of a signal is this? I know, it´s never been too realistic that it was happening, but I was clinging to this hope like someone would cling to a rope when drowning. I really had thought and expected that they´d not give in that early.

I signed up for a far smaller halfmarathon in Cuxhaven instead and right away, but it really ruined my motivation and hope that there is gonna be any kind of events this spring and also summer. Sure I will continue my training, but it is a kick in the back when you´re desperate for motivation after 2 training years without races and with always just the hope that somewhen there is gonna be a real race again.

Virtual races are no races, it´s earning medals for faster training runs, but nothing that really gets me motivated or excited xD I am just tired, and wondering if it´s worth it to spend so much time every day with training if you´re doing it for nothing in the end again,

And I don´t even wanna think about concerts where you really have no opprtunity to really stretch it like you can with more starting groups and such. I have a show still set for the end of February, but I am certain it is not gonna happen because come on, we´re in a strict lockdown till at least start of February, there is no miracles happening, so no shows in february.

And I am also starting to doubt that the shows in May have any chance of taking place, though to be honest – my heart is begging me to keep the hope alive and pray for this miracle, pray for the vaccination go better until then, that at least a show with mask and keeping distance will be possible. But I am that far that I am afraid of hoping, because in the end it´ll again break my neck and I will be left in tears and desperation.

Food & hot bath

…is again my only comfort besides taking hot baths. Just sucks that these comforts are expensive and heavy in regards of weight. But it seems like it´s the only way for me to calm down, shut down the brain and just enjoy. Sports currently doesn´t work for that anymore, and the lack of concerts leaves a hole that needs to be stuffed somehow. And unfortunately this hole is a hole in my budget and in my weightloss plan, because nothing is happening for months now. I am either too stressed or am eating too much, or maybe both. I don´t know, but maybe it doesn´t matter because there won´t be any races anways this year again…

…you might wonder why I am sharing this rant or this whining with you – it might just give you an idea on why blogging is really tough for me right now…

What it does to you

Covid-19 has split the society into two parts – the deniars and the ones who know it´s real. That´s for sure. But it´s also done a lot more to poeple – they´ve become more doubtful, more fearful and the tiniest things can seeminly make friendships break apart lately. That´s what I have experienced now during the past two months and if it´s been friendships that were longlasting and thus were dear to you, you know it feels like a case of death in some way.

I´ve really tried hard to be the ever understanding, listening person to whatever problems my friends might be having, because I know that the real friends return that favour when I am in need of such an open ear and a (virtual) shoulder to cry on. But lately this has changed into me having turned into people´s garbage can of frustration, unhappiness and fear about uncertainty that the coming weeks, months and whatever might bring.

And let´s be clear and I am brutally honest with you: I am too good to be the punching bag without proper reason, to be accused of not even knowing how those people feel because I am living the happy life with a stable job (yes, it´s rather safe, but tables might turn, you never know), stable income and that I only had my hobbies vanish. Yup, all true. I have a job, and the “only” thing I lost was my freedom of choice in regards of my hobbies, and fuck it, I´ve been orking hard for my hobbies all year leading up to this summer with sheding blood, sweat and tears and I´ve been investing money into all of this too, which mostly isn´t gone forever, but still.

I know how it feels like to be standing there with nothing in your hands, to be fearing about the future because whatever you try it´s not working. Different situation, sure, but in the end the fears are similar (not the same, of course). And you know, if someone is in the same sentence vomitting all the problems onto me and telling me that I wouldn´t understand anyways, I wonder: why on earth do you even bother to tell me, if I am seemingly not capable of even imaging how that person is feeling?

But one thing really beat it all and that really strikes me most: I´ve ben accused by someone whom I know for more than decade, that I was sharing personal information about that person on the internet. This was never voiced eactly in these words, but the tone along the lines was clear and when you do not get an answer to the question if the person really thinks I was sharing this private information, it kinda tells it all.

And the thing is: you can accuse me of so many things but shit it on it, I am human, I am far from perfect and I am the last one to deny that. But there is one thing I never have done and never will do: share information about which I know that the person wants to be private. Why would I? What kind of a victory would I be celebrating? Exactly, none. But some people are so stuck in the film they see in front of their inner eyes that they´re too blind to be seeing reality and such, but seriously. If that person had known me for a couple of weeks, fine. But so many years and then such a bullshit.

That´s the point where I clearly am not willing to ever put up with this person again, it´s like you kick yourself out of my life immediately. If you got so big trust issues, there is no space for a second chance on my side. Because if all these years were not building up enough trust, a second chance won´t either. It´s bitter to realize and makes me wonder if during normal times it´d have ended the same way, but it´s not normal times and it has ended that way. And I am terribly upset about it but I cannot change it, so I am trying my best to get over it. And as it MIGHT be visible, I am struggling with it.

Simply because 2020 has been a shit year and cannot stop with becoming an even bigger asshole every damn week. Thanks for nothing, 2020!

Sorry (not sorry) for this endless rant, but I just had to get this off my chest right now, otherwise I´d be carrying it around with me like a heavy bag of stones and that´s not exactly helpful either. So: thanks for reading!

Switch the focus!

During spring and this year´s first lockdown (though what we call lockdown probably is still rather a light version of other countries´ lockdown) and what came afterwards I was just having one thing going on: pitying myself.

I was pitying myself …

…for the homeoffice (before I thought that once a week working from home was fancy, but homeoffice soon turned into a monster that hardly wanted to leave).

…for the concerts not happening (coming with the chaos of cancellong plans, rearranging plans, doing last-second plans, and the trouble I am still having with getting refunds for tickets)

…for all of my races being cancelled and the virtual races just not being any motivation to me (at least I got all my money back, just no blingbling and having worked for “nothing”).

…for needing to cancel travel plans for my friend´s wedding which surprise surprise didn´t happen, several smaller planned trips.

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And I missed out on ONE simple thing for a long time, because I was just so focus on Covid-19 and all the bad stuff it brought, that seeing the positive things was just impossible.

What I achieved or what I am grateful for?

…overcame several running injuries

…ran another half-marathon and did many long runs

…improved my swimming performance massively

…I still have my job

…managed to travel at least a bit (Boltenhagen, Lutherstadt, Southern Germany)

… have seen Diary of Dreams in concert in a circus

…have been to Lutherstadt Wittenberg and saw Feuerengel in a pretty normal show in summer

…have seen my very first concert in a drive-in cinema and it was a weird experience

…lost 6kg of weight this year so far and hopefully there is more to follow

…been doing a cycling tour of 220km (I´d have never guessed I was anywhere near of being capable of doing this)

…been baking a lot more and learned a lot more about cooking and baking

Look at that list – if you think about it, I´d say that everyone can find things that were achieved – no matter how small, everyone has done things that turned out well. And if that list is still too short, then it´s time to change that 😉

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Why I am writing this?

Because this lockdown-light we´re having right now surely is challenging for everyone – but with a switch of our focus, we can just make it feel a bit less bad. Sure, we´re still limited and more limited than before in regards of what we can do, and it´s annoying as fuck. I am with you on that, but I have decided that it doesn´t make sense to spend even more energy and time into being frustrated and upset about what´s going on, because that´s just gonna change things.

Instead I am focusing on the little things, on seeing the progress in my sports e.g., on maijg plans for my most stay-at-home one month vacation that starts at the end of the month, being happy about the fact I have a set tattoo design in my mind and on paper and “only” need the appointment for the pre-talks to happen (postponed from middle of November to middle of December) to then get the tattoo. And either it´s gonna happen, or then in January of February.

In the meantime, I am looking forward to playing Sims 4 shit tons of hours during my vacation, to making gummy bears on my own, to pick up playing cello and nyckelharpa again, to maybe even find the time for sewing. All these things I wouldn´t have any time for if the November and December were gonna happen as we had all thought still at the start of the year. It´s different, but it doesn´t have to be necessarily a bad thing.

Remember: You can shape your life. Also during Covid-19.

Digital Everything

The fact we´re more and more a society dependent on digital “everything” is nowadays becoming so visible due to Corona and will probably, thanks to these circumstances right now, be even more in focus in the future. Not that it´s been the future anways already before.

I´ve always been in love with digital offers – Social media, all the apps, surfing on the phone, livestreams, livechats and all of this madness. And also I am amazed how easy it is for communcation purposes to just call to the US for a business call or call your colleague no matter if he´s in his homeoffice or sitting on the bahamas (the latter has never been the case I guess, but you never know what happens in the homeoffice ^^).

It gives you this feeling of always being in touch, of “being close” to the other person, which is totally hilarious. During the Corona times it for me just felt even more ridicolous than it had felt before – you´re so close, but still so terribly far away. The face you see on the screen is real. But somehow…just digital. It´s become tiring to be fully honest – this half reality.

Same goes for the freetime – all the concerts, gone digital. A livestream here, a livestream there. So many artists need to use this media to keep going, somehow. But let´s be fair: it´ll never get anywhere close to the real deal. At the start of this, it was a pleasant thing, a time to flee from reality (hilarious, isn´t it? using something caused by reality to flee from it…) and dive into the music. Right now, I am tired of streams, tired of online concerts, tired of online stream chats. Why? Because reality hurts. All I can think of is “I want this live. Not here, sitting on the couch, alone, I want the blasting music, the full experience. So badly.”. It feels like a kick in the gut, it nearly physically hurts and it only gives me this sad bitter feeling of not knowing when this all is gonna go back to normal.

For me, interactions during the show and the overall athmosphere there is just so essential, and if you sit there on your couch, alone, it doesn´t matter if yo blast it as loud as yo can to terrorize your neighbors…it´s just lonely as fuck and leaves that bitter taste.  Same for all the online video calls – it leaves this bitter taste, especially in the minute when it´s over, you´re back in silence. Alone.

But…pleasure and pain, for some bands I will keep watching the streams. Because – it´s better than nothing, and for the pain after the stream you jst gotta keep yourself busy. Or something. And hope, there will not be another stream because we´re having real concerts again…

Gold in my hands

Hilarious title, isn´t it somehow? Some of you might already take a good guess what I am actually referring to in thise toublesome times.

But let me tell you a bit of a story. A story that cased quite some mental stress for me, being already stressed about my fear of short-term work or unemployment and all the things that currently have been going on in my life. And then it started that totally normal things that we are used to getting every day without issues in a store, feel like a hunt. Or geocaching.

So at the start of the week I had to face the fact that my supply of toilet paper started to be running low, but as we´re here in germany and are being told that there is no problem about supplies that we´d need to worry about, I did not worry. Well, to be fair, I should have. And maybe I also should´ve not been laughing about those buying tons of toilet paper before corona virus really hit us. Why?

Well, it´s Friday now and I´ve spent most of my week´s freetime after work and during lunchtime with trying to actually get my hands on toilet paper. You know, just simple plain toilet paper, I wasn´t looking for any specific or fancy kind of it. Whatever was there, I was gonna take, I thought.

And I took a look at a lot of empty spaces, and wandered from store to store just to wonder if everyone was shitting their pants in fear of the virus so that they needed so much toilet paper. Because it was tougher to find toilet paper than it feels like to win the lottery or find a bit of gold when digging for it.

Only due to ranting on Instagram I got a tip where and when to actually get toilet paper and yes, I´ve been driving 20km for fucking toilet paper in the fucking morning hours to be the first one at the store (and I wasn´t the only one with the very same plan). And yes, I´ve maybe at the start forgotten that I am usually home for 14hours a day, and now it´s 24h a day. And more days a week and in general – the use it just so much higher, so my calculation how long my stocks could actually last were hilariosly miscalculated.

Also, I wanted to be baking some treats for myself and some cake on the coming Easter days next week besides the normal bread baking – but because of my former bread baking and things like this I did not have enough flour and no yeast left anymore. So I was like “okay, people stocked up on it right at the start of corona, so they won´t be doing it anymore”. And when I was on my hunt for toilet paper and ran through one store after the other, it took me 11 stores to actually get flour. And then had to fight for the two little 500g packs of it, because they didn´t have the 1kg packages anymore. because the rule is “one pack per person”. Don´t get me wrong these rules are terribly necessary at the moment, which really makes it sad, but I am totall align with that. Anyways, I won and had the flour at least.

When in the store, I met a woman. In front of the flour shelves, of course with the necessary 2m distance between us. And she was so desperate, because she was allergic so badly that she needed a certain type of flour and had been in the 16th store – and was again and again facing emptiness rather than her flour. You know, wanting to become a master baker is one thing folks, but you´re literally making a more or less normal life impossible for others who can not just go and grab a ready baked bread. Keep that in mind when you want to stock up on such stuff.

But seriosly, I had flour but….yeast? Come on, what would people…okay wait, they already stocked up on flour so what is next besides milk? Exactly, yeast! Let´s jst buy whatever yeast you can get, tons of the ones for the fridge, tons of the “dry” one, because you might eventually need it – so you´re fucking prepared when this shit world is gonna be ending. At least you are able to die in a castle built on a mix of toilet paper, yeast and flour.

And please don´t tell me Germany is now becoming the nation of home bakeries, I mean let´s just be fair: most of those people think that buying a ready made tough and putting it into the ove is to be called baking. I could be ranting on for hours, after having wasted so many hours on actually getting what I needed. On a good note though: the rest of the items you might want for groceries and related is available just normally. Let´s just see for how long, I am not trusting this anymore, it´s all just a matter of time until people go even more nuts tha they already have now. And this virus is not bringing ot the best out of people, rather their real face: dumb, ignorant, crazs as shit.

Can I please go and live on the moon or somewhere without those people? (yes I know, not everyone is like this, it currently just doesn´t feel like it)

Der 12. Mann schwächelt?!

Oder aber auch: die Erfolgsfans verpissen sich endlich langsam wieder. Was auch Zeit wurde.

Wieso ich das so betitele, so harsch? Da gibt es einen guten Grund – beziehungsweise zwei Gründe, denn es gab in der letzten nahen Vergangenheit zwei E-Mails, die fröhlich in mein E-Mail-fach flatterten. So ganz unverblühmt sprachen sie von Rückläufern. Rückläufern von Tickets – und zwar nicht irgendwelchen gegen Hintertupfingen. Nein. Es war die Sprache von Tickets für das Heimspiel gegen Arsenal London und für das Auswärtsspiel gegen Belgrad.

Die Tickets. Ja doch, es gab einen freien Verkauf. Erinnert ihr euch noch an all den Neid, die Missgunst, den Konkurrenzkampf, als die Verlosungen angefangen haben? Und jetzt? Jetzt bekommt man sie hinterhergeworfen. Keine Sorge, die gehen weg wie warme Semmeln, die bleiben nicht liegen – aber das ist auch gerade gar nicht der Punkt.

Wo sind sie den jetzt alle, die, die so gegeiert haben und die dann ihre Tickets nicht abgeholt haben? Keine Lust mehr? Nur wieso? Klar, die Tabelle in der Liga sagt nichts gutes, aber – schon mal gesehen, wie der Scheiß in der Liga zustande kam? Und nein, ich sage hier jetzt nicht, dass es immer die Schiris schuld waren – aber sowas verunsichert das Team, auch wenn ich der Meinung bin, dass der Verein die Mittel haben sollte, ein Team so zu “behandeln”, dass es durch Fehlentscheidungen nicht aus der Bahn geworfen wird – egal wie häufig die sind.

Ja, langsam wird aussortiert – das Spreu vom Weizen, also die ekligen Erfolgsfans, die aus ihren Löchern gekrochen sind, als es gut lief, als das internationale Spielen da war – ja, all die, die verschwinden langsam wieder in ihren dummen Löchern. Am Ende bleiben eh nur die, die es schon in der zweiten Liga waren, als wir nach Aue, Fürth oder weiß Gott wohin fuhren, wo wir stundenlang ohne Dach über dem Kopf bei Eisregen-Hagel-Schnee dastanden und unterstützt haben.

Aber hey ihr Erfolgsfans, kündigt eure Mitgliedschaften und bitte: kommt nie wieder. Ihr nehmt treuen Fans den Platz im Stadion weg, ihr nehmt den Fans die Tickets weg die denen zustehen, die sich den Arsch aufgerissen haben und jetzt dank Euch entweder auf den letzten Drücker versucht haben ein Ticket für Arsenal zu bekommen. Oder komplett leer ausgegangen sind.

Aber bitte – falls wir es eine Runde weiter schaffen sollten, international – kommt nicht wieder, bleibt weg. Der Verein verdient richtige Fans – nicht euch. Ihr schwächelt, nicht wir. Der 12. Mann ist gleich stark geblieben, egal wie sehr ihr Erfolgsfans meint, die richtigen Fans “infiltrieren” zu müssen.

Votet für die Songs die ihr auf Setliste haben wollt!

…oder aber auch “stimmt halt für die ab, die ihr seit Jahren eh schon bei mindest jedem zweiten Konzert sowie gesehen habt und sehen könnt”.

Ja, ich gebe es gleich zu Beginn zu: ich bin in Lästerlaune, ich will mich aufregen. Weil es mich nervt, anpisst, anätzt.

Man nehme an, eine Band feiere nächstes Jahr ihr 15-Jahre-Bandjubiläum und habe die geniale Idee, bei einem von zwei Konzerten dafür die Fans bestimmen zu lassen, was sie spielen würden. Das würde dann auch nur gehen, wenn man für den Tag ein Ticket hat und man dürfe für genau drei Lieder abstimmen.

Okay, ich nehme das würde, könnte, habe mal raus – das ist so. Und zwar bei Versengold. Ich hatte mich tierisch gefreut, Jubiläumsshows, was ganz besonderes, ich dabei und ich konnte mitbestimmen, was gespielt werden soll. Denn jeder der dafür ein Ticket hat, darf abstimmen. Aus allen Songs der Bands. Von ganz alt bis ganz neu, alles dabei, alles zur Auswahl.

Ich mich dann also direkt auf Songs gestürzt, die ich noch nie live gehört hatte – dass meine zwei Instrumentalstücke nicht gerade das Rennen machen würden, war mir schon im Vorhinein klar. Und das wird weder eine Überraschung noch sonst was sein, dass die beiden Songs nicht dabei sein werden – auch wenn´s halt schon geil gewesen wäre.

Aber mal ehrlich…ein Blick auf das Abstimmungsergebnis, oder den Zwischenstand, der bis jetzt so abgestimmt wurde – ja ich muss sagen, ich wollte den Kopf auf die Tischplatte hauen. Mehrfach. Ganz feste. Und noch fester. Die Hälfte der Songs, die zum aktuellen Stand auf der Setliste wären, sind Songs, die man auf mindestens jedem zweiten Konzert hat sehen können und wird wohl sehen können auch in der Zukunft. Und trotzdem sind genau diese Songs dabei – en masse. Weit vorne. Wieso wollen die Leute nicht mal was hören, was sie noch nie gesehen haben live? Was die Band seit Jahren nicht mehr gespielt hat?

Wieso will man dann das ausgelutschte Liedgut, wieso will man dann das, was sie eh am zweiten Tag spielen würden weil es die “Hits” sind? Oder eben beim nächsten Konzert mindestens im Medley…es ist einfach so fad. Ja es sind gute Songs, aber nein – die Show sollte für das Besondere stehen und nicht für das, was man immer haben könnte.

Und ich bin jetzt mal ganz ehrlich – wenn sich das Abstimmungsergebnis nicht wirklich verbessert, werde ich es ernsthaft in Betracht ziehen, mein Ticket zu verkaufen. Weil zwei Tage hintereinander auf Shows in der Großen Freiheit 36 zu gehen ist schon so Extremsport.

Und wenn es dann eine Setliste sein wird, die nichts Besonderes hat, mache ich das wirklich nicht mit. Ja ja ich bin ein schlechter Fan, ich weiß – aber ich habe gelernt Prioritäten zu setzen, und das wäre dann definitiv keine. Aber wer weiß, was bis dahin noch so passiert – ich habe ja irgendwie immer noch die Hoffnung auf ein Wunder, weil es noch so lange hin ist. Aber wirklich dran glauben tue ich halt wirklich nicht…einfach nur bitter, wie diese Abstimmung die Vorfreude auf das Konzert gerade vollends ausradiert hat…

Me vs university

Lately I´ve been asked pretty often if it was great for me to be learning again, now that I was studying for my master´s degree that I just started end of August. So now it´s been 1,5 months and people seemingly expect me to be all excited and all over the place with happiness.

Well, reality looks different – as I have to face certain things and issues that somehow I didn´t quite saw coming or happily ignored whilst deciding that I want to study again,  applying for the studies and starting my studies. It all seemed so easy  – I mean, I work fulltime, sure, but I have plenty of freetime. I thought.

I forgot about the fact that after 8 hours of work, occasionally needing to do grocery shopping and once being home and having eaten, motivation is something that I could rather buy in the stores than find it with me, and inside my head.

I love learning, no doubt – but not at 8pm and later on during the week, with time pressure of knowing that I cannot take too long for assignments as I need to be in the office the next morning again. It kills the fun, it kills the interest in long texts that actually are exciting to read and about topics that I enjoy reading about – if I have the time and capacity to actually be properly reading instead of skimming through the pages as quick as possible with just an eyes for what information you gotta grasp in order to fulfill the tasks. It´s not about learning as the big picture. You, or well, at Least I, learn how to efficiently run through texts and get the minimum out of there in order to somehow pass the tasks. Not less, not a tiniest bit more.

Also because I don´t have the power for it – I am simply mentally exhausted when I leave the office and only physical stuff like working out (where I don´t need my head that much) actually is an option. So once I sit on the couch, it´s kinda over. Or if I find something that qualifies as nice thing to do in order to not do any studing (my kitchen is so clean, it´s fascinating already).

What I also somehow ignored beforehand…how much effort it needs, how many tasks there are and what the extend of those assignements cover. It´s at least twice as much as I had expected, so I am not getting along with my “max. 2-3 hours once a week on a Monday” in order to get things done. Either I am terribly slow or things are complex – okay, I have to say that I try to get things done as early as possible already now that I have little courses, simply because I need to also do that when I will have more than this now as courses during the next semester. And I don´t even wanna think about next semester with even more courses.

Because – as I mentioned, I still have my sports and the training for my half marathon and all my mud obstacles runs next year and I really need it because it´s the best thing to clear the mind after a stressful day at work – and cutting this down is no option. And I have my relatio nship that of course wants to be nurtured and taken care of, and I need time to myself for doing…nothing. Oh and I also have a sewing machine that is catching dust aready, just as my 15 unread books are also catching more and more dust. I really don´t know how to handle everything and put everything into one week as I do not have someone taking care of my house chores and grocery shopping in oder to save time.

Do I sound desperate? If not – man I am an amazing actress. If I do – it´s how I am at the moment. Like, desperate. Already now, after 2 weeks of 3 years of studies ahead. With working 40h a week. I have no idea how this all is supposed to be from success in the end without me burning out. And I am jealous of those people, who easily manage 40h a week of work, studies and hobbies without feeling like a hamster permanently running in a wheel that´s only supposed for sprinting.

Goodbye WeightWatchers

So as you know, WeightWatchers has been part of my life for now more than 2 years and it´s been the right start into my weightloss journey. I´ve been going through many ups and more downs lately, and there has been successes, no doubts.

At the start it went well, once I got to track everything I ate – and I enjoyed the fact I was able to eat veggies and fruits as much as I wanted to. My weight dropped, dropped, dropped and dropped even more – and I was only 6kg away from my goal weight.

And then something happened and until this day, I dunnot know what actually happened. I started working out more, being even more active, and was still tracking all my food. but instead of the weight going down still, it started going up since summer again. And I am clueless why, it feels like WeightWatchers is not really going anywhere anymore, so lately I´ve been really doubtful and wondering what to do.

It´s not like I am gonna give in, no. I just needed a change – and I decided to kill my abo for WeightWatchers and switched to Yazio, another app – but for counting calories. It´s making even more work for me, because now I also need to track every veggie I am eating in detail which I didn´t have to do with WeightWatchers, hut maybe that is why it all didn´t work out in the end anymore. I again have 10+kg to lose to reach my goal weight, and according to Yazio it takes me around 26 weeks if I keep my calories…I don´t believe in it, but I wish it was true ^^

Once I am more using Yazio for a bit longer, I´ll give you a little report on how it´s going and how the functions are like and everyhing. One thing is for sure, I´ll be spending less on Yazio than I did on WeightWatchers (online version only, no meetings).